Fall Challenge Update: 3 Weeks To Go!

I know that I haven't posted many updates about my 12 Week Flavilicious challenge and with good reason.  I haven't been actively participating.  I got sick right around Thanksgiving and once I was down it was so easy to make excuses.  Before you know it weeks have went by and it hit me that we are already halfway through the challenge!

I realized that my imperfect progress was actually no progress at all.  This is the third Flavilicous challenge that I have started.  The last two challenges I never finished the workouts or even sent in my after photos.  I simply disappeared but the thought of not finishing either of those challenges kept nagging at me.

When I signed up this time I made myself a promise.  No matter what I was going to finish this challenge.  Even if I had to send in an after picture that is worse than my before picture I am going to finish this challenge.  At the end of the challenge they post all the before/after pics on their website and the readers vote for the winner.  I do not want to be the one girl on that list that actually gained during the challenge so I got serious.

I took my measurements again just to see where I was at and surprisingly I've already lost 4 inches all over my body!  I really cannot tell a difference to be honest with you.  My weight is still staying the same but that's ok.  I'm tired of being a slave to the scale and decided for the rest of the challenge I am focusing more on my gains.

In the challenge we are starting to go heavier weight with fewer reps so I found an amazing app that has been awesome for tracking my workouts.  Just in the few weeks I've used it I have already been increasing my weights more than I ever have on a program.  I love it!!  That's a larger number I don't mind celebrating. ;)   I've also started posting my workouts to MyFitnessPal so I can keep track there too and also for motivation.  I have several friends on there that motivate me when they post their workouts so I hope I am doing the same for them.

There have been days that I definitely do not feel motivated and think of every excuse in the book NOT to work out.  So I go in my kitchen, grab my shaker bottle, and put in a scoop of this right here...

The sad thing is that I only have a few scoops left but my MIL is an Advocare distributor and got me a 24 Day Challenge for Christmas!  The whole company is doing one together in January called ALL IN and she got me one so we can do it together.  I'm so excited!!  I want to see how Advocare works out before I order any more Shredz but I have a feeling that this will be back in my life soon enough.  It's amazing.

I'm taking the rest of this challenge day by day especially during the holiday season.  Getting in all the workouts has been rough this time of year and my eating has been insane but I am forgiving myself and moving on.

 I am waiting to show my before pics until the challenge in complete that way I can give you guys the same side-by-side I'll be submitting AND I can give you the link so you can vote for me!

Even if I don't win I am creating a healthy habit that I know is not going to end when this challenge does.  I cannot wait to see what 2016 has in store for me! :)

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Christmas Season Catch Up

Busy! Busy! Busy!  Anyone else feel me??

Merry Christmas EVE!!!  I thought I would get everyone caught up with all the festivities that have happened so far this holiday season.

Christmas Women's Banquet

I honestly didn't think I was going to be able to go this year because of our current finances but one of my besties ended up having an extra ticket and invited me at the last minute.  I have never been before but you better believe this is going to be a new Christmas tradition with me. :)

Different women "host" a table and decorate it however they want.  They also have little goodies for each gal at the table.  This was ours #67 :)

Of course the picture doesn't do it justice. It was gorgeous!! I got a beautiful ornament, a cute little stocking, and got to meet three lovely women who have now became apart of my growing church family.

There's me and my bestie. I love this girl so much and am so thankful that I was her first choice.  The dinner was excellent and the speaker was amazing.  I teared up several times and left knowing that I am not alone in my struggles.  I have wonderful friends, family, and most importantly a God that loves me just as I am and I will make it through this season.

KATS Christmas Musical

KATS is our church's children's choir and every year they put on a Christmas program.  Being a 2nd grade teacher (and there being one little girl my youngest has the biggest crush on) I had to be there and I am so glad I was.

This year was extra special because the entire program was written by two of the KATS directors.  It was a Christmas spin-off of the Wizard of Oz and it was adorable!

DJ's Christmas Party

In our school district 4th grade is the last grade in elementary school.  DJ is in 4th grade, and my youngest, thus making this our last elementary school Christmas party.  *sniffle*

To say I was a little emotional is an understatement but I put on a happy face and enjoyed watching my little man and his classmates enjoy their day.  

It was so much fun for the kids and I surprised DJ by having is grandmother come with me.  You should've seen the look on his face.  The party was crazy but mainly because you have 21 kids that are full of candy and donuts on the last day of school before winter break.  ;)

Family Time

When school is in its so hard for the boys to spend time with family.  Anyone who has to share custody can feel me on this.  This past Sunday after church I dropped the boys off at their Nana's house and they got to spend a few days with her, their great-aunt, and their cousins.

I love that they got that much-needed family time and it gave me a chance to go get their last minute Christmas gifts. :)  

Now its time to get ready to start my Christmas festivities.  The next two days are always crazy.  I have several places to be and my in-laws are coming in tomorrow and the house is a disaster.  Mentally I'm trying not to stress especially since I am running out of time to get everything done.  

My goal the next two days is to be in the moment.  Christmas goes by way too fast as it is and I do not want to lose sight of what really matters: the birth of my Lord, Jesus Christ. 

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas!!

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The Magic of Christmas

Yesterday our church started a new series called The Magic of Christmas.  The whole church is decked out in twinkling lights and the excitement in the air is electric and almost tangible.  

Christmas is here.

Yesterdays message was What Is It About Christmas? which has been on my mind ever since.  I have Christmas music on in the car and this morning on my way to take the boys to school I heard Silent Night by Stevie Nicks.  It is by far my favorite version of Silent Night and right in the middle of the school parking lot tears start streaming down my face.  I apologies to my 10 year old son if I embarrassed you but when the vapors hit you what can you do? ;)

That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

It truly is magical how a baby who was born in a manger could save the world...could save me.  I think about my life and the direction I was heading before I gave my life to Jesus.  Those thoughts alone bring fresh tears to my eyes...

I am so thankful that He never gave up on me not even for a second.  I am thankful that God became man and came to this earth to live the life that He did, to die the death that He did, and to rise again all just to save me.  Wow.

This Christmas my little family has decided to do things differently.  This year we are putting Jesus at the top of our Christmas list.  After all it is His birthday, right?  This year we are going to give more than we are going to receive.  We are going to love more and be more in the moment than we ever have been and cherish every second we have with our family and friends.  And through it all we are going to remember the One that is truly the reason for the season.

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Simply Wonderful

I LOVE December!!  The holidays are in full swing and most people don't know this but when Louie and me first got engaged our original wedding date was December 8, 2013.  We couldn't wait that long which is why we got married in April instead. ;)  

I'm also super excited that I got to stamp on Thanksgiving!  I have always loved doing challenges and decided to do a simple 6x6 scrapbook page using a Viva la Verve sketch and doing the Thanksgiving Ways To Use It challenge on SCS.

I still had my Holiday Treasures paper out from my last creation so I decided to roll with it and make a Christmas-themed mini scrapbook page.  I know this doesn't look like a scrapbook page but I made the sentiment to where it can move so you can put a picture behind it.

I found this digital stamp that I got from Verve Stamps a LONG time ago.  I looked through all the sets they have on the site now and could not find it but the closest set I could find was Christmas in the Air.  I also used a flourish from the Filigree Fantasy set which sadly has been retired.  It's crazy how much of my stamping stuff is retired so don't be surprised if you see a lot on here that is not around anymore.  I apologize in advance. ;)

I really wanted to keep this layout simple and this sketch was perfect for it!  Almost everything on this layout is leftovers from other creations.  I'm telling you this challenge was made for poor crafters like myself. LOL

Thanksgiving was very low key at my house this year.  We went to my cousins at noon, saw a lot of my dads side of the family, got stuffed, and then I came home and spent all afternoon working on this  layout and starting to get my very sad stamping area more together.

My ex always gets the boys on Thanksgiving which is very bittersweet for me.  It was the first holiday I didn't spend with my boys after the separation and Thanksgiving 2010 was by far the loneliest day of my life.  I still get a pain in my heart when I think about it but I love that they get to spend time with their dads family too. That's one thing my boys get is a LOT of love.

Stamps: Verve Digital Stamp (2009); Filigree Fantasy (Retired: Verve Stamps)
Paper: Select White (Papertrey Ink), Holiday Treasures (Stampin' Up!)
Ink: Chocolate Chip, Riding Hood Red (Retired), Old Olive (Stampin' Up!)
Accessories: Swarovski Crystals, Oval Nestabilites, Heart Border Punch, Dark Chocolate Swiss Dot Satin Ribbon (Papertrey Ink), Sponge Dauber

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Stamping: Am I Back?

Once upon a time I was a lonely woman home all day with two little baby boys whom I loved dearly and took care of daily.  I was a tired house wife and in dire need of social interaction with humans over the age of two so I began exploring things that a weary mommy could do while at home with her babies.  Magically scrapbooking somehow popped up and even though I do not have a shred of artistic talent in my body despite having extremely artistic parents and a sister that can draw anything something about scrapbooking intrigued me.

I remember going to Michael's for the first time and really looking at each item on the scrapbooking isles.  I could do this!  How amazing would it be to have scrapbooks to give to my boys wives one day?!  Could I have finally found my artistic side?

That was the beginning for me.  After that scrapbooking became a daily obsession.  As soon as I would put the boys down for their nap I would turn on my laptop, sit at my dining room table, find some ideas that I liked and try to mimic them.  I soon learned several things about scrapbooking.

#1 Scrapbooking is expensive and...
#2 I sucked at it!  

I loved doing it but the finished product was awful in my eyes so I decided to try a smaller scale paper craft and that's where card making came in.  I still wasn't great at it either but as weeks turned into months I really got into the whole stamping world and found exactly what I was looking for.  I made many online friends and even designed for several different companies.  It was amazing.  AND everyone that I gave a card to gushed about how awesome it was.  Maybe I wasn't as bad as I thought I was!

July 2010 my whole world changed.  I left the life I knew in hopes for a better life.  I left everything including my stamping.  I realized that a huge part of my stamping obsession came from me being able to escape the terrors of my life during that time.  Raising the boys was such a blessing and something I will forever cherish but there was another darkness that loomed daily that I needed to get me and my boys away from.  So I ran.

As you know, in the past five years I have found my better life.  I love it so much but lately I have felt that something is missing.  I have let go of so many dreams in my life so I went to each one wondering if there was still something there.  Several of my dreams I cannot get back.  I will never be the professional dancer I aspired to be and I can never give birth to another child.  Those will forever hurt but are there other dreams that I could reach?

When I was in my stamping prime there was one company that I fell in love with from the beginning: Verve Stamps.  I still have every single set I've ever bought from them and even though its been almost five years since I've inked any of them up this past Saturday I finally did.  It felt incredible!

I always wanted to design for Verve and I realized that is still a dream I could do if I got back into stamping.  Not that Julee would ever want me but even if I never get to actually design for them I think I need stamping back in my life.  This time its because there is a passion and excitement inside of me and not because I'm trying to escape from anything.  I truly feel like God has given me a gift and I need to use it.

My mom has kept a lot of my stamping stuff (thank you Mom!!) but I think if I get back into it again I'm going to pretty much start from scratch.  What's so crazy is how much everything has changed!  I went back to some of my old standby websites like Stampin' Up! and Papertreyink and almost all the colors I used to design with are gone!  Verve still looks amazing and is still doing their awesome Mojo Monday and Viva la Verve challenges so I am definitely going to start participating in those as much as I can.  I also want to purchase every single stamp set, dye, and embellishment they have on their site much to my husband's dismay! ;)  With money being extremely tight I told him I would settle for a gift card to get glue and cardstock and plan on using as much of my old pattern paper and stamp sets as possible. I guess now it'll all be considered vintage?

For those of you that did not know me in my stamping years I used to have a stamping blog but because of some very unkind people I chose to take it down.  You can still see all of my creations at Splitcoaststampers but those are all in my past.  I'm all about my future.

Want to see the card I made this past Saturday?

Not too shabby for being out for almost five years huh?

I'm not sure if I'm going to go back to card making or if I should try to do scrapbooking again.  I think if I do I will still stay in the smaller scale.  Those 12x12 pages still scare me! LOL  All I know is I am going to get my fingers inky!  Today I'm going to start figuring out a good stamping space in my office and hopefully later I can make something else.  :)

So don't be surprised if you start seeing more Christi creations here on the blog along with my other crazy Christi ramblings in 2016.  I'm excited and thankful that I have another dream to aspire to accomplish.

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How I'm Making Imperfect Progress

It's seriously already been almost a month since I've been on here!  Good gosh where is this month going!  I am in shock that today is the last day of school before the Thanksgiving break!

Haha!!  Actually I haven't been eating much at all.  I got hit with the crud last weekend after our weekly Bible study and have been in bed ever since.  Whatever it is I have just keeps hanging on.  I usually get sick right around the holidays so I guess its right on schedule. ;)

Challenge Update

Being sick is bad enough but missing a whole week of workouts while I recoup is tragic.  I was on such a good roll and now I feel like I'm taking a step back.  I feel more human today than I have this whole week so I am going to try to sneak in a workout later depending on how I feel after work.  

So far during the challenge I have worked out an average of 4 days each week.  Considering I hadn't been working out consistently in a LONG time I call that a win.  This week is the first week I have worked out less than 4 days but I am focused on "imperfect progress" and refuse to beat myself up.  I don't know if I'll win this challenge or not but even if I don't if I can create a habit of working out every day I call that a win.  

I have realized so much lately how much of a perfectionist I am and this month I am focused on "imperfect progress."  What is that you ask?  Basically I am making progress even if its not "perfect" or what I believe to be perfection.  I am taking baby steps to reach my goal no matter how sloppy those steps are.  I read this in the Bible study I'm doing right now and it has really stuck with me.  As long as I'm making progress who says it has to be perfect?  It is so freeing to me and I hope that it helps my fellow procrastinators out there. It doesn't matter what you do or how long you do it.  Just get up and DO something!  Anything!  Go for a walk, dance with the kids (I've been doing this one a lot lately), track your calories...just do something that is going to take you one step closer to your goal.  My goal is consistency so even doing 15 minutes of any type of physical activity will get me one step closer.

I wish I could say that the scale has moved so far but it hasn't.  I read somewhere that when you start building muscle that it is normal to gain weight since muscle weighs more than fat.  I sure hope so because I've never seen 200lbs on my scale before but this morning I weighed just out of curiosity and it is SO close to 200 it scares me.  Now THAt is motivation!   

Enough rambling for this gal.  I need to get ready for work!  Last day before I get a whole week off!! No excuses next week. ;) 

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Hallelujah Eve

I cannot believe Halloween is already here!  The holidays are officially beginning and here we are again.  It seems like every year we say we are going to be better prepared but every year life gets thrown for a loop and we end up in the exact same place we were before.  It’s insanity I tell ya!

One thing I’ve been thinking about is our vow this year to be more financially independent than we were at the beginning of the year.  We were to remember that its God’s money and not our money.  How have we fared?  Pretty bad.  Granted our debts are slowly decreasing and we haven’t accrued any new debt which I say is a plus but nothing has been paid off and we are literally hand to mouth right now.  But by the grace of God we’ve made it and we are continuing to make it day by day.

This time last year I was recovering from my 4th surgery and this year is the first October in two years that I didn’t have a surgery!  Woohoo!!  I definitely call that a win!  

This week is also the first week in months that I’ve worked out more than twice!  Last night I had planned a HIIT workout on the treadmill with some ab exercises but I didn’t do so great.  I’m not sure what happened but I tried a few of the ab moves and started feeling like I was going to throw up.  So I decided to skip those and just do 20 minutes of HIIT sprints on the treadmill.  I lasted 10 minutes and then I got super dizzy so I walked the rest of the time doing different intervals.  It was not a great workout at all and at first I was very discouraged but then it hit me.  I got up and DID something!  I could’ve gave up and said forget it and never given it a try but I did and I burned about 500 calories in the process.  

I have also decided to enter one final contest before the end of the year and I took my before pics.  Talk about a wakeup call!  I'm going to wait to post them on here until after the contest and hopefully by that time I'll have an awesome AFTER picture! ;)

October is always a strange month for me and this year was no exception but one thing I look forward to every year is our church’s Hallelujah Carnival.  

Normally I volunteer but I’ll have the boys this year so I’ll get to actually enjoy the carnival!  I’m very excited because this is the biggest event our church puts on every year with the exception of our Easter carnival.  Thousands of people come and there are always yummy vendors, an outdoor concert, bounce houses, and tons of games.  The kids love it and its a much safer alternative to going trick-or-treating.

Then Sunday our church celebrates its 45th birthday!  

The church bought thousands of cupcakes for everyone which I am SO looking forward to.  Who doesn't love a cupcake?!!  

I am so thankful to the men and women who started our church 45 years ago and cannot wait to take a stroll down memory lane on Sunday.

So that’s it for me!  Enjoy the rest of October and be on the lookout for more fit-related posts in November! :)

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What's My Problem?

The first full week of October has been rough.  My pain is back full force, still fighting depression, and I don't know about you guys but this allergy season has been the worst for me.  Usually I battle allergies more in the spring but this year it's fall for the win!

Yesterday I tried to start back on the 21 Day Fix eating plan and lasted half a day until I got so hungry I started shaking and then it was a free for all.  I did make healthier choices though there was a lot of cheese but I did not get the workout in.

I have started walking to pick my son up from school instead of driving to pick him up and found out that's a 15 minute walk and my iWatch counts it as workout minutes. Sweet!  I am also try to get 5,000 steps each day for October and this has helped me get close to my goal but I'm still not there.  Right now I am averaging anywhere between 2,000-4,000 steps a day depending on how I feel and what's going on that day and that just doesn't cut it for me.  My goal is to get up to 10,000 steps per day but I am really trying to break that up into smaller, attainable goals thus the 5,000 for October.

I am realizing something about my many failed healthy eating and workout attempts that I think rings true for many people:

I do not like to feel restricted 

I think this is where my problem starts.  Every time I try to count calories or just stick to a certain meal plan I always fail because I don't like being told I can't eat or drink something.  So now I am trying to figure out what I can make of that.  Maybe instead of restricting myself I can add goals like a certain number of servings of vegetables per day or watching my portions instead of counting calories.

I really want to get to the bottom of why I continue to fail.  It's like in some sick way I don't want myself to succeed though that's what I want more than anything right now!  There must be other people out there like me.  I'm not alone in this right?  What have other people done to find out what makes them succeed?  Well, that's what I'm going to try to figure out.  I have to fight for my health and right now everything I've tried has failed.

A friend of mine started Jenny Craig and so far as lost 15lbs but at this point there is no way I can afford to do that.  I just feel so discouraged.  I was really hoping October would be my month and so far it hasn't been BUT I still have a few weeks to turn things around right? ;)

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Tastes Like October

Happy October!!

The past two years October has been the worst month for me.  Last October I was hospitalized for two weeks and had my appendix taken out and the October before that is when I had my full hysterectomy.  Needless to say I am nervous about what is in store for me this month.  I am hoping and praying for a medical issue free month. :)

The first day of October, which also signifies the first day of fall on my calendar, means pumpkins.  Everyone has an object that when they think about a particular month there is a memory or an object that sticks out in your mind and for me October means pumpkins.

I remember carving a pumpkin only once in my life which is sad.  I can't even remember the age I was when I did it but I do remember pulling the seeds out with my hands and grossing out with the texture.  I also remember the rotten smell when it's been out on the front porch too long which could be another reason for me only having one pumpkin carving experience in my life.

Our family never went to the pumpkin patches either and I've never taken my kids but I am going to try to change that this year.  So many of my friends do it and it looks like fun!

Oh how I love the flavor that is pumpkin!  Pumpkin pie is one of my top five all-time favorite desserts and the Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks is something I look forward to every year.

This year since money is so tight I bought some pumpkin spice creamer for my coffee instead and am actually sipping on some as I write this.  It just tastes like fall to me!  Yum!!  Oh and have you tried these?

If you are a pumpkin-lover like myself you are going to love them!  Husband wasn't much of a fan but I thought they were great!  They are pretty sweet but I was pleasantly surprised with how much I liked them.

A new month means new goals so that's my goal today!  I love when a new month begins.  It's a fresh start and another chance to get it right and who doesn't need another chance?

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Goodbye September! It's Been Real...

Let me start this post with a disclaimer: if this blog does not make any sense I apologize in advance.  I am extremely sleep deprived. I have been tossing and turning the past three nights and my eyes are black and swollen and my head cannot seem to focus on anything but I figured its the last day of September so I wanted to blog something.  Then I think I'm going to take a much-needed nap. ;)

SparkPeople update:

I didn't jump back in full force like I did the last time I tried to lose weight but I don't think I'm off to that bad of a start.  My focus has been logging in every day, tracking one meal and my water intake, and doing the daily newbie challenge.  So far so good.  I still struggle with my water.  Eight glasses is a breeze for me but I'm going for double that (a gallon a day) and that is more difficult though not completely farfetched.

A few nights ago I was doing good with my water and by the time dinner came I actually wasn't that hungry!  Gotta love the appetite suppressant!!  I'm only weighing once a week but I'm really trying to focus more on how I feel and not on the scale.

With the beginning of the months comes measurements and I will be posting my stats here on the blog.  I'm tired of being ashamed of who I am.  I am Christi and yes I am overweight but I am also on a journey to be my healthiest self.  I'm not perfect and this time I want to document everything I can so one day I can look back and see how far I've came.

Another thing I've realized about myself since starting back on SP is how negative I am about myself.  I am to the point to where I can't even look in the mirror I feel so ashamed.  Not cool.  So while I am trying to work out more and watch what I eat I am also on an emotional journey to love and accept who I am right where I'm at in my life now.  Honestly I think that's going to be the hardest part in all of this.

Job Update:

No I am still unemployed as far as being out in the workforce but you better believe I have kept myself busy.  My house is a lot more in order and I have been decluttering things that should've been done ages ago.

I was hired to do a small temp job here this next week.  The pay isn't great but the company is!  I'm actually going to help my mom declutter her house.  I know some people would cringe at the idea but I love it!  I am a total nerd when it comes to organizing.  Honestly if I could get a job doing that I would be in heaven but sadly there either isn't much of a demand or I'm not looking in the right places.

What's crazy to me is I'm 34 years old and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

There are so many things that sound awesome in theory but when I do more research into the job itself I realize its not for me.  Everything I really want to do either requires a lot of school, the pay isn't great, or both.  I'm still praying about it all and know that God will lead me to where He wants me to be so no worries.

Me Update:

What about me?  I'm hanging in there and taking things day by day.  All of this has really brought my depression back full force which has been tough.  Some days are better than others of course and so I am thankful for the good days and just try to press through the bad ones.

Here's one thing I've been doing every morning that I look forward to every day.

Quiet time in the Word and a cup of coffee.  I feel so lucky that I get to do this every morning.  I have been having more of a hunger to know God's Word on a deeper level so I pulled out a book my grandmother gave me a few years back How to Study Your Bible by Kay Arthur and am trying to learn the Inductive approach.  It's definitely a work in progress but I hope one day to share what God has revealed to me through this rich study.

This week two of my long time best friends came by to visit me and it really revived me.  When the going gets tough you really realize who your friends are (and that's all I'm going to say about that).  I love these girls so much and really need to start making more time for them.

One thing that stinks about being an adult is not having time for your friends like you used to.  What's so great about these two women is that months could go by without us talking or seeing each other but we all love each other and are there when we are really needed.  I'm really blessed to call them friends.

OK its nap time for real! LOL Happy last day of September!!!

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Only By Grace Joins SparkPeople

Last week while my mind was in a complete haze and I suddenly had hours and hours to think about things and life I realized just how much I hate my body.  I can't stand it!  I'm not comfortable the way I am right now and I remembered I've been here before.

It was April 2009.  I was sick in bed on a Saturday afternoon.  I got up to make everyone dinner and then went to lay back down.  I was in tears because it took all my energy to take care of my family and the past few years had been like this.  I was sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time.

Being a one income family didn't leave any room for extra expenses so I grabbed my laptop and searched on Google "free weight loss programs."  That's when I found out about SparkPeople for the first time.  I signed up immediately and thus began my first weight loss journey.  I kept up my journey until I got married and after that I stopped signing on.  I figured I didn't need it anymore.  I had hit my goal and that was that.  I had maintained my goal weight for a year and life was going good so I just left it alone.

That is until this last week when I remembered the last time I felt this was April 2009 when enough was enough and I had taken action and lost 60+ pounds.  I logged in and looked at my old page.  I couldn't believe how much I had changed from then to now.  In the two years since I've been on I've gained all that weight back PLUS!  It actually discouraged me so much I logged off and decided it was time for a new beginning so I signed up again and this time I am OnlyByGrace0420 because it truly is only by grace that I am here today and April 20th is the day my life changed forever.  I married my best friend and started my new and wonderful life.  I never felt more hope than I did on that day and I always want to remember how that felt.

I've been back on there for a week and it's been a struggle.  I remember just how much I hate logging food (though I know right now I need to) but I also remembered how amazing the community is!  I've already "met" two girls that are almost exactly in the same boat that I am in and are just as determined as me!

When I signed up again it helped me create a weight loss goal:

How perfect is this!!  April 2016 L and me will celebrate 5 wonderful years together and 3 years being married.  :)

I have a feeling this time will be different for me and if you too are on SparkPeople or would like to join look me up!!  I could use the support and you know I'll be there for you too.

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When Things Don't Go Our Way

It's been a week since I've been home and I have to say that things have been going by in a blur.  I feel like I'm just going through the motions right now and cannot wait to get out of this fog that I've been in.

I'm not sure what you guys do for a daily devotional but I found the First 5 app a few weeks ago and fell in love.  It's short and to the point but what I love is that you can meditate on the truths all day long and they have a beautiful picture I usually post on Instagram or Tweet. ;)

This morning's hit me so hard I thought I would come on here and share my thoughts.  The passage is Genesis 16:7-8 (NLT)

The angel of the lord found Hagar beside a spring of water in the wilderness, along the road to Shur. 8The angel said to her, “Hagar, Sarai’s servant, where have you come from, and where are you going?”  “I’m running away from my mistress, Sarai,” she replied.

Sarai couldn't have children so she asked her husband to sleep with her servant so she could have children through her.  That part hits me for another reason but that's for another blog post.  What stands out to me today is that Sarai didn't want to wait on God's timing.  She was ready to be a mother so bad that she took matters into her own hands.

Once upon a time I did the same thing that Sarai did.  I took matters into my own hands.  

My sister found her soulmate when she was 13 years old.  I always envied her because I could never find Mr. Right and by the time I was 20 I was tired of being alone.  It didn't help that a month before my sister had gotten married and was starting her life with her new husband and here is her OLDER sister feeling like an old maid.  I also must add that every woman in my family either got married or had a child before they were 18.  I was the first to break that cycle and in my warped 20 year old mind I thought there was something wrong with me.

I started dating a guy that did not share my Christian values and I knew from the beginning was all wrong for me but I didn't care.  I was sick and tired of being the third wheel to everything and was ready to be a WE instead of an I.  I quit going to church and we moved in together.  It was an extremely volatile relationship and we had such horrible fights that the cops were called on us several times.  

We broke up and got back together a few times and even got engaged but he would never set a date and when I talked about the wedding he would get upset with me and say that I was obsessed.  After a year and half of everything I was done.  I decided to break up with him for good when I found out that I was pregnant.  Sure the fear of raising a child did come to my mind but with my hormones raging I thought about how close I was to actually being able to have a family.  I knew if I married him it wouldn't last but everyone divorces now and they come out ok right?  (I'm telling you I was SO not in my right mind)

We got married and ended up having two children and after 6 1/2 years I couldn't take it anymore.  Things had become even more abusive despite me hoping that having children would calm him down.  So I did one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.  I left.  

I look back to 20 year old me and just want to slap some sense into her!  I wanted a husband and a family so bad that I tried to make it happen and look what happened.  My boys are now children of a broken home and even though I have since found my soulmate I tell him all the time I wish I would've just waited for him.

I don't think I felt like God saw me during that time but He did.  He saw me when I was in a miserable, abusive marriage.  He saw me when I left and started to doubt myself and my faith.  He was there when I looked up and saw my soulmate for the first time which was in one of the lowest points of my life and He sees me today. 

   

I want so much to try to make our finances work and to force jobs so we can get some income so bad but this morning God is telling me to wait, have faith, and take every step with Him.  You better believe this time I am!

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Employed No More

Life has came on me pretty hard and I have had some major turmoil.

The biggest cause for turmoil is I am no longer employed.  The decision was by my own choosing but it was one of the hardest decisions I've had to make in a long time.  My family relies on my income so me leaving my job was not something that was not taken lightly.

I left mainly for moral and ethical reasons.  I was being asked to do things that were unethical and I did not feel right doing what was asked of me so there was pretty much an ultimatum.  Either I complied or I left.  So I left.  I felt horrible not putting in my notice but just the thought of going back to that place one more time made me physically ill.  When a job starts to affect you both mentally and physically its time to bounce.  There are some things that money just cannot buy and health and happiness are two of those things.

This week has been a huge adjustment.  I feel like I've been in a daze.  My head is constantly hurting and I don't know what to do with myself.  My house is getting a lot cleaner and I love being able to drop off and pick up my boys but I am already feeling the financial pressure on me big time.  I would give more details but I promised my husband that I would not say much about it BUT if you are a prayer warrior our family could use a lot of prayer right now.  I'll just leave it at that.

So what now?

Well...I'm not 100% sure.  I really want to change careers completely and go back to school but financially there is just no way right now.  I'm debating on finding something else in my field or just get some meaningless whatever job to help get us by and go back to school part time.  If this was a perfect situation and we didn't rely so heavily on my income I would just go back to school and enjoy my kids and being a stay-at-home wife/mom but it doesn't look like its going to work out that way.

I am just praying and continuously giving it all to the Lord.  It's all too big for me.

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Living Room Dreaming

A few months ago we decided to start working on our living room.  When we first moved into the house the walls were brown.  Not cream or beige but an ugly dark brown.  We soon realized not too long after moving in that the reason for the paint was to hide a ton of imperfections.  

Not long after we moved in we started painting.  Husband loves blue so we went with a light blue for the living room with a darker, brighter blue for the accent wall.  We ended up with bluer and darker walls than what we expected.  Our living room doesn't have the best lighting (the windows line the southside wall only) so it was still really dark though definitely an improvement from the brown.

This year for our anniversary we decided to paint the whole living room a light grey.  We both love the elegance and at that time had already decided that the carpet was going to go and we were going to do hardwood instead both for the look and for this gals allergies. :p

Once the paint set we realized that this "light gray" looked way too much like a "bright white" so now it looks like we are back to square one again.  Boo!!

A few weeks ago with the help of my AMAZING in-laws we put hardwood laminate in our living room and hallways.  I am in LOVE!!  Here is a pic before we did the clean up (notice the white walls)...

Now that the floors are done we realized just how old and worn our living room set is.

Here's Reagan pouting on the couch a few nights ago.  Cuteness...  Do you see the colors?  The nasty cream and brown?  Blah!!  

So now we are stuck.  We have no clue what to do about the walls or the furniture so today my goal is to figure out a living room set that we can save up to buy and base our color scheme off of it.  I've been looking on a few websites and Rooms To Go seems to have what I have in mind. 

Cindy Crawford Bellingham Indigo 2Pc Classic Living Room

Husband isn't sold on this set but I like it!  It'll give the room color, we could do the gray walls that Husband is wanting, and this blue would look great with the olive green I'm wanting for the kitchen (our next project).  

Almost all the living room sets are about $2000 so we definitely need to start saving soon.  I am hoping to get a new set by the beginning of this next year.  I think this will be our Christmas presents. ;) 

If anyone has any ideas on color schemes let me know.  As you can see I am severely lacking in the decorating department.

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Lean Not On My Own Understanding

I fight depression almost on a daily basis.  Being a Christian I hate admitting it but just like I was telling my own boys earlier, "All have sinned and fallen short..." (Romans 3:23) and boy do I fall short.

I've tried to write this blog several times and I'm not sure how to even put it all into words.  I have so many good things in my life and then there are huge struggles that me and my family are fighting but my biggest struggle is actually within myself.  I am coming to realize that I am my biggest problem.  I am a self sabotager.  I think this could be my biggest reason for struggling with depression and the reason why I start so many things strong but either finish weak or never finish at all.

Trust is a big issue with me.  I can't trust myself.  I have relied on my own understanding for so long and look where it's gotten me.  I feel depressed and hopeless.  I've believed so many lies lately and it's killing me.  I must go back to God's Word and replace those lies with His truth.  

I was made more than what I'm living right now.  I need to stop procrastinating.  I must stop letting fear keep me from living the life I know I was meant to live.  I need to get out of my head and just do!

I've been in my head.  I've always been the thinker.  Well no more!  I'm going to get up and DO.  It doesn't matter if I feel like it or not.  It doesn't matter if I'm scared.  I have a faith and a God that transcends fear and I know when I DO no matter what He is there for me.

Sorry if none of this makes any sense.  I've been sick the past few days and too much into my head.  I was hoping putting my scattered thoughts down would help and in some ways it has.  

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My First VBS

I have been a member of several churches since being saved at sixteen but being apart of Crossroads is so different than any of my other church experiences.  Their children's ministry is amazing and of course VBS is huge so when they started taking volunteers I knew it was something I wanted to do.

Work had a problem with me taking the week off but I took that as more fuel for the flame.  When you have opposition you know you're doing something right in my opinion.  My boss even went as far as not letting me use vacation time due to a technicality but it still didn't deter me.  I was going to do this with or without pay!

Monday was hard I'm not going to lie.  Our church is huge and with over 2,000 volunteers and kids I knew it was going to be a little crazy.

When I first signed up for VBS they put me in crafts which I was fine with but since I teach 2nd grade Sunday school and they were short on 4th grade leaders I volunteered and ended up with 14 boys and girls none of whom I've ever met.  I found out really quick the ones I was going to have a problem with and the ones that were going to be awesome.  They gave me a high school assistant who was more interested in another assistant that was volunteering than helping me out so that first day was crazy and hard.  There was also an issue with another leader that had me in tears the whole rest of the day.  I left doubting if I made the right decision and felt so inadequate.

By Wednesday my spirits were lifted and we were getting our groove.  My assistant was engaging the kids and having him truly be apart of our group made all the difference.  I was finally getting to know my kids and by this time I was falling in love.  Monday I was dreading Tuesday and thinking "what did I get myself into!" but by Wednesday I couldn't believe it was almost over!   Time was going by too fast!

Thursday is a blur and Friday zoomed by.  As I said goodbye to each of my kids I started to get emotional.  I was so happy that two of my boys accepted Jesus to be their Lord and Savior!!  I will forever cherish that.

We were team D so before VBS started my husband and me made a little team name.

Yes we were the Dream Team and even though there were some moments that were not so dreamy I wouldn't trade my experience for anything in the world.  I loved teaching 4th grade so much that one of the children's leaders is thinking about having me teach 4th grade girls on Sundays instead of 2nd grade.  I'm just praying about it and putting it in God's hands.  I do have to say I enjoyed that age group so much.  It's like they're just starting to get their personalities and to see their excitement for Jesus was contagious.

I had each of my kids sign the back of my D and I am going to hang it in my gym as a reminder of this incredible week.

Monday its back to work and normalcy but this girl is forever changed.

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Stuck in the Middle with You

Today my baby is nine.  Not just my baby but my BABY baby.  He's the last child I will ever have and he is entering his last year in single digits and to say that this momma is a hot mess today is an understatement. 

Sure I put on a brave face and say "I love you" and sing "Happy Birthday" in every goofy way possible but this Momma heart is happy and sad all at the same time.

I remember the day he was born like it was yesterday.  It went about as perfect as could be (with the exception of the anesthesiologist running late and my epidural kicking in right after the final push...). Up to that point I had resented my pregnancy.  I was having "just another boy" and not the beautiful baby girl I had dreamed of.  Until the nurse put DJ in my arms for the first time and my heart melted. This little baby boy was my heart.  He was absolutely perfect.

Nine years later and I have to admit that he's an amazing boy.  He is so incredibly smart despite being autistic and overcomes every obstacle that comes his way with positivity and grace.  He has the biggest heart, the sweetest little laugh, and can instantly make me feel better without a single word.

When I have been my sickest he's been right by my side giving me strength and hope.  I am so thankful to be his Mama and thank God every day that he is mine here on this earth.

I love you DJ so much!  You have given me more than I could ever possibly give you and I hope that your birthday is as amazing as you are.  You're my Pickle now and forever and I love being Stuck in the Middle with You. ;) 

Love, 
Mommy

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Exhausted, Stressed, Yet Blessed

I usually title my blog posts before I write them but today's I can't exactly put a title on what I'm feeling.  Why?

1) I feel exhausted

I slept until 11am which for me is crazy because usually sleeping in for me is 9ish.  I couldn't help it.  This week has been one of the worst weeks I've had in a long time (more about that later) and even though I've been sleeping I haven't been resting if that makes any sense and I think my body was done.  Even though I'm up I still feel like I could lay back down...and I just might. ;)

2)  I feel stressed

I work a hard job.  I am a lead pharmacy technician for a local independent pharmacy but we are not your normal mom and pop place.  We are a speciality pharmacy and the way its ran its more like a mail order!  Thursday we actually did over 700 prescriptions which is mind boggling but that's not really the stress.  My job has no structure.  It has bothered me for the past few years (I've been at this job almost 4 1/2 years) when we decided to go from full service to speciality.  I haven't been happy there in a long time but I've prayed about it and God hasn't opened up any other opportunities to me.

I have had other places that have wanted to hire me but when you have 15+ experience as a technician no one wants to pay you what you're worth.  They want to hire these kids fresh out of school that they can pay a little over minimum wage.  Whatever.  What's funny is I don't even want to be a technician.  I never have!  It was a chance meeting that got me into the business and I guess you could say I've been stuck ever since which leads me to number three...

3)  I feel like there is more to life than this

My podcast of choice this week has been Chip Ingram and Living on the Edge.  He's been talking about spiritual gifts (Chip wrote a great blog about Why Developing Our Spiritual Gifts Is So Important that you should definitely check out) and I've been deep into my Kingdom Woman book so my thoughts have been about God's Kingdom and not my own.  I know there is more to life than this and that life is too short for all the stress and exhaustion but I feel like I'm going in circles.

I've never felt like I'm living my purpose.  I've had an inner battle my entire life about what my purpose is and how I have never felt like I am living what I am meant to be doing.  I have passions and gifts and I know I am not living my passion or utilizing my gifts.  My problem is that I don't really know who I am and why God created me yet.  I think once I get that down then everything else will fall into place.

4)  I have family conflict that is weighing heavy on me

 I won't go into much detail with this one but I will say that when you have a conflict with people in your family it tends to bring you down.  I am thankful that things in my immediate family are fine.  It's a conflict with members of my extended family that are definitely weighting down on me.

I know that life will never be perfect and I am thankful that God is revealing a lot of Himself to me during this season of time and for that I am truly blessed.  I am learning to rely on Him for everything and put my complete trust in His plan, not my own.  I know that even though I have stress and conflict that God will use all of this for His good and so I patiently wait until the day when I can look back and see His incredible tapestry.

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Becoming A Kingdom Woman

Anyone who has known me for any length of time knows that I'm a bookworm.  At any given time I can be reading anywhere from 2-6 books at once.  It's an addiction that has been apart of me my entire life.  Yesterday after church we stopped by our church's bookstore and I was immediately drawn to this book.

I kept picking it up and putting it back down.  I hardly have time to read like I used to why would I want to start something new?  I pick it up again and look at Husband with those 'I have to have it' eyes.  He nods his head and before I know it I'm in the car devouring the first section.

I have been feeling this hunger lately to be a more Godly woman.  I feel like for the past 30+ years that I have had a wrong view of what a Godly woman looks like and I truly believe God put this book in my hands for a reason.

Today I worked a 9 hour shift at work, stopped by the store to exchange an item, came home and started dinner, cleaned up the kitchen, served my family dinner, ate at the table with my family with no television on, cleaned up dinner, put up laundry and started another load, then sat and studied for my CPhT license as I enjoyed being surrounded by my family.  Not bad for a Monday!

I would love to say that every day is like this but sadly its not.  There is still a lot that I wanted to do but didn't get a chance to but I'm not going to beat myself up over it.  I am thankful that God gave me the strength to accomplish what I did today and I hope and pray that I can do it all over again tomorrow and with the right attitude and spirit.

Has anyone else read Kingdom Woman?  I would love to meet some like-minded women who share my hunger to truly live for the Lord and be the woman that God made them to be.

I'm off to read a few pages before bed. ;)  I cannot WAIT to have my eyes and heart opened to His truth.

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True Freedom

Happy 4th of July!!!

 Today is one of my favorite holidays!  Who doesn't love food, family, and fireworks!! 

This year I'm a little sad. This morning my niece and mother-in-love went back home. We begged them to stay until tomorrow so we could have some family time but my MIL had her mind set and nothing was going to change that. That's one of the many things I love and admire about her: she is a strong woman. 

So today I am celebrating with my little family at home. We are going to clean out the garage as a family and FREE ourselves from junk. 😉 Tonight Husband is going to grill and we are hoping to see some fireworks. I've heard some shows are cancelled but there is bound to be one around here somewhere. 

I am so thankful for the freedom I have not only in my country but in my God. This past year as I have grown closer to the Lord I see freedom so differently than I used to. I was thinking this morning about how much my perspective has changed so much and how I can look back and see Gods Hands at work in my life.  He is slowly freeing me from a life of bondage. He is freeing me from the burden of past sin and making me new. Most recently He is freeing me from an eating disorder and negative self image. That last one is still a major work in progress but I know in time I will be made new and my negativity about myself will be a distant memory. 

I hope everyone has a safe and happy 4th of July!!  I'm off to clean a garage....😏

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