Hiding No More

Hiding.  That's what I've been doing for almost a year.  I don't get out of my house much.  I'm ashamed of the girl that I've become, the girl I've allowed myself to become.  I can't look at myself in the mirror.  I hate that I am ashamed of who I am.

2018 was a tough year for me.  The entire year I was horribly sick, going through treatment after treatment, doctor to doctor, until I couldn't take it anymore.  One of my treatments were these horrible injections that I had to get every three weeks in my neck and lower back.  The pain was almost unbearable, even with pain medications, and what's crazy is they were supposed to be helping my pain.

Me at 250lbs
All my doctors have said they've done all they can do.  I have to find a way to live with this pain, have a very scary surgery, or go through chemo/radiation to try to shrink the cysts.  I chose to live with it for as long as I can.

It's so hard.  I have gained so much weight through this whole ordeal.  I was roughly 190lbs when I went into the hospital in November 2017 and when I weighed January 1, 2019 I was 250lbs.  I'm only 25lbs smaller than my husband.  That fact put me in a deep depression, which is how I started 2019.

Then the flu hits my house hard.  I had the stomach flu and I have felt like death for over a week now.  The only good thing that has come out of the entire ordeal is that I've lost about 10lbs.

The photo on the left is me at a New Years Eve party.  250lbs.  My cheeks are so chubby that you can hardly see my eyes.  I have two chins.  I sweat no matter what I'm doing, and when I say sweat I mean dripping, sopping wet.  Ask anyone at the New Years Eve party that I attended.  I was sweating so much that my hair was wet!  I've never done this before in my life!

I have been having problems breathing, even just walking around the house, so my doctor prescribed me an inhaler.  I'm in a size 20.  When I began this journey I was in a 14.  My doctor has told me that the injections and several of my medications, paired with me being immobile has put me here, but I hate it so much.  This is why I'm ashamed.  I'm obese.


I wrote this blog post in January of this year but I couldn't bring myself to post it.  I turned 38 on May 10th and this year I gave myself a gift, one that I should've given myself a long time ago.  I accepted myself for who I am, right where I am in this moment.  I have spent my whole life comparing myself to everyone else, never feeling like I measure up, and for what?  I'm ready to be me and be proud of who I am!  No, I do not look how I want to look but that's ok!  I'm a fighter and I've fought for so much in my life and now I am going to fight to be comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life.

My boys tell me I'm beautiful every day. 
I love that they do and not just because it makes me feel good, but because I know when they look at me they look past the superficial and see what's inside.  I do believe I have a beautiful soul and that's the only beauty that really matters.  I need to remember that when I'm feeling myself get negative.

We are in the process of moving, which adds a whole other dimension to my multifaceted life, but it is also helping to keep my mind occupied and my body busy, which is much needed.  I tend to live in my head too much and this is a great escape.  It is also allowing me to purge things that no longer bring my joy and to open a floodgate of memories, both good and bad.

When I am hit with a memory newly remembered I take a photo and write everything I can remember about that particular item or time in my life.  The boys love hearing about my past and I am hoping to give them a memoir of sorts one day, hopefully scrapbooked, so that they can know who their momma was and where I can reveal many hidden truths that would otherwise go with me to my grave.  It's been pretty fun and it's a wonderful reminder of all that I've been through.

Current Situation
The part I hate is all the repairs we are having to do. 
There is a ton of painting and cleaning going on, as well as ripping out all the carpets so we can get new flooring.  What I hate is we are doing all the things I have wanted done for years and we won't be here to enjoy any of it.  It's ok because I am looking at the big picture.  We are selling to pay off a ton of debt, and to save up for our dream house in south Texas.  It's going to take a few years of "living like no one else" but it's going to be worth it.

As far as how I feel things have been better.  I am on daily pain medication to function but I am functioning better than I have in awhile.  I am starting a new monthly injection for my migraines that is supposed to help prevent them, so fingers crossed.  My cysts still hurt all the time but I am learning how to deal with them and not push myself too hard.  Of course, with moving and being on a time constraint I have pushed a little too hard these past few weeks, but I need that push, both for my mental and physical health.

I am planning on getting on a weight loss program once we get moved and settled.  My doctor wants me to try Weight Watchers before he puts me on any weight loss medications, so I'm sure that's the direction my weight loss journey will be headed.

If you've stuck it out with me this long, BLESS YOU!  All of my readers are amazing and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support. ♥︎
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