What's My Problem?

The first full week of October has been rough.  My pain is back full force, still fighting depression, and I don't know about you guys but this allergy season has been the worst for me.  Usually I battle allergies more in the spring but this year it's fall for the win!

Yesterday I tried to start back on the 21 Day Fix eating plan and lasted half a day until I got so hungry I started shaking and then it was a free for all.  I did make healthier choices though there was a lot of cheese but I did not get the workout in.

I have started walking to pick my son up from school instead of driving to pick him up and found out that's a 15 minute walk and my iWatch counts it as workout minutes. Sweet!  I am also try to get 5,000 steps each day for October and this has helped me get close to my goal but I'm still not there.  Right now I am averaging anywhere between 2,000-4,000 steps a day depending on how I feel and what's going on that day and that just doesn't cut it for me.  My goal is to get up to 10,000 steps per day but I am really trying to break that up into smaller, attainable goals thus the 5,000 for October.

I am realizing something about my many failed healthy eating and workout attempts that I think rings true for many people:

I do not like to feel restricted 

I think this is where my problem starts.  Every time I try to count calories or just stick to a certain meal plan I always fail because I don't like being told I can't eat or drink something.  So now I am trying to figure out what I can make of that.  Maybe instead of restricting myself I can add goals like a certain number of servings of vegetables per day or watching my portions instead of counting calories.

I really want to get to the bottom of why I continue to fail.  It's like in some sick way I don't want myself to succeed though that's what I want more than anything right now!  There must be other people out there like me.  I'm not alone in this right?  What have other people done to find out what makes them succeed?  Well, that's what I'm going to try to figure out.  I have to fight for my health and right now everything I've tried has failed.

A friend of mine started Jenny Craig and so far as lost 15lbs but at this point there is no way I can afford to do that.  I just feel so discouraged.  I was really hoping October would be my month and so far it hasn't been BUT I still have a few weeks to turn things around right? ;)