When Things Don't Go Our Way

It's been a week since I've been home and I have to say that things have been going by in a blur.  I feel like I'm just going through the motions right now and cannot wait to get out of this fog that I've been in.

I'm not sure what you guys do for a daily devotional but I found the First 5 app a few weeks ago and fell in love.  It's short and to the point but what I love is that you can meditate on the truths all day long and they have a beautiful picture I usually post on Instagram or Tweet. ;)

This morning's hit me so hard I thought I would come on here and share my thoughts.  The passage is Genesis 16:7-8 (NLT)

The angel of the lord found Hagar beside a spring of water in the wilderness, along the road to Shur. 8The angel said to her, “Hagar, Sarai’s servant, where have you come from, and where are you going?”  “I’m running away from my mistress, Sarai,” she replied.

Sarai couldn't have children so she asked her husband to sleep with her servant so she could have children through her.  That part hits me for another reason but that's for another blog post.  What stands out to me today is that Sarai didn't want to wait on God's timing.  She was ready to be a mother so bad that she took matters into her own hands.

Once upon a time I did the same thing that Sarai did.  I took matters into my own hands.  

My sister found her soulmate when she was 13 years old.  I always envied her because I could never find Mr. Right and by the time I was 20 I was tired of being alone.  It didn't help that a month before my sister had gotten married and was starting her life with her new husband and here is her OLDER sister feeling like an old maid.  I also must add that every woman in my family either got married or had a child before they were 18.  I was the first to break that cycle and in my warped 20 year old mind I thought there was something wrong with me.

I started dating a guy that did not share my Christian values and I knew from the beginning was all wrong for me but I didn't care.  I was sick and tired of being the third wheel to everything and was ready to be a WE instead of an I.  I quit going to church and we moved in together.  It was an extremely volatile relationship and we had such horrible fights that the cops were called on us several times.  

We broke up and got back together a few times and even got engaged but he would never set a date and when I talked about the wedding he would get upset with me and say that I was obsessed.  After a year and half of everything I was done.  I decided to break up with him for good when I found out that I was pregnant.  Sure the fear of raising a child did come to my mind but with my hormones raging I thought about how close I was to actually being able to have a family.  I knew if I married him it wouldn't last but everyone divorces now and they come out ok right?  (I'm telling you I was SO not in my right mind)

We got married and ended up having two children and after 6 1/2 years I couldn't take it anymore.  Things had become even more abusive despite me hoping that having children would calm him down.  So I did one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.  I left.  

I look back to 20 year old me and just want to slap some sense into her!  I wanted a husband and a family so bad that I tried to make it happen and look what happened.  My boys are now children of a broken home and even though I have since found my soulmate I tell him all the time I wish I would've just waited for him.

I don't think I felt like God saw me during that time but He did.  He saw me when I was in a miserable, abusive marriage.  He saw me when I left and started to doubt myself and my faith.  He was there when I looked up and saw my soulmate for the first time which was in one of the lowest points of my life and He sees me today. 

   

I want so much to try to make our finances work and to force jobs so we can get some income so bad but this morning God is telling me to wait, have faith, and take every step with Him.  You better believe this time I am!