There is Hope! 41 Will Come

God's timing is so amazing.  Sometimes you look at a certain situation and you see God all up in it.  This situation might not be easy.  Actually I can guarantee it not but you know that God is allowing it for a reason and you pray, give it all to God, and walk by faith every moment until you find yourself victorious.

A few months ago Tyndale House Publishers graciously accepted me as one of their reviewers/bloggers of new releases and each month I will be sharing with my readers some of the amazing books that are being published.

I was so excited when my first book came in: 41 Will Come by Chuck E. Tate.

When I first read the introduction I knew this was going to be something God was going to use in my life. I've had issues I've struggled with my whole life.  Maybe God was going to open my eyes about one of those issues.  Little did I know that this book was going to help me go through one of the hardest challenges of my life.

40 is a significant number in the Bible and though the author does reference them he's more focused on 41.  What is 41?

 "The number 41 represents the dawn of a new day - the hope and promise that if you don't quit, the rain will stop, the giant will fall, and you will enter your 'promised land.'"  

Just reading that gave me hope.  All of us are on a journey.  Some of us are about to enter a storm, some of us are in a storm, and some of us just got out of a storm.  All of us!  40 is the storm; 41 is the rainbow.

A week after I started reading this book my 10-year-old son was in the emergency room then rushed to the PICU with poisoned blood and diagnosed with type 1 diabetes.

Once we got Dylan home from the hospital and fell into a new normal I picked up the book again and it gave me so much hope!  I wish I could say I'm in my promised land right now but I've got several fronts on me at the moment so it could be awhile before I'm in my promised land but that's ok!  Each story that the author references reminds me that even in the storms God is still working and oh when I hit that promised land...baby, it is on! :)

I would HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone!  Mr. Tate's writing style is wonderful and the personal stories he tells are great!  He's funny, encouraging, and heartfelt.  This is the author's first book and I'm positive it's not going to be his last.  Grab a copy! I promise you won't regret it.

NavPress/Tyndale House Publishers has provided me with a complimentary copy of this book for an honest review

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Goodbye September! It's Been Real...

Let me start this post with a disclaimer: if this blog does not make any sense I apologize in advance.  I am extremely sleep deprived. I have been tossing and turning the past three nights and my eyes are black and swollen and my head cannot seem to focus on anything but I figured its the last day of September so I wanted to blog something.  Then I think I'm going to take a much-needed nap. ;)

SparkPeople update:

I didn't jump back in full force like I did the last time I tried to lose weight but I don't think I'm off to that bad of a start.  My focus has been logging in every day, tracking one meal and my water intake, and doing the daily newbie challenge.  So far so good.  I still struggle with my water.  Eight glasses is a breeze for me but I'm going for double that (a gallon a day) and that is more difficult though not completely farfetched.

A few nights ago I was doing good with my water and by the time dinner came I actually wasn't that hungry!  Gotta love the appetite suppressant!!  I'm only weighing once a week but I'm really trying to focus more on how I feel and not on the scale.

With the beginning of the months comes measurements and I will be posting my stats here on the blog.  I'm tired of being ashamed of who I am.  I am Christi and yes I am overweight but I am also on a journey to be my healthiest self.  I'm not perfect and this time I want to document everything I can so one day I can look back and see how far I've came.

Another thing I've realized about myself since starting back on SP is how negative I am about myself.  I am to the point to where I can't even look in the mirror I feel so ashamed.  Not cool.  So while I am trying to work out more and watch what I eat I am also on an emotional journey to love and accept who I am right where I'm at in my life now.  Honestly I think that's going to be the hardest part in all of this.

Job Update:

No I am still unemployed as far as being out in the workforce but you better believe I have kept myself busy.  My house is a lot more in order and I have been decluttering things that should've been done ages ago.

I was hired to do a small temp job here this next week.  The pay isn't great but the company is!  I'm actually going to help my mom declutter her house.  I know some people would cringe at the idea but I love it!  I am a total nerd when it comes to organizing.  Honestly if I could get a job doing that I would be in heaven but sadly there either isn't much of a demand or I'm not looking in the right places.

What's crazy to me is I'm 34 years old and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

There are so many things that sound awesome in theory but when I do more research into the job itself I realize its not for me.  Everything I really want to do either requires a lot of school, the pay isn't great, or both.  I'm still praying about it all and know that God will lead me to where He wants me to be so no worries.

Me Update:

What about me?  I'm hanging in there and taking things day by day.  All of this has really brought my depression back full force which has been tough.  Some days are better than others of course and so I am thankful for the good days and just try to press through the bad ones.

Here's one thing I've been doing every morning that I look forward to every day.

Quiet time in the Word and a cup of coffee.  I feel so lucky that I get to do this every morning.  I have been having more of a hunger to know God's Word on a deeper level so I pulled out a book my grandmother gave me a few years back How to Study Your Bible by Kay Arthur and am trying to learn the Inductive approach.  It's definitely a work in progress but I hope one day to share what God has revealed to me through this rich study.

This week two of my long time best friends came by to visit me and it really revived me.  When the going gets tough you really realize who your friends are (and that's all I'm going to say about that).  I love these girls so much and really need to start making more time for them.

One thing that stinks about being an adult is not having time for your friends like you used to.  What's so great about these two women is that months could go by without us talking or seeing each other but we all love each other and are there when we are really needed.  I'm really blessed to call them friends.

OK its nap time for real! LOL Happy last day of September!!!

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Employed No More

Life has came on me pretty hard and I have had some major turmoil.

The biggest cause for turmoil is I am no longer employed.  The decision was by my own choosing but it was one of the hardest decisions I've had to make in a long time.  My family relies on my income so me leaving my job was not something that was not taken lightly.

I left mainly for moral and ethical reasons.  I was being asked to do things that were unethical and I did not feel right doing what was asked of me so there was pretty much an ultimatum.  Either I complied or I left.  So I left.  I felt horrible not putting in my notice but just the thought of going back to that place one more time made me physically ill.  When a job starts to affect you both mentally and physically its time to bounce.  There are some things that money just cannot buy and health and happiness are two of those things.

This week has been a huge adjustment.  I feel like I've been in a daze.  My head is constantly hurting and I don't know what to do with myself.  My house is getting a lot cleaner and I love being able to drop off and pick up my boys but I am already feeling the financial pressure on me big time.  I would give more details but I promised my husband that I would not say much about it BUT if you are a prayer warrior our family could use a lot of prayer right now.  I'll just leave it at that.

So what now?

Well...I'm not 100% sure.  I really want to change careers completely and go back to school but financially there is just no way right now.  I'm debating on finding something else in my field or just get some meaningless whatever job to help get us by and go back to school part time.  If this was a perfect situation and we didn't rely so heavily on my income I would just go back to school and enjoy my kids and being a stay-at-home wife/mom but it doesn't look like its going to work out that way.

I am just praying and continuously giving it all to the Lord.  It's all too big for me.

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Exhausted, Stressed, Yet Blessed

I usually title my blog posts before I write them but today's I can't exactly put a title on what I'm feeling.  Why?

1) I feel exhausted

I slept until 11am which for me is crazy because usually sleeping in for me is 9ish.  I couldn't help it.  This week has been one of the worst weeks I've had in a long time (more about that later) and even though I've been sleeping I haven't been resting if that makes any sense and I think my body was done.  Even though I'm up I still feel like I could lay back down...and I just might. ;)

2)  I feel stressed

I work a hard job.  I am a lead pharmacy technician for a local independent pharmacy but we are not your normal mom and pop place.  We are a speciality pharmacy and the way its ran its more like a mail order!  Thursday we actually did over 700 prescriptions which is mind boggling but that's not really the stress.  My job has no structure.  It has bothered me for the past few years (I've been at this job almost 4 1/2 years) when we decided to go from full service to speciality.  I haven't been happy there in a long time but I've prayed about it and God hasn't opened up any other opportunities to me.

I have had other places that have wanted to hire me but when you have 15+ experience as a technician no one wants to pay you what you're worth.  They want to hire these kids fresh out of school that they can pay a little over minimum wage.  Whatever.  What's funny is I don't even want to be a technician.  I never have!  It was a chance meeting that got me into the business and I guess you could say I've been stuck ever since which leads me to number three...

3)  I feel like there is more to life than this

My podcast of choice this week has been Chip Ingram and Living on the Edge.  He's been talking about spiritual gifts (Chip wrote a great blog about Why Developing Our Spiritual Gifts Is So Important that you should definitely check out) and I've been deep into my Kingdom Woman book so my thoughts have been about God's Kingdom and not my own.  I know there is more to life than this and that life is too short for all the stress and exhaustion but I feel like I'm going in circles.

I've never felt like I'm living my purpose.  I've had an inner battle my entire life about what my purpose is and how I have never felt like I am living what I am meant to be doing.  I have passions and gifts and I know I am not living my passion or utilizing my gifts.  My problem is that I don't really know who I am and why God created me yet.  I think once I get that down then everything else will fall into place.

4)  I have family conflict that is weighing heavy on me

 I won't go into much detail with this one but I will say that when you have a conflict with people in your family it tends to bring you down.  I am thankful that things in my immediate family are fine.  It's a conflict with members of my extended family that are definitely weighting down on me.

I know that life will never be perfect and I am thankful that God is revealing a lot of Himself to me during this season of time and for that I am truly blessed.  I am learning to rely on Him for everything and put my complete trust in His plan, not my own.  I know that even though I have stress and conflict that God will use all of this for His good and so I patiently wait until the day when I can look back and see His incredible tapestry.

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My Current Situation

Here's what a 30% chance of rain looks like in North Texas right now...

I'm thankful for the rain don't get me wrong but this is craziness!  All this flooding and people actually dying!  It's just too much!

Thankful tonight to be in my home with my family listening to my little Yorkie bark at the thunder like its an intruder.  Crazy dog...

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August 2014

I knew that August was going to be a crazy month but I had no idea it would be so non-stop!  Today is the first day in weeks that I've actually been able to sit down and write about everything!  So here is August 2014 for yours truly.

I've Recommitted

August started out pretty awesome.  We had been going to a new church the last few weeks of July and L and I both felt the Lord prompting us to go to a class that the church offers the beginning of the month which goes more into what the church is all about to see if it really was a good fit for us and our family.

After the class we went to the 11:30 church service and when they did the alter call we walked down to join the church.  They sat us down and asked if we had ever been baptized.  I was when I was 16 when I first got saved but I think I was more scared into it than it being my choice and that's exactly what I told the counselor.  I also found out that L had never been baptized.  They asked us if we wanted to right then and after a prayer we said yes.  On August 3, 2014 with my husband I was baptized and recommitted myself to the Lord.  It was such an amazing day and one that I will never forget.

The Recital

August 9th was the recital.  I'm not sure if I mentioned it on here or not but I am a singer and flutist.  I come from a super musical family and around this time last year my dad decided to start a little band with my uncle, my stepsister, and my cousins son who was just learning how to play the guitar.  Since they've never played in front of anyone before we had a "recital" where they could all perform and a lot of my family members joined in, myself included and my boys actually.  We dressed up in costumes and my oldest was Paul Stanley from Kiss.

This is E and me doing our best Gene Simmons impersonations.  Not bad, huh?  All in all it was a wonderful night of family, friends, and music.  We are already considering doing another show next year so maybe by then I won't be too embarrassed to post my singing on here. ;)

Are You Ready For Some Football?!

Flag football to be exact! :)

The church has a wonderful children's ministry and when the boys saw that they had sign ups for flag football they begged us to let them join.  My boys have never played sports on a team before mainly because I wanted them to choose and not me choose for them and they chose flag football.  Practices started a few weeks ago and they both seem to like it but you can tell they're newbies for real! E (the one in the white shirt and black shorts) is actually doing better.  His last practice on Thursday he was catching the ball and running it nicely.  D on the other hand has a hard time but I think his team is more doing it for fun.  I don't see D playing again next season but E?  Maybe.

First Day of School

This year we decided to move the boys to the school in our district.  The past few years I kept them in the district where there dads house is but last year was rough and when I looked more into it the school in our neighborhood is one of the best schools in our entire school district so their dad and me agreed we needed to move them.

They both were so nervous.  They had to leave all their friends and normalcy.  I totally get it.  They've never been able to walk to school before and we live close enough so we all walked together on the first day of school.  Every year I take a picture of them in their seats on the first day of school.  Here's my 3rd grader...

 and here is my 4th grader and my last picture of my E in elementary school. *sniffle*

You two need to stop growing up so fast for real!!  We were so tired and sweaty from walking that I didn't get a chance to give them much of a pep talk except to say that this year is going to be different and you make it what it will be.  I dropped E off last because I know how awful last year was for him and I wanted to stay with him as long as possible.  I did manage to snap one more shot out the door that just broke my heart.

I worried about this kid all day long and was so relieved when I picked them up at the after school care and they both said they had a wonderful day.  Thank goodness!!

This whole week they were both great!  I think the new school was a wonderful choice and I'm so excited to see how this school year is for both the boys.

So what now?

Since we are back to school and I have to pick up the boys from after school care by 6 and have them at football practice two nights a week I have cut my hours down to normal hours (8-5).  My afternoon commute has me at the boys school almost right at 6 which puts some stress on me BUT at least now I get to be home with my family.

Flavia has another challenge starting next weekend and I think I'm ready to join it.  It'll be a year in October since my surgery and I think I'm to the point now where I need to get more focused on me.  Sure life is insane and I'm more exhausted this week than I've been in a LONG time but I need this for me.  Plus if I can actually win and get some cash that would be amazing!!  Maybe then I could finally get the flooring for my home gym.  Eek!!

I have also joined an accountability group to help me get my eating under control and I'm going to the doctor on Wednesday to talk about my hormones and weight loss.  Maybe they can help me get off this weight gaining/losing roller coaster I've been on for so long.

So that's my August 2014.  Now to get ready for a football filled September and lots of pics!!! :)

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Where Did March Go?

This month has been pure insanity!  Here's a little update:

50 hours minimum of each week is devoted to work

Our business has exploded and to keep up with the pace my boss has asked me (Ms. Manager) to help pick up some of the slack.  I do like my job and we could definitely use the money so for the time being I am doing it.

What's been hard is balancing work with my home life.  I honestly feel like I am working two jobs which leaves little room for anything else.  Add kids and what little family time I get and you have one exhausted woman.  I never get any time to myself!

I am officially back to 175lbs 

I haven't been since post-baby.  I blame the crazy hours and hardly eating.  It's awful.  I'm using work and busyness to justify me not eating.  I nibble on a few things at work and when I get home I eat pretty much whatever I want which is rarely healthy.  Then I go to bed and do it all over again.  It's horrible and I know something has to give but right now I feel like I'm on one of those little hamster wheels and I can't seem to get off.

My husband buys me an elliptical

When I first lost my baby weight the elliptical is what sparked my change and I think he was hoping it would again.  So far no go even though it is in my living room starring at me every single day.  I've gotten on a few times but my thighs have gotten so big (where I hold the majority of my weight) that my knees and feet ache something fierce.  No bueno.

My oldest turns 9 years old  

We celebrated by going bowling and the pictures from his party are a huge wakeup call for me.

(L would kill me if he knew I was posting this. LOL)  Look at me!  I know I had a major surgery a few months ago and my hormones are still trying to balance and I should be easier on myself but I just can't.  I worked so hard to lose weight the first time and now here I am back where I started.  It's disheartening to say the least. 

April is MY month

April 20th is our one year anniversary and I was hoping to be back to my weight and instead I am 25+ pounds heavier than I was a year ago.  This gets me fired up!!  Something has to give and though I am not sure exactly what the plan is yet I know that things are about to change.  Just wait and see....

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Cooking To Keep Warm

It's officially winter in the metroplex!  I personally am not a fan of the cold which is the biggest reason I have never even considered moving up north.  Weather like "Icepocalypse 2013" as its quickly becoming known in these parts makes me even more thankful that I don't have to deal with this kind of cold too often. 

 

This is a shot of my front yard.  We really should have raked those leaves before this storm came through.  L is really not looking forward to the thaw. 

I got brave and made it to the corner of the house.  I only almost fell twice. ;)  As I'm taking these pictures a few idiots go speeding down the street.  Some people really do not have any consideration for themselves or others.

The kids begged me to go outside and play in the snow.  I tried to explain to them that this is not snow but ice and they weren't having it.  This is them "proving" that we have snow.  Gotta give them credit for persistence. ;) 

******

Anyone who knows me personally knows I hate cooking.  I've never liked it.  I will make every excuse in the book not to cook.  Lately for some reason I've been in the mood to cook.  I think my biggest motivation is when my house is frigid and the only source of warmth comes from the stove. 

I have fallen in love with SkinnyTaste!  Her recipes always look so amazing and I am always adding them to my Pepperplate app on my iPad Air.  I stalk follow her on Instagram and Twitter and have to say that her posts inspire me and make me want to love cooking.

Since we are "iced in" and I am freezing and craving soup I thought I'd try her Cream of Broccoli Soup.

I wish mine looked as pretty as hers but you know what?  Once you take a bite you forget all about the look and get all wrapped up in the taste.  Y-U-M!!!  

I have the most unhealthy family.  My husband and boys are all about anything that doesn't have a fruit or vegetable in it.  When E came in while I was cooking and asked what I was cooking he heard 'broccoli' and bailed.  Figures.  I told everyone they must take one bite and then make their decision.  Husband and my oldest actually ate it and liked it!  My youngest opted for a pb&j instead.  *sigh* Oh well...I tried.

I am SO thankful to Gina for helping me create something that is healthy AND 3 out of 4 people in my family actually like! It's a snow day miracle! :) 

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How I Became A CPhT and Now A Manager

I don't know if I've mentioned this on here yet but I am a CPhT aka a registered pharmacy technician.  I never dreamed of being a tech but when people ask me how I got into the business I tell them it was a total accident.

It was 1998 and I had just quit working at Blockbuster.  I hated that job so much and wanted my next job to be something of worth.  I had been working since I was 15 and fast food, grocery store cashier, and a clerk at Blockbuster was what made up my resume.  I craved to find my passion with graduation and college looming in the horizon.

My boyfriend at the time was a delivery driver for a local pharmacy after school.  He only had to work until 7 and the pay and tips were decent enough.  By this time I was paying for a lot of my things and I definitely did not like the idea of being unemployed but I refused to get another whatever job.  I wanted to find something important and something that could work with my school schedule.

It was about 6pm one Tuesday night when my phone rings and its Boyfriend.

"Hey, what are you doing?"
"Nothing much"
"Want a job?"
"Are you serious?"
"Yes!  Can you be up at my job in a few minutes?"
"...I guess so...What would I be doing?"
"I have no idea but the owner and one of the girls got into a huge fight and we are super busy.  I need to be out on deliveries so can you come up here and answer phones?"
"Sure.  Give me a few minutes."

I remember driving up there not knowing what to expect and shaking as I got out of my car and approached the pharmacy.  By 7pm that night the owner offered me a job and I accepted.  It was perfect for a girl going to school and the pay was $3.00 more an hour than what I had been making at Blockbuster which was awesome!

Back then you didn't have to be licensed to be a pharmacy technician but over the years many of the laws have changed and in my state you not only have to be licensed through the national board (PTCB) but you also have to be licensed through the state.

I have been licensed, lost my license, and now am once again licensed.  If any of you are ever interested in getting into pharmacy let me give you a piece of advise-NEVER let your license lapse for ANY reason.  Keep it up because if you let it lapse and you try to reapply they make you feel like such a criminal.  Just thought I'd throw that in there. ;)

Let me just add that I have NEVER liked pharmacy.  Ever.  I won't go into all the details as to why that is but I will say one thing...it has saved me financially so many times in my life.  I've done every kind of pharmacy you can think of and now I work at a speciality pharmacy which a few weeks ago I had actually debated on quitting until my boss offered me a management position.  That is one thing that I have never had experience in and another awesome thing I can put on my resume but when I accepted the position I had NO idea how much added work I would be putting into it.

My schedule used to be 8-3 and then it was bumped to 8-5 and these past two weeks because we are short-handed I have been working 8-7 at least.  I am exhausted.  I am blessed to have the weekends off but I am usually so exhausted from the week that I spend the weekends playing catch up on sleep!

I've been released to go back to training but right now my question is when?  How do some of the women do it?  I mean, seriously?  I have young children.  I have a husband.  I have a house, a puppy, a FULL time job...where is there time to train?

That's actually my goal for tonight and tomorrow.  I MUST figure this out.  I've thought about getting up at 5am to train but last week I set my alarm and slept through it every single morning.  I am literally that exhausted.  After I get home its cooking dinner and spending time with my family.  After I put the boys to sleep I can hardly keep my eyes open so I usually go to sleep not too long after them.  Then I get up and do it all over again.  Something has to give but what?

Please if there is any woman out there that is able to do it all can you please help me.  I am sending an S.O.S. out there for real!

Sorry for this post being so long but I haven't posted in awhile so I thought I could get away with a long one. ;)

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One Decent Picture

Let me tell you a little something about the love of my life.  He is the most NON photogenic person I have ever met in my entire life.  Sure we all have our gross pics but there is usually at least one where you go, "Ok, that doesn't look too bad!"  Not my man!  Him and the camera are the furthest from BFF's.  I wouldn't say enemies but L just goofs off WAY too much.

Take for instance this little gem from my moms birthday party in June of this year.

I'll be the first to admit that this isn't the best picture of me either but really L? Really?!  We had only been married a few months too.  Pictures like this seriously make you wonder if you made the right decision! LOL (SO kidding...)  

He purposely tries to sabotage every picture he is in and usually succeeds until my dad snapped this sweet picture at my sisters cowboy-themed birthday party this past Saturday. 

Not bad at all even though he still looks like its hard for him not to make a crazy face.  LOL  I love this man so much!  xoxo

I am still hurting pretty bad but I am getting more up and around which is really helping my sanity.  I feel so sorry for the people that have to be bedridden for long periods of time.  I did push myself a bit going to the party on Saturday and on Sunday L and me celebrated 6 months so we went out for a bit and it wiped me out.  The past few days have been rough and now I think I might be coming down with a cold! Oh joy!  

I'm keeping myself busy with a new Bible study, my new Everest app, and doing little things here and there around the house.  It's still nowhere where I want it to be but every little bit helps right?

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Surgery & Recovery

The Surgery

My mother-in-law flew in Thursday to be with L and me and I am so thankful that she was here.  Thursday night I spent the evening with my wonderful mom buying me comfy pj's and then stopping at my sisters house to meet her newest addition to the family, their new puppy, Sheldon.  I am so glad my mom dragged me out because it didn't give me any time to worry about the surgery, which up until this time I had been doing.  

I got a few hours of sleep and at 4:45am I was in the shower.  My mind was surprisingly calm the entire morning.  We got to the hospital at 5:30am and I was prepped and ready to roll by 6am.  In the back of my mind I was sort of hoping my pregnancy test would come back positive and I could put off this surgery but it came back negative and at 7:00am it was go time.  

I told the anesthesiologist my fears about being put under and how the two times I had been under they had a hard time getting me to wake up.  He was the chief anesthesiologist and assured me that I was going to be fine.  I stayed calm as they wheeled me back to the room and only remember the room being very white and very cold.  

I don't really even remember dropping off but when I woke there was no one around.  I tried to call out but my throat burned so all that came out was a gurgled moan.  The nurse rushed over and announced, "She's awake!"  By her tone I could tell it had taken awhile for me to come out of anesthesia.  I later found out it took four hours for me to come out and even the doctor was becoming quite concerned and had tried several things to get me awake and praise the Lord the last thing worked.  L was a wreck by the time they let him come back to see me.  I could tell by his face that he had been worried.  His eyes were teary and he kissed my forehead.  It was a sweet moment.

Recovery

I was released that afternoon about 2pm and that whole afternoon is a pain pill haze.  Thank goodness my doctor gave me the good stuff because I don't think I could've made that car ride home without a little help. 

Let me just say that I have been in pain for years.  I've learned to deal with it as best as I can so I can say that my pain tolerance is pretty high but good gosh does this hurt!

I've had several visitors and my mom gave me a beautiful card and an angel playing the flute (I used to play once upon a time.  Still love that instrument!) which makes me smile every time I look at it.  We have one of those beds that is adjustable and also vibrates and that has been a God send!  I raise it when I need to eat and can raise or lower it when I get uncomfortable. 

I had my one week check up on Thursday afternoon and the doc said I am healing nicely and walking better than most post-surgery patients.  What he doesn't know was I was pushing myself hard core and cried when I got in the car so full recovery is still a ways away.

Emotionally I still haven't dealt with everything.  I did have a full hysterectomy so I was put on hormones which L is thankful for because the hot flashes and mood swings are in full force.  We will most likely have to adjust my dosage but at this point something is better than nothing.

I will say that I am SO envious of everyone that can still work out.  I will not be able to again until mid-November which seems like forever away.  My eating has been awful with people coming over with fast food to help me out and the scale said I have gained 5lbs since I stopped exercising.  :(  I do feel very discouraged and bawled to L yesterday that I feel like such a failure but I know this is all happening for a reason.  I won't be able to finish the Flavialicious challenge which is a major bummer but I'm sure she will have another one and by that time I will be ready and nothing will stop me!

Until then I rest which surprisingly is one of the hardest things to do. ;) 

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Ups and Downs

Yes, I've been MIA.

There is no excuse other than busyness and life.

I entered The Best of Flavilicious Workouts Challenge in August and its going pretty well.  I am learning that the biggest key in doing a challenge is the life challenges.  Work has really picked up and since school started I've been getting off at 3 to pick up my boys.  I love that I am getting more time with my kids but the extra time is usually spent fighting the boys on homework.  My oldest is learning that 3rd grade is no joke and homework is a nightly thing!  I'm working on a schedule right now that will hopefully help keep a focus on time and help us all be able to get done what we need to get done.

I love that the Flavilicious challenge tells you what your workout is going to be.  Having that already mapped out is a huge help.  I've put the entire schedule in my calendar so all I have to do is pull up my day and see what I am going to be doing.  Now if I could get a good after school schedule going I will be set!

Another awesome thing about this challenge is it also focuses on your eating.  I've always had a problem with food and with this challenge I am learning SO much!  Right now my main goal is having two servings of vegetables with every snack/meal.  It sounds so easy but its harder than what you think especially when you're only used to getting 1-2 servings of veggies per day.

The Best of Flavalicious Workouts Challenge has been my up lately.

Now my down....

I have my hysterectomy scheduled for October 4th which is right at the halfway point of the challenge so I probably won't be able to finish the fitness part of the challenge.  My plan is to really focus on my clean eats while I'm down and really start to build that habit.

Emotionally I am trying to handle things as best as possible but I'm not going to lie...it's hard.  I really did want another baby but I know that the Lord has a plan for me that gives me hope and a future and I take comfort in that.

I have a little over two weeks until the surgery so until then I am trying to push past the pain and do what I can do.  I know getting fitter will help my recovery time so I am trying to stay as focused as possible.  This weekend has been spent on the couch but I am about to try to fit in a workout and get myself up.

I will try not to make it too long next time.  I need a place to vent and this is a great place to keep me focused on what I need to be focused on. ;)

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What Is My Motivation?

Why do I want to lose weight?  Why do I want to get in shape?  What is the real reason I want a "perfect" body? 

These are tough questions and frankly I am not sure how to answer them.  I think the answers are buried deep down in my subconscious.

For as long as I can remember my weight has been an issue.  I can remember it fluctuating in junior high when your relationship with your body goes into an awkward phase and me being ashamed of the pudge that would hang over my jeans. 

When I went into high school and summer marching band practice the triple-digit Texas heat made my appetite plummet.  I didn't think much of it and drank water instead of eating.  The next thing I know Mom is crying because I had taken my shirt off to change and she could see my ribs. I was 5'6 and weighed 95lbs.  Without really knowing it I had become anorexic.  I promised Mom I would never starve myself again and instead started eating junk and my weight fluctuated all through high school.

College I was a dancer and was finally in shape and at a healthy weight and looking great until I get into yet another dramatic relationship that sends my weight diving again.  I break off the drama, move back home, vow singleness, got involved in church, and became happy again.  With the happiness came the weight again.  Then it was Todd and the boys and my weight reached its highest peak at 184lbs.  I lost all of that when I went through the separation/divorce and when I met Louie I was 128lbs but I was 'skinny fat'. 

Looking back on my life I have never been fit before.  I don't know if its my fear holding me back or what but even when I was small I wasn't fit.  I am ready to be fit.  I am ready to look in the mirror and see a hard body.  Why?  Because I want to prove to myself that this time I CAN do it!

I also need to realize that my body will never be 'perfect' in my eyes.  There will always be things I do not like about myself but that is part of living in a flawed world.  I really need to work more on my self-esteem and see myself for how Christ sees me.  I am beautiful in His eyes. I am His amazing creation and it is my responsibility to take the best care of myself possible.

I have a lot to think about as far as what my motivation is but this is a good start. :)

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If I Told You My Story...

I was always the girl that wanted to do life on her own terms.  Anything anyone ever told me I usually did the opposite.  I've never liked being told what to do.  The one time I should've listened to everyone I didn't.  I ended up on a long, painful journey that almost destroyed me and put me into one of the darkest times of my life.

Prior to 2010, I was a completely different person leading a completely different life.  Maybe one day I will tell my beginning and maybe not.  The past is what it is: in the past and I for one would like to leave it there.  Some of my past is wonderful and I'm sure as time passes I will revisit those tidbits but a lot of it is very painful and there are many things I wish I could forget.

There are two significant milestones prior to 2010 that are worth noting that happened in March 2005 and July 2006.  These months are when God blessed me with my two little miracles, E and DJ.

What is significant is I was always told that I couldn't have children.  From an early age,  I have struggled with "women issues" and was told early on that if I did want to conceive that it would most likely be a painful process.  To spare myself the heartache, I told everyone that I didn't want kids when deep down inside that's all I wanted.  I always wanted to be a mom.  There is not a day that goes by that I do not thank God for these two little miracles.  Motherhood is by far the hardest challenge I've ever had to endure but I wouldn't trade my boys for anything in the world.

Love has also been something that has been a lifelong struggle for me.  By 2010 I had convinced myself that I did not know how to love and would never find someone to share my life with.  I settled into the life of a single mother and had no idea that I was about to meet my soulmate.

In October 2010 while sitting on a friends couch a man walked through the door and into my life.  I didn't know it at the time but I had just met the man I was going to marry.  We quickly became best friends and I found myself falling in love when that was the last thing that I wanted.  I didn't know how to love and I refused to break another heart so for months I fought my feelings.

In April 2011 I finally admitted to my best friend that I loved him and he said that he felt the same way.  I couldn't believe it!  It was so easy!  It wasn't something that was planned.  It wasn't something I tried to force.  It just happened!  It was perfect and it was all God's doing.

Two years later on April 20, 2013, I married my soulmate, my best friend, the man who makes me want to be a better woman.  My L.

Since L came into my life he has given me a passion for believing that with faith and God all things are possible.  He has helped me realize how wrong my thoughts have been up to this point and all the lies I had believed.  He has helped me realize that I have never truly found who I am.  I've always been one of those people pleasers who put aside their own thoughts and passions to make others happy and somewhere along the way I lost who I was.

I started this blog to document my journey to finding who Christi really is.  I want to go deeper in my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.  I want to be a better wife and mother.  I want to lose weight for good and maybe even find my way in the fitness/nutrition world.  I want to find my passions whatever they may be.  Who knows where this crazy road will take me!

All I know right now is I am glad you're here with me for the ride. :)  Before I did everything my way and I failed miserably.  This time I am doing it all God's way and it is only by grace that I am here.

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