What Is My Motivation?

Why do I want to lose weight?  Why do I want to get in shape?  What is the real reason I want a "perfect" body? 

These are tough questions and frankly I am not sure how to answer them.  I think the answers are buried deep down in my subconscious.

For as long as I can remember my weight has been an issue.  I can remember it fluctuating in junior high when your relationship with your body goes into an awkward phase and me being ashamed of the pudge that would hang over my jeans. 

When I went into high school and summer marching band practice the triple-digit Texas heat made my appetite plummet.  I didn't think much of it and drank water instead of eating.  The next thing I know Mom is crying because I had taken my shirt off to change and she could see my ribs. I was 5'6 and weighed 95lbs.  Without really knowing it I had become anorexic.  I promised Mom I would never starve myself again and instead started eating junk and my weight fluctuated all through high school.

College I was a dancer and was finally in shape and at a healthy weight and looking great until I get into yet another dramatic relationship that sends my weight diving again.  I break off the drama, move back home, vow singleness, got involved in church, and became happy again.  With the happiness came the weight again.  Then it was Todd and the boys and my weight reached its highest peak at 184lbs.  I lost all of that when I went through the separation/divorce and when I met Louie I was 128lbs but I was 'skinny fat'. 

Looking back on my life I have never been fit before.  I don't know if its my fear holding me back or what but even when I was small I wasn't fit.  I am ready to be fit.  I am ready to look in the mirror and see a hard body.  Why?  Because I want to prove to myself that this time I CAN do it!

I also need to realize that my body will never be 'perfect' in my eyes.  There will always be things I do not like about myself but that is part of living in a flawed world.  I really need to work more on my self-esteem and see myself for how Christ sees me.  I am beautiful in His eyes. I am His amazing creation and it is my responsibility to take the best care of myself possible.

I have a lot to think about as far as what my motivation is but this is a good start. :)