Where My Strength Comes From

I think I've finally hit my ENOUGH point.  In less than a month it will be a year since my hysterectomy.  I still haven't truly came to grips with it to be honest with you.  I can't have children.  How can you let go of something that you wanted for so long and so bad?  What's really hard is congratulating all my friends that are pregnant or having babies right now (which are quite a few at the moment).  I smile on the outside and am genuinely happy for them but at the same time I die on the inside and once I get alone I bawl my eyes out.  I'm waiting for the day for it to stop hurting but it doesn't look like its going to happen anytime soon.

Since I can't change that situation I have decided to change my focus.  I long for God to truly be #1 in my life.  I also long to get rid of all this weight that I've gained post-hysterectomy.  The doctor said it would be about a year for my body to finally calm down and here we are going on a year so its time.  It's time for me to stop making excuses and feeling sorry for myself!  I have two beautiful, healthy boys and I need the energy to keep up with them!

How?  How can I start?  I am the biggest I've ever been in my life.  It hurts to move half the time.  How am I going to have the strength to start again and this time lose the weight for good and for the right reasons?

Jesus is the ONLY way this is going to work.  My last weight loss was due to divorce and a traumatic time in my life.  It wasn't because I worked for it.  I think in the back of my mind I wonder if I really can do this and that's something I've realized these past few days.  I can't do it.  I've tried so many times and failed.  It is going to take a supernatural push to get me to let go of this weight and to see myself for the beautiful creature God created me to be.  It's more than just weight loss.  It's about me finally letting go of a negative self image.  It's about me not relying on what other people think of me but what God thinks of me.

Tonight I got out my weights and did a 30 minute leg workout in my living room with the boys.  It felt good to get up and move.  I didn't go too crazy but it's a baby step and I am proud of myself.  After my workout I closed my eyes and praised God.  I am thankful that I have the ability to do what I did.  Not everyone has that gift.

I am going to hold onto Philippines 4:13 and constantly remind myself that I CAN and WILL do this because it's not on my strength this time but His and His alone.  Hallelujah!

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August 2014

I knew that August was going to be a crazy month but I had no idea it would be so non-stop!  Today is the first day in weeks that I've actually been able to sit down and write about everything!  So here is August 2014 for yours truly.

I've Recommitted

August started out pretty awesome.  We had been going to a new church the last few weeks of July and L and I both felt the Lord prompting us to go to a class that the church offers the beginning of the month which goes more into what the church is all about to see if it really was a good fit for us and our family.

After the class we went to the 11:30 church service and when they did the alter call we walked down to join the church.  They sat us down and asked if we had ever been baptized.  I was when I was 16 when I first got saved but I think I was more scared into it than it being my choice and that's exactly what I told the counselor.  I also found out that L had never been baptized.  They asked us if we wanted to right then and after a prayer we said yes.  On August 3, 2014 with my husband I was baptized and recommitted myself to the Lord.  It was such an amazing day and one that I will never forget.

The Recital

August 9th was the recital.  I'm not sure if I mentioned it on here or not but I am a singer and flutist.  I come from a super musical family and around this time last year my dad decided to start a little band with my uncle, my stepsister, and my cousins son who was just learning how to play the guitar.  Since they've never played in front of anyone before we had a "recital" where they could all perform and a lot of my family members joined in, myself included and my boys actually.  We dressed up in costumes and my oldest was Paul Stanley from Kiss.

This is E and me doing our best Gene Simmons impersonations.  Not bad, huh?  All in all it was a wonderful night of family, friends, and music.  We are already considering doing another show next year so maybe by then I won't be too embarrassed to post my singing on here. ;)

Are You Ready For Some Football?!

Flag football to be exact! :)

The church has a wonderful children's ministry and when the boys saw that they had sign ups for flag football they begged us to let them join.  My boys have never played sports on a team before mainly because I wanted them to choose and not me choose for them and they chose flag football.  Practices started a few weeks ago and they both seem to like it but you can tell they're newbies for real! E (the one in the white shirt and black shorts) is actually doing better.  His last practice on Thursday he was catching the ball and running it nicely.  D on the other hand has a hard time but I think his team is more doing it for fun.  I don't see D playing again next season but E?  Maybe.

First Day of School

This year we decided to move the boys to the school in our district.  The past few years I kept them in the district where there dads house is but last year was rough and when I looked more into it the school in our neighborhood is one of the best schools in our entire school district so their dad and me agreed we needed to move them.

They both were so nervous.  They had to leave all their friends and normalcy.  I totally get it.  They've never been able to walk to school before and we live close enough so we all walked together on the first day of school.  Every year I take a picture of them in their seats on the first day of school.  Here's my 3rd grader...

 and here is my 4th grader and my last picture of my E in elementary school. *sniffle*

You two need to stop growing up so fast for real!!  We were so tired and sweaty from walking that I didn't get a chance to give them much of a pep talk except to say that this year is going to be different and you make it what it will be.  I dropped E off last because I know how awful last year was for him and I wanted to stay with him as long as possible.  I did manage to snap one more shot out the door that just broke my heart.

I worried about this kid all day long and was so relieved when I picked them up at the after school care and they both said they had a wonderful day.  Thank goodness!!

This whole week they were both great!  I think the new school was a wonderful choice and I'm so excited to see how this school year is for both the boys.

So what now?

Since we are back to school and I have to pick up the boys from after school care by 6 and have them at football practice two nights a week I have cut my hours down to normal hours (8-5).  My afternoon commute has me at the boys school almost right at 6 which puts some stress on me BUT at least now I get to be home with my family.

Flavia has another challenge starting next weekend and I think I'm ready to join it.  It'll be a year in October since my surgery and I think I'm to the point now where I need to get more focused on me.  Sure life is insane and I'm more exhausted this week than I've been in a LONG time but I need this for me.  Plus if I can actually win and get some cash that would be amazing!!  Maybe then I could finally get the flooring for my home gym.  Eek!!

I have also joined an accountability group to help me get my eating under control and I'm going to the doctor on Wednesday to talk about my hormones and weight loss.  Maybe they can help me get off this weight gaining/losing roller coaster I've been on for so long.

So that's my August 2014.  Now to get ready for a football filled September and lots of pics!!! :)

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Let's DO This! Goal Setting Sunday

Here I am today and here are the few stats I am comfortable to share right now. ;) 

Weight: 186lbs
Height: 5'7
Feeling: Like I am ready to get over the crud and get some of this fat off my body!!

Faith

I have been struggling with finding the time for a real Bible study.  I think the craziness of summer just makes it all harder so I am going to put that on hold for a few weeks.  I cannot believe school will be starting in less than a month! 

• Audio Bible in a Year in the morning
• Personal devotional at lunch
• Nightly devotional/prayer time with the family

Fitness

My MIL and me are still going for three mornings this week so that is happening.  She has been doing cardio but I am going to start back on my Full-Body-Licious.  Flavia inspires me on a daily basis and I've seen how awesome she's done since she had her daughter and I know if she can do it so can I! 

• Full-Body-Licious three mornings before work
• 3 15-minute cardio sessions either on the elliptical or treadmill
• Dance time with the boys at least once this week

Food

Right now my supplements have been the only consistent thing in my journey to health.  I've been faithfully taking Advocare since MIL came to visit us in June and got me back on track.  Before the crud I was starting to feel better so I'm going to continue with my Spark and MNS3.

As far as meal planning I am still struggling with this one majorly so I am going to break this goal up into smaller goals and hopefully in the next month or two I will be a meal planning fool!  

• Eat every 2-3 hours
• Eat one veggie at every meal/snack
• Start working on food categories in Evernote

I hope and pray that this week I can stay focused on my goals.  My problem is I will write them all out and then the busyness of the week engulfs me and I forget until next week.  I really do not want that to happen.  I hope to keep this blog going all through my journey and one day have reached the changes I so long to see in myself and I will have my journey documented.  How amazing will that be??

"What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see." -Hebrews 11:1

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Do I Need Motivation or Just To Get Out Of My Own Head???

Seriously.  I've been sick with the crud for over a week and its getting old real quick.  I had a plan all ready to go too.  L told me that he would get me a trainer when I hit 140lbs.  I weighed this morning and I'm 186.  Blah!  I've NEVER seen that number on my scale before.  Ever.  

First I teared up.  I get super emotional when I'm sick and I'm already emotional going through menopause so you can imagine the mess I was.  Then I got pissed.  Even though I feel helpless to lose weight I'm not!  Why am I feeling sorry for myself?  That's not going to help get this weight off me.  DOING something is going to get this weight off.

Every time I've started something new I go full boar.  All in.  Holding nothing back.  I'm like that for a short period of time and then I fizzle.  I usually end up getting sick (like I did this time), lose my mojo, and then I'm back to feeling sorry for myself.  I told L earlier that I want this time to be different.  I want to get out of my head.

I never realized just how self-sabotaging I am!  AND I over-think EVERYTHING!  What's sad is I can't stop!  It's like crack with me or something.  I have a very negative self image.  Very negative.  Drives L nuts and truth be told it is one thing about myself that I hate but how do you change something that is so ingrained in you?

That's right!  I am going to hold onto God's truth and love for me and pray that I "fake it" until I become that confident person that truly does love who she is.  I am also going to JUST DO IT. and by IT I mean start my program all over again and KNOW that this time is going to be different.  Who gives a flying frisbee if I have to start all over again!  The point is that I am going to do it!

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Moving Mountains

I had a totally different blog post all planned out for today but L just texted me a Bible verse and it has me in tears so change of plans.

Since my hysterectomy I have been struggling.  Every day I feel like there is a battle raging inside me.  There is the life that I want to live and there is the life that I am currently living.  Not to say that my life is bad.  On the contrary, I feel so blessed to have the life that I have.  It's just my heart  hurts.  I feel like there is a longing that hasn't been fulfilled yet and I can't quite put my finger on what it is.  

I know I haven't truly dealt with the fact that I can't have more children and with my youngest turning 8 this week its brought up happiness that my baby is growing up to be such a wonderful little boy but it also brought up that hurt. My baby is 8.  I will never have any more kids.  It just all hurts.  It also doesn't help the fact that a lot of my friends are having babies or trying to get pregnant and posting all over social media about it.  I am happy that my friends are having babies but it makes that pain grow.  My dream is dead.  Just saying that makes tears well up in my eyes.  My dream of having a house full of little treasures is not going to happen.  My dream of having a little girl that will be a life long friend is no more and I have to accept that and move on to a new dream.

Nicole Wilkins IFBB Pro Figure

I haven't told very many people this but I want to compete in a figure competition.  I've wanted to for a few years now and before the surgery I was on a good track.  Then the full hysterectomy happened and now 9 months later I am 182lbs which ironically is what I was after I had my youngest child.  I am literally starting over. 

Luckily I am a Christian and hope is not lost!  I find when I am down when I go to God's Word there is always something there that humbles me and gives me the strength I need.  Today that verse is Mark 11:22-25

"Then Jesus said to the disciples, “Have faith in God. I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, ‘May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart. I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you’ve received it, it will be yours. But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.”

This really spoke to me this morning.  I haven't believed I will ever get over the pain of not having a little girl.  I haven't believed I would be a real figure competitor.  Not only have I not really believed but I haven't asked either.  Grieving and moving on is a mountain in my life as is going from 182lbs to being a figure competitor but I truly believe that just like God can move a mountain he can mend my heart and give me that desire that I have been craving.  So for now I pray, trust, and hope.  :)

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My Pickle Is 8!

This is my beautiful baby boy who is not so much of a baby anymore!  I cannot believe that he is eight years old!  It seems unreal to me.

D's birthday is always hard for me but this year it is especially hard.  I will never have any more children.  I know this fact but when your last child turns 8 it really hits home and it hurts so bad.

I have so many friends that are either trying to get pregnant, already pregnant, or just had babies so when I log onto Facebook that is all I see.  I then remember why I took the hiatus from social media that I did.  I am happy for my friends but it still hurts that my dream of a big family has died.  No one really knows or even understands how deep this cut is with the exception of those that have either been in my situation or could never have children at all.  For those women my heart goes out to you.  I am very thankful that God blessed me with the two amazing little boys that I have.

I love this little boy more than words can say and I will always treasure the fact that he is and forever will be my baby.  Happy birthday Pickle!!

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Accountability

I have the best mother-in-law in the world.  I love this woman SO much!  She is a huge inspiration to me and I feel so blessed to have her in my life.  I hear all these horror stories about crazy mother-in-laws but I was lucky enough to get one of the good ones.  She is not only family but quickly becoming one of my best friends even though she lives over 8 hours away from me.  She has breast cancer for the second time and seeing what all she has been through and is going through with such grace and faith is so inspiring.  I want to be her when I grow up. :)

Me and my mother-in-law getting ready for the wedding.
Not the best picture but its the first one of just the two of us and I
will always treasure it. :)

She found out she had cancer a few months after my hysterectomy.  Up to that point we both had been losing weight and feeling awesome.  As you all know my hysterectomy has made me gain almost 40lbs and the chemo has made her gain quite a bit as well.

Her and my niece came to stay with us a few weeks at the beginning of the summer and we talked a lot about how we are ready to change but how life can get in the way.  We talked about how our faith is growing and wanting the Lords will for our lives.  I cried when they left.  It was so great to have someone so positive around the house.  It was refreshing to have a different perspective on things.  It was amazing to watch someone that is dealing with cancer have so much zest for life even after getting a raw deal.

We have been calling and texting a lot more since they left so I wasn't very surprised when she texted me early last week.  What she said to me stuck with me that entire day...

Are you ready to be held accountable?

During our many lengthly discussions we had talked a lot about me being scared.  How I have lived so much of my life in fear.  How I have let that fear stop me from doing so many amazing things in my life and how that fear had fueled a lot of very bad decisions.  I told her I am tired of fear and I am ready to step out in faith.  I am ready to not be afraid of failing.  Knowing my mother-in-law is there watching what I do on MyFitnessPal and when she calls me at 5:30am to get up and work out is a big time motivator.

Pinterest

We are starting out slow.  Last week it was two mornings and this week our goal is three mornings at least 20 minutes and tracking our food.  We both bombed this weekend which I think is so funny but we are both back on track today.  It really makes a difference knowing you have someone that not only has your back but is on this journey with you.

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Struggling & A Hope For True Freedom

I have always struggled with finishing things.  I will start something and be all excited and passionate and then over time it fizzles out.  I cannot begin to count the many endeavors that I have started and stated with conviction, "This time will be different!" only for it to fizzle out like every other time.  I was talking to L about this a few days ago and something that he said really stuck with me.

"How can you expect to finish something successfully if you do not start the right way."

Haven't I started everything right?  I couldn't shake this statement and the more I thought about it the more I realized I haven't.  I have always done everything backwards.  I had my kids before I got married.  I married the wrong man before I married the right man.  Usually when people tell me to do something I do the total opposite.  I've done it my whole life but that doesn't make it right.

Everyone knows the definition of insanity and I have to say that up to this point that has been my life because I do keep trying to do the same things over and over and expect different results.  Nine months ago I had to do something that I am still struggling with.  I had to have a full hysterectomy.  I had to let go of my dream of having more kids and a big family.  Even 9 months later it still hurts so bad and I wonder if I'll ever get over it.  I've spent the past 9 months feeling sorry for myself.  I've fought depression along with the hot flashes and horrible mood swings.

I've gained so much weight and have been so ashamed of myself.  I think I've allowed myself to get this way again to hide and truth be told I am tired of hiding.  I was on a great path there for awhile and I let this "change" get the best of me.  I had my well-woman visit yesterday and my doctor is upping my hormones and told me to get back on Advocare and take everything moment by moment.

I've always been an all or nothing kind of gal but this time I am taking the docs advice.  I am going to take it slowly.  I've started a 24 Day Challenge and am already starting to feel better.  Last week I even worked out twice!  It might have only been for 15 minutes each time on the elliptical but its something!

With the death of my dream of more kids comes the birth of another dream which I will tell more about later.  Right now, on this Independence Day, I am praying for freedom from this depressive bondage.  God did not put me on this earth to hide but to shine and "be a light" and starting today I am going to let my little light shine.

Happy 4th of July! God bless America!!

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Where Did March Go?

This month has been pure insanity!  Here's a little update:

50 hours minimum of each week is devoted to work

Our business has exploded and to keep up with the pace my boss has asked me (Ms. Manager) to help pick up some of the slack.  I do like my job and we could definitely use the money so for the time being I am doing it.

What's been hard is balancing work with my home life.  I honestly feel like I am working two jobs which leaves little room for anything else.  Add kids and what little family time I get and you have one exhausted woman.  I never get any time to myself!

I am officially back to 175lbs 

I haven't been since post-baby.  I blame the crazy hours and hardly eating.  It's awful.  I'm using work and busyness to justify me not eating.  I nibble on a few things at work and when I get home I eat pretty much whatever I want which is rarely healthy.  Then I go to bed and do it all over again.  It's horrible and I know something has to give but right now I feel like I'm on one of those little hamster wheels and I can't seem to get off.

My husband buys me an elliptical

When I first lost my baby weight the elliptical is what sparked my change and I think he was hoping it would again.  So far no go even though it is in my living room starring at me every single day.  I've gotten on a few times but my thighs have gotten so big (where I hold the majority of my weight) that my knees and feet ache something fierce.  No bueno.

My oldest turns 9 years old  

We celebrated by going bowling and the pictures from his party are a huge wakeup call for me.

(L would kill me if he knew I was posting this. LOL)  Look at me!  I know I had a major surgery a few months ago and my hormones are still trying to balance and I should be easier on myself but I just can't.  I worked so hard to lose weight the first time and now here I am back where I started.  It's disheartening to say the least. 

April is MY month

April 20th is our one year anniversary and I was hoping to be back to my weight and instead I am 25+ pounds heavier than I was a year ago.  This gets me fired up!!  Something has to give and though I am not sure exactly what the plan is yet I know that things are about to change.  Just wait and see....

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Where Are My Eyes?

It's been a LONG month that has went by surprisingly fast!  I've work so much overtime I feel like I've lost touch with reality.  My life has been work, eat, sleep, repeat.  It's sad really but I know it is only for a season.  My boss offered me Friday afternoons off which would really help get things done and give me some alone time!  I forgot what alone time even feels like!  Thus is the life of a wife, mom, and worker that is pretty much working two jobs right now.

Through this time of hardship I have been listening to a podcast every morning on my way to work called Revive Our Hearts.  I have listened to it off and on over the years but lately its been the only alone time I get and every morning after I drop off the boys I turn it on.  I look forward to it every day.

Wednesday was Ash Wednesday and began the Lent season.  I thought about giving something up for Lent like sugar (which I'm crazy addicted to right now) or something like that but God put something else on my heart as I listened to the ROH podcasts last week.

For Lent I am taking the focus off myself and focusing on Jesus

As a Christian I am called to serve others and be selfless.  Since I have been hastily trying to lose the 65lbs I need to lose and working all the crazy overtime at work I've been so focused on me.  Over the past week I've tried to listen to how much I say "I" "me" or "my/mine" and I realized just how far I've fallen and how negative I've become!

I told myself that I wouldn't be that kind of person and over time I've become the opposite of what I want to be.  I said almost a year ago that I was determined to change and that determination is still there but I think I started in the wrong place.

I've always thought that losing weight was finding the right foods to eat, the right workout to do, the right gym for you, how much sleep to get, and all those things are valid but why are there so many of us out there that are on the weight loss roller coaster and can't seem to make an exit?  I believe its because we are all starting in the wrong place.  Sure cutting cokes and drinking water instead is going to affect your body but if you don't find out why you choose a coke over water then how are you ever going to truly experience the freedom of weight loss?

My body image has always been distorted and in this season my prayer is that I can see myself as Jesus and my husband sees me. Beautiful.  They don't see my weight gain.  They don't think I'm ugly or useless.  They see my real worth and that is something I long to see in myself and I know deep down I won't find it when I lose a few pounds.  I'm going to find it when I stop focusing on me.

You don't realize how much what you focus on affects you.  It does matter what you read or watch on television.  Everything your eyes see gets internalized and becomes apart of you.  My eyes have been on trash but now I am going to re-focus and gaze upon Jesus.

Nancy on Revive Our Hearts is doing a series during Lent about the different names of Jesus.  It is SO cool!  Head over to her website and check it out.  What better way for me to focus on my Lord than to learn some of His names??

My prayer for this March is that my mind is renewed and I grow closer to the Lord.  I pray that we can find a better balance at work so I can get my life and my focus back!

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Just My Thoughts Thursday

I want to get better about posting on here so I thought I might have a weekly thing and the first thing that popped into my mind was JUST MY THOUGHTS THURSDAY!!

I am a dreamer and I am always catching my mind going to the craziest things.  Today it snowed and actually stuck around for awhile and for the south that is a rarity.  As I'm driving to work this morning my heart is filled with sadness.  I have been struggling the past few weeks with discontentment in my life and as the snow flurries are cascading across my windshield the thoughts are flurrying in my mind.  So, here are my random thoughts for today...

Why am I working so hard?  What am I trying to accomplish?  

I know that we are trying to get out of debt but I feel like I am missing out on so much working 50+ hours a week.  I started the Flavia challenge and haven't worked out since the beginning.  How am I supposed to win this thing if I can't even work out!  I have been trying to focus more on my food but I've been stressed and when I stress all I want is chocolate.  It sucks and its sad but its the truth and I just want to be real.

Yesterday I hit the highest I've been in 7 years: 173lbs  I cannot believe I've let myself get back here.  I get up in the morning and rush to get ready to get out the door.  I work with only one break through the day and am off and home 12-14 hours later and only have enough time to get a quick (usually un-healthy) bite to eat, get my kiddos showered and in bed, and then I pass out and do it all over again.  The weekends I've been so overworked that I sleep most of the time and spend the rest of the time doing dishes, laundry, and everything I neglected during the week.

I can't keep living like this.  Something has to give.  I've tried talking to my boss but the words fall on deaf ears.  I think its time to really put more thought into my thoughts and figure out why I am working so hard.  Is it really worth it?  It's not like my job is even my passion.  It's so not.  It's a paycheck.  That's all.

Photo Credit

Those are just a few of my thoughts this week.  It also doesn't help that I've been sick all week and am extremely emotional.  Maybe when I'm feeling better I can find a better balance but as I see things I am working way too much and neglecting everything that is important to me and something definitely needs to change.

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Time To Think & Another Flavia Challenge!

I'm not sure if its the flu or what but I have been sick since this weekend.  Went into work on Monday and barely lasted the day.  I came home, crawled into bed, and have been there ever since.  I can't miss anymore work so I am up right now and "thinking" myself well. So far its not working too well but I seriously cannot afford to be sick.

I don't know about you guys but when I am sick I think...a lot.  I remember getting super sick April 2009.  I cried on the couch because I was so fed up with feeling sick and being 50+ pounds overweight.  I got my laptop and searched "free weight loss programs" and SparkPeople popped up.  I joined immediately and never looked back.  By July 2010 I hit my goal and was 130lbs.  It was such an incredible feeling but I did not lose the weight the way you would think.  I went through a horrible "life change" and pretty much starved myself thin.  I wasn't fit at all.  I was skinny fat.

Over the next year I would turn my life around and with my happiness came the weight gain.  I quickly got on a plan to lose the 20 "happy" pounds I'd gained and was starting to lose when I had to stop for my surgery.  That was August 2013.  Since then I've gained 30 more pounds and hit 171 last week.  My "fat" pants are tight and I refuse to go shopping.  My first New Years Resolution is to get back to the 130's and today I am starting my journey to that goal.

My girl Flavia is doing another challenge that started on Monday and I just signed up!

Here are some pics I took last month after my only workout in December.  AND I've gained 6 pounds since then! :(

Taking my measurements earlier was SO hard!  I've stepped on the scale a few times since my surgery but I've never taken measurements.  Man I have gained so much!  My body fat is up 5% and I've gained almost 10 inches all over my body.  It makes me sick but hey-it is what it is right?  I am still recovering from major surgery so I'm not going to be too hard on myself.

As far as eats I am really trying to find quick and easy.  My goal is to get more whole foods into my diet and find healthy, quick, and easy meals that I can make for the family.  This time instead of doing this challenge on my own I am going to include not only my family but the Flavilicious forums.  I can't do this alone.

It's time for action baby!  No excuses!

Photo Credit

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