Struggling & A Hope For True Freedom

I have always struggled with finishing things.  I will start something and be all excited and passionate and then over time it fizzles out.  I cannot begin to count the many endeavors that I have started and stated with conviction, "This time will be different!" only for it to fizzle out like every other time.  I was talking to L about this a few days ago and something that he said really stuck with me.

"How can you expect to finish something successfully if you do not start the right way."

Haven't I started everything right?  I couldn't shake this statement and the more I thought about it the more I realized I haven't.  I have always done everything backwards.  I had my kids before I got married.  I married the wrong man before I married the right man.  Usually when people tell me to do something I do the total opposite.  I've done it my whole life but that doesn't make it right.

Everyone knows the definition of insanity and I have to say that up to this point that has been my life because I do keep trying to do the same things over and over and expect different results.  Nine months ago I had to do something that I am still struggling with.  I had to have a full hysterectomy.  I had to let go of my dream of having more kids and a big family.  Even 9 months later it still hurts so bad and I wonder if I'll ever get over it.  I've spent the past 9 months feeling sorry for myself.  I've fought depression along with the hot flashes and horrible mood swings.

I've gained so much weight and have been so ashamed of myself.  I think I've allowed myself to get this way again to hide and truth be told I am tired of hiding.  I was on a great path there for awhile and I let this "change" get the best of me.  I had my well-woman visit yesterday and my doctor is upping my hormones and told me to get back on Advocare and take everything moment by moment.

I've always been an all or nothing kind of gal but this time I am taking the docs advice.  I am going to take it slowly.  I've started a 24 Day Challenge and am already starting to feel better.  Last week I even worked out twice!  It might have only been for 15 minutes each time on the elliptical but its something!

With the death of my dream of more kids comes the birth of another dream which I will tell more about later.  Right now, on this Independence Day, I am praying for freedom from this depressive bondage.  God did not put me on this earth to hide but to shine and "be a light" and starting today I am going to let my little light shine.

Happy 4th of July! God bless America!!

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