Since my hysterectomy I have been struggling. Every day I feel like there is a battle raging inside me. There is the life that I want to live and there is the life that I am currently living. Not to say that my life is bad. On the contrary, I feel so blessed to have the life that I have. It's just my heart hurts. I feel like there is a longing that hasn't been fulfilled yet and I can't quite put my finger on what it is.
I know I haven't truly dealt with the fact that I can't have more children and with my youngest turning 8 this week its brought up happiness that my baby is growing up to be such a wonderful little boy but it also brought up that hurt. My baby is 8. I will never have any more kids. It just all hurts. It also doesn't help the fact that a lot of my friends are having babies or trying to get pregnant and posting all over social media about it. I am happy that my friends are having babies but it makes that pain grow. My dream is dead. Just saying that makes tears well up in my eyes. My dream of having a house full of little treasures is not going to happen. My dream of having a little girl that will be a life long friend is no more and I have to accept that and move on to a new dream.
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| Nicole Wilkins IFBB Pro Figure |
I haven't told very many people this but I want to compete in a figure competition. I've wanted to for a few years now and before the surgery I was on a good track. Then the full hysterectomy happened and now 9 months later I am 182lbs which ironically is what I was after I had my youngest child. I am literally starting over.
Luckily I am a Christian and hope is not lost! I find when I am down when I go to God's Word there is always something there that humbles me and gives me the strength I need. Today that verse is Mark 11:22-25
"Then Jesus said to the disciples, “Have faith in God. I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, ‘May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart. I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you’ve received it, it will be yours. But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.”
This really spoke to me this morning. I haven't believed I will ever get over the pain of not having a little girl. I haven't believed I would be a real figure competitor. Not only have I not really believed but I haven't asked either. Grieving and moving on is a mountain in my life as is going from 182lbs to being a figure competitor but I truly believe that just like God can move a mountain he can mend my heart and give me that desire that I have been craving. So for now I pray, trust, and hope. :)
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