I think I am finally coming to terms with my "new normal." When I make this statement my mind screams at me. Settling for a new normal admits defeat in my mind, and to be honest with you I am not ready to let go of my old life, even though I know I can never have it back. I know I will live with these tumors and this horrible pain for the rest of my life but I don't want to acknowledge it. I wish I could do something to take them away but I can't. All I can do is try to live my life to the best of my ability and pray for a miracle. Of course this mindset depends on the day too as the rollercoaster of emotions continues. Some days I am accepting of this lot in life and other days I question it all. Some days I am compliant, putting one foot in front of the other, and other days I am throwing a tantrum, kicking and screaming like a toddler who's had their toy taken away.
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Showing posts with label Monday Check-In. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Monday Check-In. Show all posts
My "New Normal"
Depression,
Discouragement,
Just My Thoughts,
Life with Tumors,
Monday Check-In
Monday, April 9, 2018
Valentine Depression
2018,
Depression,
Holidays,
Monday Check-In
Monday, February 19, 2018
This past week has been rough. With the news I received last Monday hitting me like it did it's been hard to fight the depression that was already creeping up inside me. Since I've been sick I've tried to be strong but this blow was so hard that I feel like all of my strength is gone. I don't want to fight anymore.
Louie is not a Valentine's guy. He doesn't feel like you have to have a holiday to show someone that you love them, so normally on February 14th I do not get my hopes up. This year he surprised me with two things that are so cliche but so thoughtful.
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Louie is not a Valentine's guy. He doesn't feel like you have to have a holiday to show someone that you love them, so normally on February 14th I do not get my hopes up. This year he surprised me with two things that are so cliche but so thoughtful.
Speechless
2018,
Discouragement,
Life,
Life with Tumors,
Monday Check-In,
My Past
Monday, February 12, 2018
Today's been a rough day, but not for the reasons that you might expect. I had another neurologist appointment this morning and I've been in tears off and on ever since. I found out something that hit me so hard that I'm speechless which, if you know me, is very hard to do.
I was put on three more medications, one for sleep and two that are prescribed for epileptic patients but should hopefully help with my migraines and the stroke-like symptoms that I am experiencing. The doctor didn't want to talk about my tumors until Louie finally brought it up. He told us that he wasn't concerned with them because he is positive my symptoms all stem from my atypical, acute, and hemiplegic migraines.
Then he said the sentence that rendered me speechless...
"If you were experiencing issues with your tumors you would have pain here," and he put his hand on his lower abdomen on his right side. Louie and me immediately locked eyes and Louie said, "Doctor, Christi has had a pain in that exact spot for seven years. That pain is the reason why she had all those surgeries (my gallbladder removed in 2012, a full hysterectomy in 2013, and an appendectomy in 2015). Every doctor and specialist we've been to never could figure out why she continues to be in pain. She still deals with that pain every day." The look of concern crossed my doctor's face. "I'm sure that pain is due to her tumors," he said. Speechless.
He explained that where my tumors are located is very rare and out of his expertise. He said that once we get my migraines under control then he will refer me to a spinal specialist who can give me my options and all of us can agree on what our next step will be.
As Louie and the doctor continued to talk I blanked out. My whole body had went numb and tears stung my eyes. A rush of memories from the past seven years invaded my mind, everything I've been through, the dreams that I gave up and for what? For nothing? All the emergency room visits and hospital stays, the surgeries that I now find out were unnecessary. It all overwhelmed me but what really got me was the thought of my hysterectomy. I wanted more children more than anything and had sacrificed my dream in hopes that having the surgery would heal me. Now I'm finding out why it didn't work and truly realizing what I gave up for nothing. Louie and me could've had a baby. Tears stream down my face as I type that. It still hurts so bad. It took me years to mourn the loss of not having another child, and I just recently felt like I had moved past it, then it hits me in the face yet again. Will I ever escape the heartache?
I managed to make it to the car and then I lost it. I cried for my lost dreams, for what could have been, and for what's to come. I cried in frustration at what I have been through and wondered how much more I can take. I'm not strong enough to handle all of this!! I thought about what my family has went through and how I've been sick my entire marriage. All the events I've missed in my boys lives because I've been too sick to get out of bed. I'm missing what's left of their childhood! It's not fair!! The only solace I can take away from this appointment is that I finally know where my pain comes from. I can say that I am not crazy and that this pain is not in my head. It's all because of the tumors.
I did go to work today for a few hours for the first time since my hospitalization in November. I was nervous that I would be overwhelmed but it felt so good to get back to some normalcy. I still can't drive but luckily Louie dropped me off and my boss was sweet enough to drop me off at home this afternoon. Everyone was so patient with me and I missed seeing everyone. It wasn't until I was settled and at my desk, working on a report, trying to remember what to do that it hit me: I'm never going to be the same again. Today a switch was hit and my eyes have been opened. It's going to take me awhile to process all of this and I am trying so hard to not do what I normally do: bottle it all up.
I talked to family and talking helped but I still sit here utterly heartbroken. I didn't really want to write this post but I felt like I need to get it out of my head and onto paper, whether I feel like it or not. I know that God has a plan and a reason for all of this but tonight my heart cries why. I know it could be worse and I'm thankful for that. I am a myriad of emotions. I'm a mess.
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I was put on three more medications, one for sleep and two that are prescribed for epileptic patients but should hopefully help with my migraines and the stroke-like symptoms that I am experiencing. The doctor didn't want to talk about my tumors until Louie finally brought it up. He told us that he wasn't concerned with them because he is positive my symptoms all stem from my atypical, acute, and hemiplegic migraines.
Then he said the sentence that rendered me speechless...
"If you were experiencing issues with your tumors you would have pain here," and he put his hand on his lower abdomen on his right side. Louie and me immediately locked eyes and Louie said, "Doctor, Christi has had a pain in that exact spot for seven years. That pain is the reason why she had all those surgeries (my gallbladder removed in 2012, a full hysterectomy in 2013, and an appendectomy in 2015). Every doctor and specialist we've been to never could figure out why she continues to be in pain. She still deals with that pain every day." The look of concern crossed my doctor's face. "I'm sure that pain is due to her tumors," he said. Speechless.
He explained that where my tumors are located is very rare and out of his expertise. He said that once we get my migraines under control then he will refer me to a spinal specialist who can give me my options and all of us can agree on what our next step will be.
As Louie and the doctor continued to talk I blanked out. My whole body had went numb and tears stung my eyes. A rush of memories from the past seven years invaded my mind, everything I've been through, the dreams that I gave up and for what? For nothing? All the emergency room visits and hospital stays, the surgeries that I now find out were unnecessary. It all overwhelmed me but what really got me was the thought of my hysterectomy. I wanted more children more than anything and had sacrificed my dream in hopes that having the surgery would heal me. Now I'm finding out why it didn't work and truly realizing what I gave up for nothing. Louie and me could've had a baby. Tears stream down my face as I type that. It still hurts so bad. It took me years to mourn the loss of not having another child, and I just recently felt like I had moved past it, then it hits me in the face yet again. Will I ever escape the heartache?
I managed to make it to the car and then I lost it. I cried for my lost dreams, for what could have been, and for what's to come. I cried in frustration at what I have been through and wondered how much more I can take. I'm not strong enough to handle all of this!! I thought about what my family has went through and how I've been sick my entire marriage. All the events I've missed in my boys lives because I've been too sick to get out of bed. I'm missing what's left of their childhood! It's not fair!! The only solace I can take away from this appointment is that I finally know where my pain comes from. I can say that I am not crazy and that this pain is not in my head. It's all because of the tumors.
I did go to work today for a few hours for the first time since my hospitalization in November. I was nervous that I would be overwhelmed but it felt so good to get back to some normalcy. I still can't drive but luckily Louie dropped me off and my boss was sweet enough to drop me off at home this afternoon. Everyone was so patient with me and I missed seeing everyone. It wasn't until I was settled and at my desk, working on a report, trying to remember what to do that it hit me: I'm never going to be the same again. Today a switch was hit and my eyes have been opened. It's going to take me awhile to process all of this and I am trying so hard to not do what I normally do: bottle it all up.
I talked to family and talking helped but I still sit here utterly heartbroken. I didn't really want to write this post but I felt like I need to get it out of my head and onto paper, whether I feel like it or not. I know that God has a plan and a reason for all of this but tonight my heart cries why. I know it could be worse and I'm thankful for that. I am a myriad of emotions. I'm a mess.
Random Ramblings
Life with Tumors,
Monday Check-In,
My Boys,
Random,
Schwannomas,
Weight Loss Journey
Monday, January 29, 2018
Eric (my oldest) will be thirteen at the end of March, but if you were to put your ear up to our front door recently you would think that some selfish, uncaring yelling beast were inside. What hurts is that this transformation practically happened overnight. I went into the hospital in November with two sweet little boys and now that I am up and around more, and more aware of my surroundings, I see things so much clearer, and one thing I see is that I have lost one of my sweet, innocent little boys.
Everyone keeps asking me how I'm doing. How do I answer? I'm not good at all. Right now, my biggest issue with this illness is all the life that I feel like I am missing. I lose days due to being in bed, curled up into a ball, crying and praying that the pain will stop. Then there are days like today where I can tolerate the pain better but I still can't fully function. It's frustrating when your mind is screaming at you to do something but your body won't cooperate. I try to focus on the positive, but there are times that I can't focus on anything and instead just wallow in my sorrows.
I had a total meltdown yesterday afternoon. I cried in the shower for almost 30 minutes, just sitting there letting the water wash over me, praying for God's grace to rescue me from this darkness that envelops me. I don't know how how I'm ever going to make it through!
The men in my house don't understand what I'm going through emotionally. They don't understand the tears or the sudden tantrums. They want to fix it but there's nothing to fix. It is what it is and there's nothing any of us can do about it. We all just have to ride the waves and enjoy the good days and press on through the bad ones. With a combination of Eric and me, and what we're both going through right now, I am seeing more bad days than good. Having a teenager in the house is bad enough but then you add a sick and emotionally distraught mom, a diabetic preteen, and a husband who can't fix any of it and you've got a recipe for disaster.
On the days that I can handle it, I get lost in a book. Thank you Jesus for good books!
Books have been my escape my entire life and today is no different than when I was a little girl. A good book soothes my soul and, after the book I have just finished, reminds me that life could be a lot worse!
Keeping up with my book reviews has been what has kept me sane lately though I am learning to adjust how I read. I don't comprehend things the way I used to and so on my bad days, if I feel up to reading, I have to take notes. Otherwise, I truly can't remember what I read. It's so frustrating and I can't read as quickly as I used to, but I am still thankful that I have the eyes to see the words on the page. Not everyone has that choice. My doctor says it's important to keep my brain active and so I fight the frustration and continue to read and write.
I also can't lose weight. No matter what I do I can't lose and am actually gaining. I've hit 225lbs. It's the highest I've ever been in my life. I am so ashamed. I don't want anyone to see me like this! At my next appointment I think I'm going to have them test my thyroid. I've been watching my portions and what I'm eating, been up and mobile more than I have in months, and I'm steadily gaining. It's hard not to beat myself up. I feel ugly and gross. I feel trapped in a body that I can't stand. It's yet another thing I feel like I have absolutely no control over.
Right now, every aspect of my life is hard. I don't write this to get sympathy but to let everyone know where I'm at right now. I told myself I would be real and honest in this journey and I intend to stick by my words. The photo above was taken a few weeks ago when we were on our way to see some friends. I was actually trying to smile and no matter how many pictures I took I kept getting the same face. I try to hide how I'm feeling the majority of the time but the eyes don't lie. I wear my emotions on my face and I hate that. I'd rather hide.
As far as videos, I have made a few but I am embarrassed to post them. Watching myself makes me cringe! Louie told me to get over it and post them but right now I just can't. Maybe one day I will but right now I'm too raw. It's too hard.
My next neurologist appointment is February 12th and I actually get to see the neurologist himself for the first time since my hospital stay. He's had his own family issues and has been out of the office so I've been seeing the nurse practitioner up until now. Hopefully we can get a game plan and I'll have more to report then.
Sorry for all the random rambling today! I'd originally wanted to vent about me having a bratty teenager and then everything else just came out. It feels good to write and get everything out there.
I only have one thing to ask today: please pray for my sanity.
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I hate it. I hate it SO much!!!
I had a total meltdown yesterday afternoon. I cried in the shower for almost 30 minutes, just sitting there letting the water wash over me, praying for God's grace to rescue me from this darkness that envelops me. I don't know how how I'm ever going to make it through!
The men in my house don't understand what I'm going through emotionally. They don't understand the tears or the sudden tantrums. They want to fix it but there's nothing to fix. It is what it is and there's nothing any of us can do about it. We all just have to ride the waves and enjoy the good days and press on through the bad ones. With a combination of Eric and me, and what we're both going through right now, I am seeing more bad days than good. Having a teenager in the house is bad enough but then you add a sick and emotionally distraught mom, a diabetic preteen, and a husband who can't fix any of it and you've got a recipe for disaster.
On the days that I can handle it, I get lost in a book. Thank you Jesus for good books!
Books have been my escape my entire life and today is no different than when I was a little girl. A good book soothes my soul and, after the book I have just finished, reminds me that life could be a lot worse!
Keeping up with my book reviews has been what has kept me sane lately though I am learning to adjust how I read. I don't comprehend things the way I used to and so on my bad days, if I feel up to reading, I have to take notes. Otherwise, I truly can't remember what I read. It's so frustrating and I can't read as quickly as I used to, but I am still thankful that I have the eyes to see the words on the page. Not everyone has that choice. My doctor says it's important to keep my brain active and so I fight the frustration and continue to read and write.
I also can't lose weight. No matter what I do I can't lose and am actually gaining. I've hit 225lbs. It's the highest I've ever been in my life. I am so ashamed. I don't want anyone to see me like this! At my next appointment I think I'm going to have them test my thyroid. I've been watching my portions and what I'm eating, been up and mobile more than I have in months, and I'm steadily gaining. It's hard not to beat myself up. I feel ugly and gross. I feel trapped in a body that I can't stand. It's yet another thing I feel like I have absolutely no control over.
Right now, every aspect of my life is hard. I don't write this to get sympathy but to let everyone know where I'm at right now. I told myself I would be real and honest in this journey and I intend to stick by my words. The photo above was taken a few weeks ago when we were on our way to see some friends. I was actually trying to smile and no matter how many pictures I took I kept getting the same face. I try to hide how I'm feeling the majority of the time but the eyes don't lie. I wear my emotions on my face and I hate that. I'd rather hide.
As far as videos, I have made a few but I am embarrassed to post them. Watching myself makes me cringe! Louie told me to get over it and post them but right now I just can't. Maybe one day I will but right now I'm too raw. It's too hard.
My next neurologist appointment is February 12th and I actually get to see the neurologist himself for the first time since my hospital stay. He's had his own family issues and has been out of the office so I've been seeing the nurse practitioner up until now. Hopefully we can get a game plan and I'll have more to report then.
Sorry for all the random rambling today! I'd originally wanted to vent about me having a bratty teenager and then everything else just came out. It feels good to write and get everything out there.
I only have one thing to ask today: please pray for my sanity.
Trust in the Lord
Cards,
Crafting with E,
Monday Check-In,
My Boys,
Splitcoaststampers Challenges,
Stamping,
Verve Stamps
Monday, August 15, 2016
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding..." - Proverbs 3:5
This is one of my all-time favorite verses. When I go through hard times like I've been going through these past few weeks reading Psalms or Proverbs really calms my spirit. It helps me focus and reminds me that God's got this! I don't see the big picture and I don't know or understand the "why" and that's ok because God does and He's taking care of me and my family. :)
So my oldest comes in to my office Friday morning and says that he wants to make a card to send to someone. How sweet is that?! Of course I say yes and told him I would make a card with him so we could do it together. With him being a pre-teen and starting to pull more and more away from me I take every opportunity he wants to spend with me and cherish every moment.
Since I've been out of the stamping game for awhile my creative juices are not flowing full force like they used to so I went to Splitcoaststampers for some inspiration. Fridays they do the Free for All and this last Friday's challenge was "Have A Heart". How perfect! I paired that challenge with this week's sketch challenge, let E pick out the patterned paper we were going to use, and got started!
It pretty much took the entire afternoon to finish our cards since he was gifted with perfectionism like his mama but I am SO proud of what we accomplished. Here is a picture of E's card:
Didn't he do a great job for his first time? I am SO proud! He pressed a little too hard with his sentiment but other than that I'm very impressed. I did do the cutting since I don't think we are there yet but other than that it was all him. Proud Mama!!
I just realized you can see my card in the background of his card! Haha!! Well here is a better view:
E choose Pink Flamingo designer paper (retired from Stampin' Up!) and I thought the colors were perfect for the end of summer. The sentiment is from Verve's Scripture Medley 1 and the heart is another Verve favorite of mine from the Hearts on Fire set.
Since the paper is so busy I wanted to keep the embellishments pretty simple so I opted for a scallop behind the circle and I know you can't see it on here but my white circle is actually raised up which gives it such a cool dimension in person.
I wanted to have a little bit of glitz so I used a Sakura clear star jelly roll pen on the heart and the butterfly.
A small strip of white swiss dot ribbon and a butterfly from one my Martha Stewart punches finishes off this simple and fun card.
This weekend was the first weekend that DJ was away from me since being in the hospital and it was tough but looking at this card reminded me that even if he's not with me God is with him and that's all that matters.
BTW, thank you all so much for your wonderful comments on my previous post. Knowing that people are praying and that we are not the only family that has had to endure this means more than anyone knows. Each comment gives me more and more strength and I thank you all for that.
Have a blessed Monday everyone!!
Strong Start to March: Monday Check-In
Apps,
Fitness,
Goals,
LiveFit,
Monday Check-In,
Motivation,
Weight Loss Journey
Monday, March 7, 2016
I know I have been MIA on here and usually that means that I've been sick or something but not this time! A few weeks ago it hit me: I'm going to be 35 this year. Thirty. Five.
I know that I am a few months away from being 35 but it was like something clicked. I am tired of being tired all the time. I'm tired of feeling like I'm in my 50's when I'm in my 30's. I am tired of letting these migraines get the best of me. It's time to start fighting for ME again!
First thing I need to do is lose weight. I'm positive many of my ailments are due to my weight gain and I get that but I've been trying everything and borderline obsessing about ways to lose fat off my body. Then I read a few quotes that I've heard a million times but for some reason are sticking with me:
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I know that I am a few months away from being 35 but it was like something clicked. I am tired of being tired all the time. I'm tired of feeling like I'm in my 50's when I'm in my 30's. I am tired of letting these migraines get the best of me. It's time to start fighting for ME again!
First thing I need to do is lose weight. I'm positive many of my ailments are due to my weight gain and I get that but I've been trying everything and borderline obsessing about ways to lose fat off my body. Then I read a few quotes that I've heard a million times but for some reason are sticking with me:
In true Christi fashion I am trying to overthink and overcomplicate my efforts. It's time to scale things back, keep it simple, and go back to basics.
I'm one of those girls that if I start a program and do not see instant results then I think it doesn't work for me and I give up. No more! I am going to trust the process and actually give the program time to work for me before I make a decision. No more snap judgements!
This last week I started out with a simple goal: walk every morning. I didn't put a time limit. I just told myself that I would get up, get on my treadmill, and walk and I did it!!
I ended up doing a minimum of 30 minutes every morning and two days I actually did an afternoon workout too! I also joined some family members on the Fitbit app and tracked my steps using my iPhone and two days I hit 10,000 steps! I am hoping to get a Fitbit soon since carrying around my phone everywhere stinks but I'm having to save up for it so I most likely won't get one until April. I guess that'll help me with delayed gratification! LOL
I also had a goal to limit my carb intake after 6pm and two days this week I did it but this week I would like to increase that number. My day is great but as soon as 7pm hits I am famished and throw caution to the wind and eat whatever is in sight. Not. Good.
So here are my goals for this week:
- Walk every morning (7 mornings-continue my streak! Woohoo!)
- 10,000 steps daily (7 days)
- Limit carb intake after 6pm nightly (at least 4 nights)
- Pick a plan to follow for the next month
I've bought a lot of training ebooks over the years so I am going to choose one program and give it my all. Right now I'm leaning towards FitGirls since I LOVE their Instagram page and they have a new app AND they have a challenge starting March 14th! Perfect!
I have been logging my journey in my personal blog and I am so sorry I neglected this blog! I promise not to be a stranger and let you guys in on my journey too.
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