My "New Normal"

I think I am finally coming to terms with my "new normal."  When I make this statement my mind screams at me.  Settling for a new normal admits defeat in my mind, and to be honest with you I am not ready to let go of my old life, even though I know I can never have it back.  I know I will live with these tumors and this horrible pain for the rest of my life but I don't want to acknowledge it.  I wish I could do something to take them away but I can't.  All I can do is try to live my life to the best of my ability and pray for a miracle.  Of course this mindset depends on the day too as the rollercoaster of emotions continues.  Some days I am accepting of this lot in life and other days I question it all.  Some days I am compliant, putting one foot in front of the other, and other days I am throwing a tantrum, kicking and screaming like a toddler who's had their toy taken away.


It's hard for me to let anyone in because I don't want people to see this side of me.  This weak, heartbroken mess of a girl.  I try to put my focus on other aspects of my life and constantly give thanks to God for all the many blessings that He's bestowed upon me, but my illness continuously haunts me, the pain always there.  I don't like to talk about it all because what is there to say that hasn't already been said?  Yet I know I need to let these feelings out, regardless if they've been spoken before or not, or they're going to tear me apart.

A close friend of mine lost her husband suddenly a few weeks ago and it has weighed heavy on my heart ever since I heard.  I cannot imagine what my friend and her family are going through.  Death is something that we all must deal with at one time or another and when you have a loss that hits so close to home it really makes you think about your own life and how you're choosing to live it.  I've had several people very near and dear to me pass over these past few months and it's hard to not let the darkness that comes with death consume you.

One thing I am realizing is that I cannot let this depression consume me!  I miss the me I was before I was diagnosed, when life felt happier and not as heavy, but I can't live in the past.  Life is just too damn short to wallow and try to change things that I cannot change!  I have tumors.  I will always be in pain but I'm also still here, living and breathing, so God must have a purpose for all of this.  I just need to deal with the pain, have faith, ride the waves and, when my pain is tolerable, live those moments to the fullest.  It's one thing to say all this and another to do it.

I felt horrible all weekend which doesn't help.  I think I'm fighting a cold or something because I have a sore throat and I have that achy body feeling bad which seems to make my pain and migraine worse.  What is it about being sick that magnifies everything!  Things that normally are tolerable are suddenly intolerable and irritating to no end.  That's where I am right now.

If you've stuck it out this far I thank you for listening to my sourpuss ramblings.  I don't even know if I am making any sense.  I didn't write any of this for sympathy.  I just needed to get these thoughts out of my head.  I'm sure tomorrow I will wake up and read this and think, "Seriously Christi?!" and ponder deleting it but I made a promise to myself when I started this blog that I would keep it real and keep it all: the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Well, like it or not, today is the ugly.