Speechless

Today's been a rough day, but not for the reasons that you might expect.  I had another neurologist appointment this morning and I've been in tears off and on ever since.  I found out something that hit me so hard that I'm speechless which, if you know me, is very hard to do.

I was put on three more medications, one for sleep and two that are prescribed for epileptic patients but should hopefully help with my migraines and the stroke-like symptoms that I am experiencing.  The doctor didn't want to talk about my tumors until Louie finally brought it up.  He told us that he wasn't concerned with them because he is positive my symptoms all stem from my atypical, acute, and hemiplegic migraines.

Then he said the sentence that rendered me speechless...

"If you were experiencing issues with your tumors you would have pain here," and he put his hand on his lower abdomen on his right side.  Louie and me immediately locked eyes and Louie said, "Doctor, Christi has had a pain in that exact spot for seven years.  That pain is the reason why she had all those surgeries (my gallbladder removed in 2012, a full hysterectomy in 2013, and an appendectomy in 2015).  Every doctor and specialist we've been to never could figure out why she continues to be in pain.  She still deals with that pain every day."  The look of concern crossed my doctor's face.  "I'm sure that pain is due to her tumors," he said.  Speechless.

He explained that where my tumors are located is very rare and out of his expertise.  He said that once we get my migraines under control then he will refer me to a spinal specialist who can give me my options and all of us can agree on what our next step will be.

As Louie and the doctor continued to talk I blanked out.  My whole body had went numb and tears stung my eyes.  A rush of memories from the past seven years invaded my mind, everything I've been through, the dreams that I gave up and for what?  For nothing?  All the emergency room visits and hospital stays, the surgeries that I now find out were unnecessary.  It all overwhelmed me but what really got me was the thought of my hysterectomy.  I wanted more children more than anything and had sacrificed my dream in hopes that having the surgery would heal me.  Now I'm finding out why it didn't work and truly realizing what I gave up for nothing.  Louie and me could've had a baby.  Tears stream down my face as I type that.  It still hurts so bad.  It took me years to mourn the loss of not having another child, and I just recently felt like I had moved past it, then it hits me in the face yet again.  Will I ever escape the heartache?

I managed to make it to the car and then I lost it.  I cried for my lost dreams, for what could have been, and for what's to come.  I cried in frustration at what I have been through and wondered how much more I can take.  I'm not strong enough to handle all of this!!  I thought about what my family has went through and how I've been sick my entire marriage.  All the events I've missed in my boys lives because I've been too sick to get out of bed.  I'm missing what's left of their childhood!  It's not fair!!  The only solace I can take away from this appointment is that I finally know where my pain comes from.  I can say that I am not crazy and that this pain is not in my head.  It's all because of the tumors.

I did go to work today for a few hours for the first time since my hospitalization in November.  I was nervous that I would be overwhelmed but it felt so good to get back to some normalcy.  I still can't drive but luckily Louie dropped me off and my boss was sweet enough to drop me off at home this afternoon.  Everyone was so patient with me and I missed seeing everyone.  It wasn't until I was settled and at my desk, working on a report, trying to remember what to do that it hit me:  I'm never going to be the same again.  Today a switch was hit and my eyes have been opened.  It's going to take me awhile to process all of this and I am trying so hard to not do what I normally do: bottle it all up.

I talked to family and talking helped but I still sit here utterly heartbroken.  I didn't really want to write this post but I felt like I need to get it out of my head and onto paper, whether I feel like it or not.  I know that God has a plan and a reason for all of this but tonight my heart cries why.  I know it could be worse and I'm thankful for that.  I am a myriad of emotions.  I'm a mess.