Let's DO This! Goal Setting Sunday

Here I am today and here are the few stats I am comfortable to share right now. ;) 

Weight: 186lbs
Height: 5'7
Feeling: Like I am ready to get over the crud and get some of this fat off my body!!

Faith

I have been struggling with finding the time for a real Bible study.  I think the craziness of summer just makes it all harder so I am going to put that on hold for a few weeks.  I cannot believe school will be starting in less than a month! 

• Audio Bible in a Year in the morning
• Personal devotional at lunch
• Nightly devotional/prayer time with the family

Fitness

My MIL and me are still going for three mornings this week so that is happening.  She has been doing cardio but I am going to start back on my Full-Body-Licious.  Flavia inspires me on a daily basis and I've seen how awesome she's done since she had her daughter and I know if she can do it so can I! 

• Full-Body-Licious three mornings before work
• 3 15-minute cardio sessions either on the elliptical or treadmill
• Dance time with the boys at least once this week

Food

Right now my supplements have been the only consistent thing in my journey to health.  I've been faithfully taking Advocare since MIL came to visit us in June and got me back on track.  Before the crud I was starting to feel better so I'm going to continue with my Spark and MNS3.

As far as meal planning I am still struggling with this one majorly so I am going to break this goal up into smaller goals and hopefully in the next month or two I will be a meal planning fool!  

• Eat every 2-3 hours
• Eat one veggie at every meal/snack
• Start working on food categories in Evernote

I hope and pray that this week I can stay focused on my goals.  My problem is I will write them all out and then the busyness of the week engulfs me and I forget until next week.  I really do not want that to happen.  I hope to keep this blog going all through my journey and one day have reached the changes I so long to see in myself and I will have my journey documented.  How amazing will that be??

"What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see." -Hebrews 11:1

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Do I Need Motivation or Just To Get Out Of My Own Head???

Seriously.  I've been sick with the crud for over a week and its getting old real quick.  I had a plan all ready to go too.  L told me that he would get me a trainer when I hit 140lbs.  I weighed this morning and I'm 186.  Blah!  I've NEVER seen that number on my scale before.  Ever.  

First I teared up.  I get super emotional when I'm sick and I'm already emotional going through menopause so you can imagine the mess I was.  Then I got pissed.  Even though I feel helpless to lose weight I'm not!  Why am I feeling sorry for myself?  That's not going to help get this weight off me.  DOING something is going to get this weight off.

Every time I've started something new I go full boar.  All in.  Holding nothing back.  I'm like that for a short period of time and then I fizzle.  I usually end up getting sick (like I did this time), lose my mojo, and then I'm back to feeling sorry for myself.  I told L earlier that I want this time to be different.  I want to get out of my head.

I never realized just how self-sabotaging I am!  AND I over-think EVERYTHING!  What's sad is I can't stop!  It's like crack with me or something.  I have a very negative self image.  Very negative.  Drives L nuts and truth be told it is one thing about myself that I hate but how do you change something that is so ingrained in you?

That's right!  I am going to hold onto God's truth and love for me and pray that I "fake it" until I become that confident person that truly does love who she is.  I am also going to JUST DO IT. and by IT I mean start my program all over again and KNOW that this time is going to be different.  Who gives a flying frisbee if I have to start all over again!  The point is that I am going to do it!

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Moving Mountains

I had a totally different blog post all planned out for today but L just texted me a Bible verse and it has me in tears so change of plans.

Since my hysterectomy I have been struggling.  Every day I feel like there is a battle raging inside me.  There is the life that I want to live and there is the life that I am currently living.  Not to say that my life is bad.  On the contrary, I feel so blessed to have the life that I have.  It's just my heart  hurts.  I feel like there is a longing that hasn't been fulfilled yet and I can't quite put my finger on what it is.  

I know I haven't truly dealt with the fact that I can't have more children and with my youngest turning 8 this week its brought up happiness that my baby is growing up to be such a wonderful little boy but it also brought up that hurt. My baby is 8.  I will never have any more kids.  It just all hurts.  It also doesn't help the fact that a lot of my friends are having babies or trying to get pregnant and posting all over social media about it.  I am happy that my friends are having babies but it makes that pain grow.  My dream is dead.  Just saying that makes tears well up in my eyes.  My dream of having a house full of little treasures is not going to happen.  My dream of having a little girl that will be a life long friend is no more and I have to accept that and move on to a new dream.

Nicole Wilkins IFBB Pro Figure

I haven't told very many people this but I want to compete in a figure competition.  I've wanted to for a few years now and before the surgery I was on a good track.  Then the full hysterectomy happened and now 9 months later I am 182lbs which ironically is what I was after I had my youngest child.  I am literally starting over. 

Luckily I am a Christian and hope is not lost!  I find when I am down when I go to God's Word there is always something there that humbles me and gives me the strength I need.  Today that verse is Mark 11:22-25

"Then Jesus said to the disciples, “Have faith in God. I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, ‘May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart. I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you’ve received it, it will be yours. But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.”

This really spoke to me this morning.  I haven't believed I will ever get over the pain of not having a little girl.  I haven't believed I would be a real figure competitor.  Not only have I not really believed but I haven't asked either.  Grieving and moving on is a mountain in my life as is going from 182lbs to being a figure competitor but I truly believe that just like God can move a mountain he can mend my heart and give me that desire that I have been craving.  So for now I pray, trust, and hope.  :)

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My Pickle Is 8!

This is my beautiful baby boy who is not so much of a baby anymore!  I cannot believe that he is eight years old!  It seems unreal to me.

D's birthday is always hard for me but this year it is especially hard.  I will never have any more children.  I know this fact but when your last child turns 8 it really hits home and it hurts so bad.

I have so many friends that are either trying to get pregnant, already pregnant, or just had babies so when I log onto Facebook that is all I see.  I then remember why I took the hiatus from social media that I did.  I am happy for my friends but it still hurts that my dream of a big family has died.  No one really knows or even understands how deep this cut is with the exception of those that have either been in my situation or could never have children at all.  For those women my heart goes out to you.  I am very thankful that God blessed me with the two amazing little boys that I have.

I love this little boy more than words can say and I will always treasure the fact that he is and forever will be my baby.  Happy birthday Pickle!!

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Accountability

I have the best mother-in-law in the world.  I love this woman SO much!  She is a huge inspiration to me and I feel so blessed to have her in my life.  I hear all these horror stories about crazy mother-in-laws but I was lucky enough to get one of the good ones.  She is not only family but quickly becoming one of my best friends even though she lives over 8 hours away from me.  She has breast cancer for the second time and seeing what all she has been through and is going through with such grace and faith is so inspiring.  I want to be her when I grow up. :)

Me and my mother-in-law getting ready for the wedding.
Not the best picture but its the first one of just the two of us and I
will always treasure it. :)

She found out she had cancer a few months after my hysterectomy.  Up to that point we both had been losing weight and feeling awesome.  As you all know my hysterectomy has made me gain almost 40lbs and the chemo has made her gain quite a bit as well.

Her and my niece came to stay with us a few weeks at the beginning of the summer and we talked a lot about how we are ready to change but how life can get in the way.  We talked about how our faith is growing and wanting the Lords will for our lives.  I cried when they left.  It was so great to have someone so positive around the house.  It was refreshing to have a different perspective on things.  It was amazing to watch someone that is dealing with cancer have so much zest for life even after getting a raw deal.

We have been calling and texting a lot more since they left so I wasn't very surprised when she texted me early last week.  What she said to me stuck with me that entire day...

Are you ready to be held accountable?

During our many lengthly discussions we had talked a lot about me being scared.  How I have lived so much of my life in fear.  How I have let that fear stop me from doing so many amazing things in my life and how that fear had fueled a lot of very bad decisions.  I told her I am tired of fear and I am ready to step out in faith.  I am ready to not be afraid of failing.  Knowing my mother-in-law is there watching what I do on MyFitnessPal and when she calls me at 5:30am to get up and work out is a big time motivator.

Pinterest

We are starting out slow.  Last week it was two mornings and this week our goal is three mornings at least 20 minutes and tracking our food.  We both bombed this weekend which I think is so funny but we are both back on track today.  It really makes a difference knowing you have someone that not only has your back but is on this journey with you.

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Struggling & A Hope For True Freedom

I have always struggled with finishing things.  I will start something and be all excited and passionate and then over time it fizzles out.  I cannot begin to count the many endeavors that I have started and stated with conviction, "This time will be different!" only for it to fizzle out like every other time.  I was talking to L about this a few days ago and something that he said really stuck with me.

"How can you expect to finish something successfully if you do not start the right way."

Haven't I started everything right?  I couldn't shake this statement and the more I thought about it the more I realized I haven't.  I have always done everything backwards.  I had my kids before I got married.  I married the wrong man before I married the right man.  Usually when people tell me to do something I do the total opposite.  I've done it my whole life but that doesn't make it right.

Everyone knows the definition of insanity and I have to say that up to this point that has been my life because I do keep trying to do the same things over and over and expect different results.  Nine months ago I had to do something that I am still struggling with.  I had to have a full hysterectomy.  I had to let go of my dream of having more kids and a big family.  Even 9 months later it still hurts so bad and I wonder if I'll ever get over it.  I've spent the past 9 months feeling sorry for myself.  I've fought depression along with the hot flashes and horrible mood swings.

I've gained so much weight and have been so ashamed of myself.  I think I've allowed myself to get this way again to hide and truth be told I am tired of hiding.  I was on a great path there for awhile and I let this "change" get the best of me.  I had my well-woman visit yesterday and my doctor is upping my hormones and told me to get back on Advocare and take everything moment by moment.

I've always been an all or nothing kind of gal but this time I am taking the docs advice.  I am going to take it slowly.  I've started a 24 Day Challenge and am already starting to feel better.  Last week I even worked out twice!  It might have only been for 15 minutes each time on the elliptical but its something!

With the death of my dream of more kids comes the birth of another dream which I will tell more about later.  Right now, on this Independence Day, I am praying for freedom from this depressive bondage.  God did not put me on this earth to hide but to shine and "be a light" and starting today I am going to let my little light shine.

Happy 4th of July! God bless America!!

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