Armor of God: Total Game Changer

I read books all the time.  There are very few books that I do not finish but for some reason every time I start a Bible study I never end up finishing it.  I have at least six Bible studies that are sitting in my office that I've started but for whatever reason I've never finished them.  This is SO embarrassing for me to admit but isn't confession one of the steps to recovery?

When my church started a summer women's Bible study of the Armor of God I knew this was my chance to complete one.  Maybe my problem has been not having accountability to help me finish?

I was so proud of myself!  We started in June and as the weeks went on I kept up with my homework and never missed a weekly meeting until Dylan ended up in the hospital the first of August.  Our final meeting was the Thursday that Dylan came home from the hospital.  I was heartbroken but my baby definitely came first and at least this time I had a good excuse for not finishing the study.  

Despite my circumstances of adjusting to life with a Type 1 diabetic child I was determined to finish this study so I emailed our women's ministry leader a few weeks later, explained why I wasn't able to attend the last meeting, and asked if there were some way I could get a copy of notes or a video from that final meeting.  She couldn't send me the actual video that the group watched but she did send me a condensed version of the video which sadly sat untouched in my inbox for weeks.

After having a serious talk with my husband last week about procrastination and how I want more than anything to change my procrastinating habits I vowed to finish the Armor of God study by the end of October.  I am proud to say that on October 22nd I finished!!  I actually teared up and prayed a prayer of pure thanksgiving when I read that last sentence not only because I completed the study but because of everything that I have learned along the way.

Because of this study I have made new friends at church, I have completed my first Bible study, and most importantly I am starting to truly see myself the way that God sees me.  This study (especially this last week) has opened my eyes to so many lies that I've been believing about God and myself as a child of God.  I have felt trapped and like I've been in a battle my entire life but for the first time I feel truly free.  I am free!  I cannot tell you how amazing this feeling is.  It is a total game changer. 

I wanted something to commemorate this amazing feat as well as serve as a reminder of my newfound knowledge and freedom so my family took me to Mardel's so I could pick out something.  I really wanted a picture to hang on the wall to remind me of each piece of armor that I have learned about and need to daily put on but we couldn't find anything that fit our decor.  I am happy to report that I did not leave the store empty handed.  

I had been thinking about a bracelet or some type of jewelry that I could wear as a reminder and this ring is exactly what I wanted!  It has a condensed version of Ephesians 6:13-17 on it and is a beautiful reminder for me to stand firm!  It was hard for me to get a good picture of it but you can find it on Mardel's website.  It's not expensive by any means and I'm sure will one day tarnish but for now it will serve as a reminder and will forever be one of my most cherished possessions.  

I also wanted to share with you one of my favorite graphics from From The Heart Art showing off each piece of the armor of God.  I've had it on my Pinterest for awhile and just love it.

If you have not done this study yet I would HIGHLY recommend it.  I am hoping (Lord willing) to be able to afford the leader kit one day and lead my own study in my home.  In my opinion, this is a study that ALL women should go through.  It's time Christian women learned how to fight and this is the study to help prepare you. 

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Searching the Scriptures

You can find my review for this book HERE

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Summer Soul Searching

There have been a few changes in my life.  The changes are so small that if asked even those close to me would probably deny them but they're happening.  My focus is changing.  My mind is being renewed.

I noticed something was different a few weeks ago when I decided to do the Armor of God Bible study with my women's group at church.

I have always been fascinated with the Ephesians 6:10-19 passage about the armor of God but have never really delved into the subject deeply.  From the first meeting I knew this study was going to be a game changer.

Over the next few weeks I have begun to notice things about myself that I have never noticed before. Some are too private to post on here but one that keeps coming back is my need for approval and validation from people.  God is opening my eyes to the fact that if I'm brutally honest that I care more about what other people think of me instead of what HE thinks of me.  

It hurts me to even admit that but that's what this study is all about.  Finding the lies that I have been believing and replacing them with God's truth.   I've also noticed that I am not as patient as I previously thought and that my perfectionism is getting in the way of my walk with the Lord.

All of these topics have been brought up in the study but there is one thing that keeps popping up in my dreams and its happened so often that there must be something to it.  

I've been dreaming about ex-boyfriends.  

Anyone who knew me pre-2011 knows I was a boy-crazed girl.  I was always looking at guys with lust even if I was in a committed relationship.  I appreciated the male species a little too much and that was where my focus was from the time I was five years old up until I met Louie.  I was all about guys and if I was in a committed relationship my entire being was about them.

I got so lost in each man that I dated that I eventually lost who Christi was so when I met Louie I was a hot mess.  One amazing thing happened when I met my soul-mate: my boy-craziness stopped almost instantly.  When I told Louie that I loved him for the first time that was it.  I only had eyes for him and it's still that way today.  Very rarely do I comment about how cute a guy is anymore which is such a contrast to who I used to be.  My focus has definitely changed.

My true-loves

When I think about my past relationships most of them do not bother me.  They ran their course and served their purpose during that time in my life.  Several of them were not left on good terms but I had the closure I needed and I moved on.  

There are two that when I think about them they subconsciously still bother me and I am beginning to realize that they may not bother me for the reasons I previously thought.  

Day 1 of the Armor of God study we were asked to write your most difficult person, problem, or circumstance.  I wrote a few down but the one that was at the top for me was weight loss and my addiction to food.  

My current obsession

Throughout the study we have referred back to how this might be a hindrance and steps to take to break the bondage.  Ever since I wrote those words in my book I've been having these dreams about the two relationships in my life that never had true closure.  What's crazy is I haven't thought about one of the guys in YEARS.  Why am I dreaming about a guy I haven't though of in so long?

After praying about it and talking to Louie about it I think that my weight loss struggle and those relationships are intertwined in a way I never thought about before.  When I was with these two individuals (which were YEARS apart) I was skinny but more than that I did not like who I was when I was with either one of them.  Both relationships I was borderline obsessive and even though at the time I said it was love it wasn't.  It was pure lust and infatuation.  

I truly believe that one of the reasons why I have been struggling with lasting weight loss is the fact that deep down I am scared that if I lose the weight that I will backslide into that person that I was during those times in my life and that scares me!  I don't ever EVER want to be that girl again.  She was so lost and looking for happiness in all the wrong places.  

I like who I am becoming now.  I am realizing my worth in Jesus Christ and am finding who Christi is in a whole new light.  I never want to go back to that person who lived in such darkness not just mentally but emotionally and even spiritually.  

In saying all this I am hoping to break free from this lie.  I hope to let go of these past hurts once and for all and FINALLY be on the road to lasting weight loss.  It's been over two years and I'm still stuck at 200lbs.  It has taken such a toll on my health and I am tired of sitting idly by.  It's time for me to put on my armor and fight! 

If you've stuck it out with me this far I thank you.  Like my title said I am definitely doing a lot of soul searching so don't be surprised if there are more rambling blog posts.  I'm just trying to find me. :)

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Exhausted, Stressed, Yet Blessed

I usually title my blog posts before I write them but today's I can't exactly put a title on what I'm feeling.  Why?

1) I feel exhausted

I slept until 11am which for me is crazy because usually sleeping in for me is 9ish.  I couldn't help it.  This week has been one of the worst weeks I've had in a long time (more about that later) and even though I've been sleeping I haven't been resting if that makes any sense and I think my body was done.  Even though I'm up I still feel like I could lay back down...and I just might. ;)

2)  I feel stressed

I work a hard job.  I am a lead pharmacy technician for a local independent pharmacy but we are not your normal mom and pop place.  We are a speciality pharmacy and the way its ran its more like a mail order!  Thursday we actually did over 700 prescriptions which is mind boggling but that's not really the stress.  My job has no structure.  It has bothered me for the past few years (I've been at this job almost 4 1/2 years) when we decided to go from full service to speciality.  I haven't been happy there in a long time but I've prayed about it and God hasn't opened up any other opportunities to me.

I have had other places that have wanted to hire me but when you have 15+ experience as a technician no one wants to pay you what you're worth.  They want to hire these kids fresh out of school that they can pay a little over minimum wage.  Whatever.  What's funny is I don't even want to be a technician.  I never have!  It was a chance meeting that got me into the business and I guess you could say I've been stuck ever since which leads me to number three...

3)  I feel like there is more to life than this

My podcast of choice this week has been Chip Ingram and Living on the Edge.  He's been talking about spiritual gifts (Chip wrote a great blog about Why Developing Our Spiritual Gifts Is So Important that you should definitely check out) and I've been deep into my Kingdom Woman book so my thoughts have been about God's Kingdom and not my own.  I know there is more to life than this and that life is too short for all the stress and exhaustion but I feel like I'm going in circles.

I've never felt like I'm living my purpose.  I've had an inner battle my entire life about what my purpose is and how I have never felt like I am living what I am meant to be doing.  I have passions and gifts and I know I am not living my passion or utilizing my gifts.  My problem is that I don't really know who I am and why God created me yet.  I think once I get that down then everything else will fall into place.

4)  I have family conflict that is weighing heavy on me

 I won't go into much detail with this one but I will say that when you have a conflict with people in your family it tends to bring you down.  I am thankful that things in my immediate family are fine.  It's a conflict with members of my extended family that are definitely weighting down on me.

I know that life will never be perfect and I am thankful that God is revealing a lot of Himself to me during this season of time and for that I am truly blessed.  I am learning to rely on Him for everything and put my complete trust in His plan, not my own.  I know that even though I have stress and conflict that God will use all of this for His good and so I patiently wait until the day when I can look back and see His incredible tapestry.

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Becoming A Kingdom Woman

Anyone who has known me for any length of time knows that I'm a bookworm.  At any given time I can be reading anywhere from 2-6 books at once.  It's an addiction that has been apart of me my entire life.  Yesterday after church we stopped by our church's bookstore and I was immediately drawn to this book.

I kept picking it up and putting it back down.  I hardly have time to read like I used to why would I want to start something new?  I pick it up again and look at Husband with those 'I have to have it' eyes.  He nods his head and before I know it I'm in the car devouring the first section.

I have been feeling this hunger lately to be a more Godly woman.  I feel like for the past 30+ years that I have had a wrong view of what a Godly woman looks like and I truly believe God put this book in my hands for a reason.

Today I worked a 9 hour shift at work, stopped by the store to exchange an item, came home and started dinner, cleaned up the kitchen, served my family dinner, ate at the table with my family with no television on, cleaned up dinner, put up laundry and started another load, then sat and studied for my CPhT license as I enjoyed being surrounded by my family.  Not bad for a Monday!

I would love to say that every day is like this but sadly its not.  There is still a lot that I wanted to do but didn't get a chance to but I'm not going to beat myself up over it.  I am thankful that God gave me the strength to accomplish what I did today and I hope and pray that I can do it all over again tomorrow and with the right attitude and spirit.

Has anyone else read Kingdom Woman?  I would love to meet some like-minded women who share my hunger to truly live for the Lord and be the woman that God made them to be.

I'm off to read a few pages before bed. ;)  I cannot WAIT to have my eyes and heart opened to His truth.

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