Summer Soul Searching

There have been a few changes in my life.  The changes are so small that if asked even those close to me would probably deny them but they're happening.  My focus is changing.  My mind is being renewed.

I noticed something was different a few weeks ago when I decided to do the Armor of God Bible study with my women's group at church.

I have always been fascinated with the Ephesians 6:10-19 passage about the armor of God but have never really delved into the subject deeply.  From the first meeting I knew this study was going to be a game changer.

Over the next few weeks I have begun to notice things about myself that I have never noticed before. Some are too private to post on here but one that keeps coming back is my need for approval and validation from people.  God is opening my eyes to the fact that if I'm brutally honest that I care more about what other people think of me instead of what HE thinks of me.  

It hurts me to even admit that but that's what this study is all about.  Finding the lies that I have been believing and replacing them with God's truth.   I've also noticed that I am not as patient as I previously thought and that my perfectionism is getting in the way of my walk with the Lord.

All of these topics have been brought up in the study but there is one thing that keeps popping up in my dreams and its happened so often that there must be something to it.  

I've been dreaming about ex-boyfriends.  

Anyone who knew me pre-2011 knows I was a boy-crazed girl.  I was always looking at guys with lust even if I was in a committed relationship.  I appreciated the male species a little too much and that was where my focus was from the time I was five years old up until I met Louie.  I was all about guys and if I was in a committed relationship my entire being was about them.

I got so lost in each man that I dated that I eventually lost who Christi was so when I met Louie I was a hot mess.  One amazing thing happened when I met my soul-mate: my boy-craziness stopped almost instantly.  When I told Louie that I loved him for the first time that was it.  I only had eyes for him and it's still that way today.  Very rarely do I comment about how cute a guy is anymore which is such a contrast to who I used to be.  My focus has definitely changed.

My true-loves

When I think about my past relationships most of them do not bother me.  They ran their course and served their purpose during that time in my life.  Several of them were not left on good terms but I had the closure I needed and I moved on.  

There are two that when I think about them they subconsciously still bother me and I am beginning to realize that they may not bother me for the reasons I previously thought.  

Day 1 of the Armor of God study we were asked to write your most difficult person, problem, or circumstance.  I wrote a few down but the one that was at the top for me was weight loss and my addiction to food.  

My current obsession

Throughout the study we have referred back to how this might be a hindrance and steps to take to break the bondage.  Ever since I wrote those words in my book I've been having these dreams about the two relationships in my life that never had true closure.  What's crazy is I haven't thought about one of the guys in YEARS.  Why am I dreaming about a guy I haven't though of in so long?

After praying about it and talking to Louie about it I think that my weight loss struggle and those relationships are intertwined in a way I never thought about before.  When I was with these two individuals (which were YEARS apart) I was skinny but more than that I did not like who I was when I was with either one of them.  Both relationships I was borderline obsessive and even though at the time I said it was love it wasn't.  It was pure lust and infatuation.  

I truly believe that one of the reasons why I have been struggling with lasting weight loss is the fact that deep down I am scared that if I lose the weight that I will backslide into that person that I was during those times in my life and that scares me!  I don't ever EVER want to be that girl again.  She was so lost and looking for happiness in all the wrong places.  

I like who I am becoming now.  I am realizing my worth in Jesus Christ and am finding who Christi is in a whole new light.  I never want to go back to that person who lived in such darkness not just mentally but emotionally and even spiritually.  

In saying all this I am hoping to break free from this lie.  I hope to let go of these past hurts once and for all and FINALLY be on the road to lasting weight loss.  It's been over two years and I'm still stuck at 200lbs.  It has taken such a toll on my health and I am tired of sitting idly by.  It's time for me to put on my armor and fight! 

If you've stuck it out with me this far I thank you.  Like my title said I am definitely doing a lot of soul searching so don't be surprised if there are more rambling blog posts.  I'm just trying to find me. :)