Goodbye September! It's Been Real...

Let me start this post with a disclaimer: if this blog does not make any sense I apologize in advance.  I am extremely sleep deprived. I have been tossing and turning the past three nights and my eyes are black and swollen and my head cannot seem to focus on anything but I figured its the last day of September so I wanted to blog something.  Then I think I'm going to take a much-needed nap. ;)

SparkPeople update:

I didn't jump back in full force like I did the last time I tried to lose weight but I don't think I'm off to that bad of a start.  My focus has been logging in every day, tracking one meal and my water intake, and doing the daily newbie challenge.  So far so good.  I still struggle with my water.  Eight glasses is a breeze for me but I'm going for double that (a gallon a day) and that is more difficult though not completely farfetched.

A few nights ago I was doing good with my water and by the time dinner came I actually wasn't that hungry!  Gotta love the appetite suppressant!!  I'm only weighing once a week but I'm really trying to focus more on how I feel and not on the scale.

With the beginning of the months comes measurements and I will be posting my stats here on the blog.  I'm tired of being ashamed of who I am.  I am Christi and yes I am overweight but I am also on a journey to be my healthiest self.  I'm not perfect and this time I want to document everything I can so one day I can look back and see how far I've came.

Another thing I've realized about myself since starting back on SP is how negative I am about myself.  I am to the point to where I can't even look in the mirror I feel so ashamed.  Not cool.  So while I am trying to work out more and watch what I eat I am also on an emotional journey to love and accept who I am right where I'm at in my life now.  Honestly I think that's going to be the hardest part in all of this.

Job Update:

No I am still unemployed as far as being out in the workforce but you better believe I have kept myself busy.  My house is a lot more in order and I have been decluttering things that should've been done ages ago.

I was hired to do a small temp job here this next week.  The pay isn't great but the company is!  I'm actually going to help my mom declutter her house.  I know some people would cringe at the idea but I love it!  I am a total nerd when it comes to organizing.  Honestly if I could get a job doing that I would be in heaven but sadly there either isn't much of a demand or I'm not looking in the right places.

What's crazy to me is I'm 34 years old and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

There are so many things that sound awesome in theory but when I do more research into the job itself I realize its not for me.  Everything I really want to do either requires a lot of school, the pay isn't great, or both.  I'm still praying about it all and know that God will lead me to where He wants me to be so no worries.

Me Update:

What about me?  I'm hanging in there and taking things day by day.  All of this has really brought my depression back full force which has been tough.  Some days are better than others of course and so I am thankful for the good days and just try to press through the bad ones.

Here's one thing I've been doing every morning that I look forward to every day.

Quiet time in the Word and a cup of coffee.  I feel so lucky that I get to do this every morning.  I have been having more of a hunger to know God's Word on a deeper level so I pulled out a book my grandmother gave me a few years back How to Study Your Bible by Kay Arthur and am trying to learn the Inductive approach.  It's definitely a work in progress but I hope one day to share what God has revealed to me through this rich study.

This week two of my long time best friends came by to visit me and it really revived me.  When the going gets tough you really realize who your friends are (and that's all I'm going to say about that).  I love these girls so much and really need to start making more time for them.

One thing that stinks about being an adult is not having time for your friends like you used to.  What's so great about these two women is that months could go by without us talking or seeing each other but we all love each other and are there when we are really needed.  I'm really blessed to call them friends.

OK its nap time for real! LOL Happy last day of September!!!

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Only By Grace Joins SparkPeople

Last week while my mind was in a complete haze and I suddenly had hours and hours to think about things and life I realized just how much I hate my body.  I can't stand it!  I'm not comfortable the way I am right now and I remembered I've been here before.

It was April 2009.  I was sick in bed on a Saturday afternoon.  I got up to make everyone dinner and then went to lay back down.  I was in tears because it took all my energy to take care of my family and the past few years had been like this.  I was sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time.

Being a one income family didn't leave any room for extra expenses so I grabbed my laptop and searched on Google "free weight loss programs."  That's when I found out about SparkPeople for the first time.  I signed up immediately and thus began my first weight loss journey.  I kept up my journey until I got married and after that I stopped signing on.  I figured I didn't need it anymore.  I had hit my goal and that was that.  I had maintained my goal weight for a year and life was going good so I just left it alone.

That is until this last week when I remembered the last time I felt this was April 2009 when enough was enough and I had taken action and lost 60+ pounds.  I logged in and looked at my old page.  I couldn't believe how much I had changed from then to now.  In the two years since I've been on I've gained all that weight back PLUS!  It actually discouraged me so much I logged off and decided it was time for a new beginning so I signed up again and this time I am OnlyByGrace0420 because it truly is only by grace that I am here today and April 20th is the day my life changed forever.  I married my best friend and started my new and wonderful life.  I never felt more hope than I did on that day and I always want to remember how that felt.

I've been back on there for a week and it's been a struggle.  I remember just how much I hate logging food (though I know right now I need to) but I also remembered how amazing the community is!  I've already "met" two girls that are almost exactly in the same boat that I am in and are just as determined as me!

When I signed up again it helped me create a weight loss goal:

How perfect is this!!  April 2016 L and me will celebrate 5 wonderful years together and 3 years being married.  :)

I have a feeling this time will be different for me and if you too are on SparkPeople or would like to join look me up!!  I could use the support and you know I'll be there for you too.

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When Things Don't Go Our Way

It's been a week since I've been home and I have to say that things have been going by in a blur.  I feel like I'm just going through the motions right now and cannot wait to get out of this fog that I've been in.

I'm not sure what you guys do for a daily devotional but I found the First 5 app a few weeks ago and fell in love.  It's short and to the point but what I love is that you can meditate on the truths all day long and they have a beautiful picture I usually post on Instagram or Tweet. ;)

This morning's hit me so hard I thought I would come on here and share my thoughts.  The passage is Genesis 16:7-8 (NLT)

The angel of the lord found Hagar beside a spring of water in the wilderness, along the road to Shur. 8The angel said to her, “Hagar, Sarai’s servant, where have you come from, and where are you going?”  “I’m running away from my mistress, Sarai,” she replied.

Sarai couldn't have children so she asked her husband to sleep with her servant so she could have children through her.  That part hits me for another reason but that's for another blog post.  What stands out to me today is that Sarai didn't want to wait on God's timing.  She was ready to be a mother so bad that she took matters into her own hands.

Once upon a time I did the same thing that Sarai did.  I took matters into my own hands.  

My sister found her soulmate when she was 13 years old.  I always envied her because I could never find Mr. Right and by the time I was 20 I was tired of being alone.  It didn't help that a month before my sister had gotten married and was starting her life with her new husband and here is her OLDER sister feeling like an old maid.  I also must add that every woman in my family either got married or had a child before they were 18.  I was the first to break that cycle and in my warped 20 year old mind I thought there was something wrong with me.

I started dating a guy that did not share my Christian values and I knew from the beginning was all wrong for me but I didn't care.  I was sick and tired of being the third wheel to everything and was ready to be a WE instead of an I.  I quit going to church and we moved in together.  It was an extremely volatile relationship and we had such horrible fights that the cops were called on us several times.  

We broke up and got back together a few times and even got engaged but he would never set a date and when I talked about the wedding he would get upset with me and say that I was obsessed.  After a year and half of everything I was done.  I decided to break up with him for good when I found out that I was pregnant.  Sure the fear of raising a child did come to my mind but with my hormones raging I thought about how close I was to actually being able to have a family.  I knew if I married him it wouldn't last but everyone divorces now and they come out ok right?  (I'm telling you I was SO not in my right mind)

We got married and ended up having two children and after 6 1/2 years I couldn't take it anymore.  Things had become even more abusive despite me hoping that having children would calm him down.  So I did one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.  I left.  

I look back to 20 year old me and just want to slap some sense into her!  I wanted a husband and a family so bad that I tried to make it happen and look what happened.  My boys are now children of a broken home and even though I have since found my soulmate I tell him all the time I wish I would've just waited for him.

I don't think I felt like God saw me during that time but He did.  He saw me when I was in a miserable, abusive marriage.  He saw me when I left and started to doubt myself and my faith.  He was there when I looked up and saw my soulmate for the first time which was in one of the lowest points of my life and He sees me today. 

   

I want so much to try to make our finances work and to force jobs so we can get some income so bad but this morning God is telling me to wait, have faith, and take every step with Him.  You better believe this time I am!

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Employed No More

Life has came on me pretty hard and I have had some major turmoil.

The biggest cause for turmoil is I am no longer employed.  The decision was by my own choosing but it was one of the hardest decisions I've had to make in a long time.  My family relies on my income so me leaving my job was not something that was not taken lightly.

I left mainly for moral and ethical reasons.  I was being asked to do things that were unethical and I did not feel right doing what was asked of me so there was pretty much an ultimatum.  Either I complied or I left.  So I left.  I felt horrible not putting in my notice but just the thought of going back to that place one more time made me physically ill.  When a job starts to affect you both mentally and physically its time to bounce.  There are some things that money just cannot buy and health and happiness are two of those things.

This week has been a huge adjustment.  I feel like I've been in a daze.  My head is constantly hurting and I don't know what to do with myself.  My house is getting a lot cleaner and I love being able to drop off and pick up my boys but I am already feeling the financial pressure on me big time.  I would give more details but I promised my husband that I would not say much about it BUT if you are a prayer warrior our family could use a lot of prayer right now.  I'll just leave it at that.

So what now?

Well...I'm not 100% sure.  I really want to change careers completely and go back to school but financially there is just no way right now.  I'm debating on finding something else in my field or just get some meaningless whatever job to help get us by and go back to school part time.  If this was a perfect situation and we didn't rely so heavily on my income I would just go back to school and enjoy my kids and being a stay-at-home wife/mom but it doesn't look like its going to work out that way.

I am just praying and continuously giving it all to the Lord.  It's all too big for me.

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