Armor of God: Total Game Changer

I read books all the time.  There are very few books that I do not finish but for some reason every time I start a Bible study I never end up finishing it.  I have at least six Bible studies that are sitting in my office that I've started but for whatever reason I've never finished them.  This is SO embarrassing for me to admit but isn't confession one of the steps to recovery?

When my church started a summer women's Bible study of the Armor of God I knew this was my chance to complete one.  Maybe my problem has been not having accountability to help me finish?

I was so proud of myself!  We started in June and as the weeks went on I kept up with my homework and never missed a weekly meeting until Dylan ended up in the hospital the first of August.  Our final meeting was the Thursday that Dylan came home from the hospital.  I was heartbroken but my baby definitely came first and at least this time I had a good excuse for not finishing the study.  

Despite my circumstances of adjusting to life with a Type 1 diabetic child I was determined to finish this study so I emailed our women's ministry leader a few weeks later, explained why I wasn't able to attend the last meeting, and asked if there were some way I could get a copy of notes or a video from that final meeting.  She couldn't send me the actual video that the group watched but she did send me a condensed version of the video which sadly sat untouched in my inbox for weeks.

After having a serious talk with my husband last week about procrastination and how I want more than anything to change my procrastinating habits I vowed to finish the Armor of God study by the end of October.  I am proud to say that on October 22nd I finished!!  I actually teared up and prayed a prayer of pure thanksgiving when I read that last sentence not only because I completed the study but because of everything that I have learned along the way.

Because of this study I have made new friends at church, I have completed my first Bible study, and most importantly I am starting to truly see myself the way that God sees me.  This study (especially this last week) has opened my eyes to so many lies that I've been believing about God and myself as a child of God.  I have felt trapped and like I've been in a battle my entire life but for the first time I feel truly free.  I am free!  I cannot tell you how amazing this feeling is.  It is a total game changer. 

I wanted something to commemorate this amazing feat as well as serve as a reminder of my newfound knowledge and freedom so my family took me to Mardel's so I could pick out something.  I really wanted a picture to hang on the wall to remind me of each piece of armor that I have learned about and need to daily put on but we couldn't find anything that fit our decor.  I am happy to report that I did not leave the store empty handed.  

I had been thinking about a bracelet or some type of jewelry that I could wear as a reminder and this ring is exactly what I wanted!  It has a condensed version of Ephesians 6:13-17 on it and is a beautiful reminder for me to stand firm!  It was hard for me to get a good picture of it but you can find it on Mardel's website.  It's not expensive by any means and I'm sure will one day tarnish but for now it will serve as a reminder and will forever be one of my most cherished possessions.  

I also wanted to share with you one of my favorite graphics from From The Heart Art showing off each piece of the armor of God.  I've had it on my Pinterest for awhile and just love it.

If you have not done this study yet I would HIGHLY recommend it.  I am hoping (Lord willing) to be able to afford the leader kit one day and lead my own study in my home.  In my opinion, this is a study that ALL women should go through.  It's time Christian women learned how to fight and this is the study to help prepare you. 

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Summer Soul Searching

There have been a few changes in my life.  The changes are so small that if asked even those close to me would probably deny them but they're happening.  My focus is changing.  My mind is being renewed.

I noticed something was different a few weeks ago when I decided to do the Armor of God Bible study with my women's group at church.

I have always been fascinated with the Ephesians 6:10-19 passage about the armor of God but have never really delved into the subject deeply.  From the first meeting I knew this study was going to be a game changer.

Over the next few weeks I have begun to notice things about myself that I have never noticed before. Some are too private to post on here but one that keeps coming back is my need for approval and validation from people.  God is opening my eyes to the fact that if I'm brutally honest that I care more about what other people think of me instead of what HE thinks of me.  

It hurts me to even admit that but that's what this study is all about.  Finding the lies that I have been believing and replacing them with God's truth.   I've also noticed that I am not as patient as I previously thought and that my perfectionism is getting in the way of my walk with the Lord.

All of these topics have been brought up in the study but there is one thing that keeps popping up in my dreams and its happened so often that there must be something to it.  

I've been dreaming about ex-boyfriends.  

Anyone who knew me pre-2011 knows I was a boy-crazed girl.  I was always looking at guys with lust even if I was in a committed relationship.  I appreciated the male species a little too much and that was where my focus was from the time I was five years old up until I met Louie.  I was all about guys and if I was in a committed relationship my entire being was about them.

I got so lost in each man that I dated that I eventually lost who Christi was so when I met Louie I was a hot mess.  One amazing thing happened when I met my soul-mate: my boy-craziness stopped almost instantly.  When I told Louie that I loved him for the first time that was it.  I only had eyes for him and it's still that way today.  Very rarely do I comment about how cute a guy is anymore which is such a contrast to who I used to be.  My focus has definitely changed.

My true-loves

When I think about my past relationships most of them do not bother me.  They ran their course and served their purpose during that time in my life.  Several of them were not left on good terms but I had the closure I needed and I moved on.  

There are two that when I think about them they subconsciously still bother me and I am beginning to realize that they may not bother me for the reasons I previously thought.  

Day 1 of the Armor of God study we were asked to write your most difficult person, problem, or circumstance.  I wrote a few down but the one that was at the top for me was weight loss and my addiction to food.  

My current obsession

Throughout the study we have referred back to how this might be a hindrance and steps to take to break the bondage.  Ever since I wrote those words in my book I've been having these dreams about the two relationships in my life that never had true closure.  What's crazy is I haven't thought about one of the guys in YEARS.  Why am I dreaming about a guy I haven't though of in so long?

After praying about it and talking to Louie about it I think that my weight loss struggle and those relationships are intertwined in a way I never thought about before.  When I was with these two individuals (which were YEARS apart) I was skinny but more than that I did not like who I was when I was with either one of them.  Both relationships I was borderline obsessive and even though at the time I said it was love it wasn't.  It was pure lust and infatuation.  

I truly believe that one of the reasons why I have been struggling with lasting weight loss is the fact that deep down I am scared that if I lose the weight that I will backslide into that person that I was during those times in my life and that scares me!  I don't ever EVER want to be that girl again.  She was so lost and looking for happiness in all the wrong places.  

I like who I am becoming now.  I am realizing my worth in Jesus Christ and am finding who Christi is in a whole new light.  I never want to go back to that person who lived in such darkness not just mentally but emotionally and even spiritually.  

In saying all this I am hoping to break free from this lie.  I hope to let go of these past hurts once and for all and FINALLY be on the road to lasting weight loss.  It's been over two years and I'm still stuck at 200lbs.  It has taken such a toll on my health and I am tired of sitting idly by.  It's time for me to put on my armor and fight! 

If you've stuck it out with me this far I thank you.  Like my title said I am definitely doing a lot of soul searching so don't be surprised if there are more rambling blog posts.  I'm just trying to find me. :)

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Leave the Past in the Past

The whole month of January my church did a series called IF based on the book If by Mark Batterson.  My pastor is amazing with starting the year off with a powerful series and this one has been no exception.  

I bought the book last Sunday, right when the series ended, and haven't put it down all week.  I am normally a speed reader and could have devoured this book easily in a day but I am choosing to take each chapter and really ponder the words and listen to what God is trying to say to me.  So far it has not disappointed and has me viewing so many things in my life from a different perspective.

Yesterday I began chapter three which is talking about past regrets and labels that are put on you by yourself or others.  Your own "scarlet letter" so to speak.  To be quite honest, I feel like the majority of the alphabet is on my shoulders.  

I have an A for adultery.  I have a D for divorce.  I have an L for liar.  I could go on but you get the picture.  I am imperfect.  

I get that no one is perfect but my struggle with perfectionism goes back as far as I can remember and every mistake that I've made in my life has pinned me against myself.  I have felt like if I am not perfect that I should just give up completely.  All or nothing.  I have seen myself and my world through my imperfect eyes alone and have never really stopped to think about how God's perfect eyes see me.  

I still have those "scarlet letters" on my shoulders but the A no longer stands for "adulterer" but for ADORED.  My F stands for FORGIVEN and my L no longer stands for liar but LOVED.  

Satan wants me to be a slave to my past forever but through Christ I don't have to be!  I am redeemed and it is the most freeing statement my ears have ever heard.  Granted it is easier to say I am redeemed than it is to live that way am I right?

My thoughts go to the Israelites that wandered in the wilderness for 40 years after their exodus from Egypt.  I've always wondered: Why did they not go straight to the Promised Land?  Why did they roam the same wilderness for 40 years?  They had to work out those hundreds of years of slavery out of their system.  They had to get past their past and it took them 40 years to do it.

My hope and prayer is that it doesn't take me 40 years to let go of my past mistakes and "if only regrets".  I am tired of letting my bad choices and the bad choices of others define who I am.  I am tired of believing the lies and playing the victim.  I am ready to live the life Christ died for!  I will no longer be defined by what I've done but what Christ has done for me!  I am free!

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Faith Faves

Here is a list of some of my favorite websites and blogs that align with my faith.  Be blessed!

Bible Studies

• First 5
• Good Morning Girls (Women Living Well)

Christian Blogs

• Chrystal's Chronicles
• Take Back Your Temple
• True Woman

Christian Ministries

• Insight for Living (Chuck Swindoll)
• Living on the Edge (Chip Ingram)
• The Urban Alternative (Tony Evans)

Christian Women's Ministries

• Going Beyond Ministries (Priscilla Shirer)
• Revive Our Hearts (Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth

If you know of any other blogs or websites not listed here that I would enjoy please comment and let me know.  I am always looking for more ways to support the body of Christ. 

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