Being Tested

Monday afternoon around lunch time my phone rings and its my stepmom.  This woman NEVER calls me so when she does you know its important.  She begins to tell me about some drama that went down with her, my dad, and one of my stepsisters the previous night.  My dad had went to bed angry and woke up the next morning not saying a word to anyone.  Anyone who knows my dad knows that him not talking means that something is seriously wrong.  As she nears the end of the story she tells me she's scared it could be him having another stroke.  That's all it took for me to walk right out of my job and speed to their house.

I would give all the painful details of what happened when I got there but I really don't feel like reliving any of it.  Lets just say I ended up staying with him all afternoon and the evening which ended with my dad having a seizure and us all spending the rest of the night in the emergency room.

It was one of the worst days of my life.  What I saw and what I heard I will never be able to un-see or un-hear and am afraid will haunt me for years to come.  It hurt so bad to see my dad that way.

We didn't get home until after 2am Tuesday morning and I was so emotionally exhausted I didn't sleep that well.

I know that this is truly a time of testing and I hate to admit it but I believe I've failed.  There were things that happened at the hospital that was not the marks of a Godly woman and some of the things that I said and thoughts that I thought were not good at all.

It makes me sick.  I will feel like I am really growing in the Lord but when my faith is tested by a real "fire" I fail and realize that I am nowhere where I need to be.  My only saving grace is knowing that God is working on me and it won't always be like this.

Praise the Lord my dad is home and doing better but you can definitely tell this hit him hard.  My heart hurts thinking about what my dad has went through and wonder how much longer I will have with him here on this earth.