Thinking of You with Sympathy

I woke up Monday morning all ready to tell you guys about my continued struggles with my #lifewithtumors and #lifewithteenagers.  I'm enjoying giving you a glimpse into my crazy, messy life.  It's therapeutic and for the first time in forever I look forward to Monday's!

If you live in the Texas you know how the weather can change on a dime.  It'll be sunshine, not a cloud in the sky, and out of the blue dark threatening clouds roll in, there's a tornado warning, and you're running to your safe place, body shivering in anticipation because you don't know what power this storm is going to bring with it.  Well, life has those kinds of storms that come out of the blue too that leave you shaken to your core.

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Valentine Depression

This past week has been rough.  With the news I received last Monday hitting me like it did it's been hard to fight the depression that was already creeping up inside me.  Since I've been sick I've tried to be strong but this blow was so hard that I feel like all of my strength is gone.  I don't want to fight anymore.

Louie is not a Valentine's guy.  He doesn't feel like you have to have a holiday to show someone that you love them, so normally on February 14th I do not get my hopes up.  This year he surprised me with two things that are so cliche but so thoughtful.

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Speechless

Today's been a rough day, but not for the reasons that you might expect.  I had another neurologist appointment this morning and I've been in tears off and on ever since.  I found out something that hit me so hard that I'm speechless which, if you know me, is very hard to do.

I was put on three more medications, one for sleep and two that are prescribed for epileptic patients but should hopefully help with my migraines and the stroke-like symptoms that I am experiencing.  The doctor didn't want to talk about my tumors until Louie finally brought it up.  He told us that he wasn't concerned with them because he is positive my symptoms all stem from my atypical, acute, and hemiplegic migraines.

Then he said the sentence that rendered me speechless...

"If you were experiencing issues with your tumors you would have pain here," and he put his hand on his lower abdomen on his right side.  Louie and me immediately locked eyes and Louie said, "Doctor, Christi has had a pain in that exact spot for seven years.  That pain is the reason why she had all those surgeries (my gallbladder removed in 2012, a full hysterectomy in 2013, and an appendectomy in 2015).  Every doctor and specialist we've been to never could figure out why she continues to be in pain.  She still deals with that pain every day."  The look of concern crossed my doctor's face.  "I'm sure that pain is due to her tumors," he said.  Speechless.

He explained that where my tumors are located is very rare and out of his expertise.  He said that once we get my migraines under control then he will refer me to a spinal specialist who can give me my options and all of us can agree on what our next step will be.

As Louie and the doctor continued to talk I blanked out.  My whole body had went numb and tears stung my eyes.  A rush of memories from the past seven years invaded my mind, everything I've been through, the dreams that I gave up and for what?  For nothing?  All the emergency room visits and hospital stays, the surgeries that I now find out were unnecessary.  It all overwhelmed me but what really got me was the thought of my hysterectomy.  I wanted more children more than anything and had sacrificed my dream in hopes that having the surgery would heal me.  Now I'm finding out why it didn't work and truly realizing what I gave up for nothing.  Louie and me could've had a baby.  Tears stream down my face as I type that.  It still hurts so bad.  It took me years to mourn the loss of not having another child, and I just recently felt like I had moved past it, then it hits me in the face yet again.  Will I ever escape the heartache?

I managed to make it to the car and then I lost it.  I cried for my lost dreams, for what could have been, and for what's to come.  I cried in frustration at what I have been through and wondered how much more I can take.  I'm not strong enough to handle all of this!!  I thought about what my family has went through and how I've been sick my entire marriage.  All the events I've missed in my boys lives because I've been too sick to get out of bed.  I'm missing what's left of their childhood!  It's not fair!!  The only solace I can take away from this appointment is that I finally know where my pain comes from.  I can say that I am not crazy and that this pain is not in my head.  It's all because of the tumors.

I did go to work today for a few hours for the first time since my hospitalization in November.  I was nervous that I would be overwhelmed but it felt so good to get back to some normalcy.  I still can't drive but luckily Louie dropped me off and my boss was sweet enough to drop me off at home this afternoon.  Everyone was so patient with me and I missed seeing everyone.  It wasn't until I was settled and at my desk, working on a report, trying to remember what to do that it hit me:  I'm never going to be the same again.  Today a switch was hit and my eyes have been opened.  It's going to take me awhile to process all of this and I am trying so hard to not do what I normally do: bottle it all up.

I talked to family and talking helped but I still sit here utterly heartbroken.  I didn't really want to write this post but I felt like I need to get it out of my head and onto paper, whether I feel like it or not.  I know that God has a plan and a reason for all of this but tonight my heart cries why.  I know it could be worse and I'm thankful for that.  I am a myriad of emotions.  I'm a mess.

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S-S-Stutter

I've decided I'm going to start writing a blog post every  Monday.  Not sure why I would pick Monday, because I normally hate Monday's (who doesn't!), but since I've been home with my illness it seems like the day I am the most thoughtful.  Maybe it's because the weekend has just passed and there's always a story to tell.  Or maybe it's the first time my house has been quiet in days! Haha!

Today one of my best friends turned 40 (shoutout to my girl Juanita!  Happy birthday sweetie!!!) and we celebrated her birthday on Saturday with a big party.  It was such an amazing time and I am so glad I was able to go.  I wasn't sure I was even going to be able to make it with what happened last week.

Last Tuesday night I had something happen that hasn't happened in my #lifewithtumors journey yet.  Louie, me, and the boys were playing around.  We will get into these fits of tickling and goofing off that tend to get rougher and tickling turns into pinching or worse.  Someone always ends up getting hurt during these little brawls and, being the only girl, it's usually me.  Before I continue let me just acknowledge that I know that I can't do things I used to do.  I'm trying to find a new normal and it's profoundly hard for me.  I want to be who I was three months ago.  Should I have been in this squabble?  No.  But I was feeling better than I had in days and I wanted to have a little fun with my family.  A little normal.  With the boys getting older I have to take these precious moments and squeeze them for all their worth.  Apparently, Louie felt the same way.

My husband hates to be pinched.  Let me repeat that just so you know just how bad he hates to be pinched: my husband HATES to be pinched.  I was pretending to pinch him and I guess I accidentally got him and he grabbed my wrist and squeezed to stop me from doing it again.  That's when it happened.  I guess he hit a nerve or something because my wrist started hurting excruciatingly bad.  The playing around ended and I started crying.  Louie thought I was just milking the bit but I knew instantly that something wasn't right.  Gradually this pain started going up my right arm, up through my neck, and then the bottom of my skull felt like it had exploded.  I sat on the couch and couldn't stop crying.  Louie was still upset but Eric came and sat next to me, he could tell that I wasn't playing around, and something serious had happened.  When he asked what was wrong I tried to tell him and I couldn't get it out.  I was stuttering so bad he could hardly understand me.

After some time had passed, and I'm now laying on the couch with tears streaming down my face, Louie finally recognized that something happened, and of course felt terrible.  My head and neck hurt so bad that I ended up "sleeping" on the couch that night, in the same position, and woke up still feeling the same, and still with the horrible stuttering.  I felt like I was under water, everything in slow motion.  I was saying things backwards and being even more forgetful that I had been previously.

I had company coming on Thursday and my house has not been the same since Mom has been down (think frat house and you'll get the gist of the condition of my house at the moment) so I spent the majority of Wednesday cleaning.  I'd been doing it in spurts so as to not completely wear myself out but I guess I pushed myself too hard because by Thursday I could barely talk and still had that underwater feeling.  My sister took off work to come see me and urged me to go to the emergency room since my neurologist would not call me back and we were pretty sure by this point that I could've had a stroke.  Louie rushed home and once again I was back in the hospital.

They had me in a room within fifteen minutes of our arrival and I had two doctors and five nurses in there all at once doing all kinds of tests, asking tons of questions, certain that I had had a stroke.  I could hardly speak, couldn't open my eyes, and had to have Louie be my voice.  It was scary. 

After two CT scans and an MRI, all without dye I might add, I was sent home with an "abnormal migraine" and again the "stroke-like symptoms" but I did not have a stroke.  Apparently migraines can do funny things but I've never, in the years I've had migraines, had this happen to me.  They didn't give me anything to help with the pain and didn't say anything about what I could do to help my speech.  To say we felt defeated would be an understatement.  I cried almost the whole way home.  I am so tired of all these doctors saying that it's my migraines when I know deep down it isn't.  I know there is something they're not finding.  And I'm sorry but I'm too young for this to be happening to me!

This is why I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to celebrate with my best friend on Saturday but I had told her I wouldn't miss her party for the world and I kept my promise.  I would post the picture I took of her but she would kill me, so I'll post the one I took with my handsome nephew instead.

Being surrounded by family and friends was just what this weary soul needed.  Even though I know I am not alone in this battle, there are those days where I do feel the loneliness wash over me.  I feel trapped, having to be home, and not being able to drive anywhere.  Louie has been working crazy long hours so most of the time it's just me, here alone with my thoughts, not able to do what I want to do and be where I want to be.  It's heartbreaking but at the same time I know that God has me here for a reason.  It's in these times that he whispers to me and tells me it's going to be ok, He's got this, and I know that He does.  It's just hard.

This morning I am talking better (praise the Lord!) but I am not feeling good at all.  My head is swimming, I'm dizzy and quite nauseated, and I am most likely going to sleep the day away.  I guess I stayed up too late last night celebrating the fact that the Patriots got defeated in the Super Bowl!!

I'm not an Eagles fan by any means, as I am a die-hard Dallas Cowboys fan, but anyone that can beat the New England Patriots is aces in my book!  The Patriots are my most hated team.  I missed the first half, and the halftime show, but I watched JT tear up that halftime show on YouTube.  He's gotten a lot of flack for his performance but I thought he did great!  It wasn't just a light show!  He actually performed!  I am a little bias though since he is one of my loves.  I watched the whole performance (trying to) sing along to all the songs.  I love that he started out with one of his new songs and payed tribute to Prince, who was born in Minneapolis.

So, that's my Monday Musing for you!  And Juanita, I have something I want you to remember on your birthday:

"You don't get older, you get better" 

-Shirley Bassey

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