Eric (my oldest) will be thirteen at the end of March, but if you were to put your ear up to our front door recently you would think that some selfish, uncaring yelling beast were inside. What hurts is that this transformation practically happened overnight. I went into the hospital in November with two sweet little boys and now that I am up and around more, and more aware of my surroundings, I see things so much clearer, and one thing I see is that I have lost one of my sweet, innocent little boys.
Everyone keeps asking me how I'm doing. How do I answer? I'm not good at all. Right now, my biggest issue with this illness is all the life that I feel like I am missing. I lose days due to being in bed, curled up into a ball, crying and praying that the pain will stop. Then there are days like today where I can tolerate the pain better but I still can't fully function. It's frustrating when your mind is screaming at you to do something but your body won't cooperate. I try to focus on the positive, but there are times that I can't focus on anything and instead just wallow in my sorrows.
I had a total meltdown yesterday afternoon. I cried in the shower for almost 30 minutes, just sitting there letting the water wash over me, praying for God's grace to rescue me from this darkness that envelops me. I don't know how how I'm ever going to make it through!
The men in my house don't understand what I'm going through emotionally. They don't understand the tears or the sudden tantrums. They want to fix it but there's nothing to fix. It is what it is and there's nothing any of us can do about it. We all just have to ride the waves and enjoy the good days and press on through the bad ones. With a combination of Eric and me, and what we're both going through right now, I am seeing more bad days than good. Having a teenager in the house is bad enough but then you add a sick and emotionally distraught mom, a diabetic preteen, and a husband who can't fix any of it and you've got a recipe for disaster.
On the days that I can handle it, I get lost in a book. Thank you Jesus for good books!
Books have been my escape my entire life and today is no different than when I was a little girl. A good book soothes my soul and, after the book I have just finished, reminds me that life could be a lot worse!
Keeping up with my book reviews has been what has kept me sane lately though I am learning to adjust how I read. I don't comprehend things the way I used to and so on my bad days, if I feel up to reading, I have to take notes. Otherwise, I truly can't remember what I read. It's so frustrating and I can't read as quickly as I used to, but I am still thankful that I have the eyes to see the words on the page. Not everyone has that choice. My doctor says it's important to keep my brain active and so I fight the frustration and continue to read and write.
I also can't lose weight. No matter what I do I can't lose and am actually gaining. I've hit 225lbs. It's the highest I've ever been in my life. I am so ashamed. I don't want anyone to see me like this! At my next appointment I think I'm going to have them test my thyroid. I've been watching my portions and what I'm eating, been up and mobile more than I have in months, and I'm steadily gaining. It's hard not to beat myself up. I feel ugly and gross. I feel trapped in a body that I can't stand. It's yet another thing I feel like I have absolutely no control over.
Right now, every aspect of my life is hard. I don't write this to get sympathy but to let everyone know where I'm at right now. I told myself I would be real and honest in this journey and I intend to stick by my words. The photo above was taken a few weeks ago when we were on our way to see some friends. I was actually trying to smile and no matter how many pictures I took I kept getting the same face. I try to hide how I'm feeling the majority of the time but the eyes don't lie. I wear my emotions on my face and I hate that. I'd rather hide.
As far as videos, I have made a few but I am embarrassed to post them. Watching myself makes me cringe! Louie told me to get over it and post them but right now I just can't. Maybe one day I will but right now I'm too raw. It's too hard.
My next neurologist appointment is February 12th and I actually get to see the neurologist himself for the first time since my hospital stay. He's had his own family issues and has been out of the office so I've been seeing the nurse practitioner up until now. Hopefully we can get a game plan and I'll have more to report then.
Sorry for all the random rambling today! I'd originally wanted to vent about me having a bratty teenager and then everything else just came out. It feels good to write and get everything out there.
I only have one thing to ask today: please pray for my sanity.
4
I hate it. I hate it SO much!!!
I had a total meltdown yesterday afternoon. I cried in the shower for almost 30 minutes, just sitting there letting the water wash over me, praying for God's grace to rescue me from this darkness that envelops me. I don't know how how I'm ever going to make it through!
The men in my house don't understand what I'm going through emotionally. They don't understand the tears or the sudden tantrums. They want to fix it but there's nothing to fix. It is what it is and there's nothing any of us can do about it. We all just have to ride the waves and enjoy the good days and press on through the bad ones. With a combination of Eric and me, and what we're both going through right now, I am seeing more bad days than good. Having a teenager in the house is bad enough but then you add a sick and emotionally distraught mom, a diabetic preteen, and a husband who can't fix any of it and you've got a recipe for disaster.
On the days that I can handle it, I get lost in a book. Thank you Jesus for good books!
Books have been my escape my entire life and today is no different than when I was a little girl. A good book soothes my soul and, after the book I have just finished, reminds me that life could be a lot worse!
Keeping up with my book reviews has been what has kept me sane lately though I am learning to adjust how I read. I don't comprehend things the way I used to and so on my bad days, if I feel up to reading, I have to take notes. Otherwise, I truly can't remember what I read. It's so frustrating and I can't read as quickly as I used to, but I am still thankful that I have the eyes to see the words on the page. Not everyone has that choice. My doctor says it's important to keep my brain active and so I fight the frustration and continue to read and write.
I also can't lose weight. No matter what I do I can't lose and am actually gaining. I've hit 225lbs. It's the highest I've ever been in my life. I am so ashamed. I don't want anyone to see me like this! At my next appointment I think I'm going to have them test my thyroid. I've been watching my portions and what I'm eating, been up and mobile more than I have in months, and I'm steadily gaining. It's hard not to beat myself up. I feel ugly and gross. I feel trapped in a body that I can't stand. It's yet another thing I feel like I have absolutely no control over.
Right now, every aspect of my life is hard. I don't write this to get sympathy but to let everyone know where I'm at right now. I told myself I would be real and honest in this journey and I intend to stick by my words. The photo above was taken a few weeks ago when we were on our way to see some friends. I was actually trying to smile and no matter how many pictures I took I kept getting the same face. I try to hide how I'm feeling the majority of the time but the eyes don't lie. I wear my emotions on my face and I hate that. I'd rather hide.
As far as videos, I have made a few but I am embarrassed to post them. Watching myself makes me cringe! Louie told me to get over it and post them but right now I just can't. Maybe one day I will but right now I'm too raw. It's too hard.
My next neurologist appointment is February 12th and I actually get to see the neurologist himself for the first time since my hospital stay. He's had his own family issues and has been out of the office so I've been seeing the nurse practitioner up until now. Hopefully we can get a game plan and I'll have more to report then.
Sorry for all the random rambling today! I'd originally wanted to vent about me having a bratty teenager and then everything else just came out. It feels good to write and get everything out there.
I only have one thing to ask today: please pray for my sanity.
