A New Development, My Fear, & Summer Updates

You would think with school letting out that I would have more time to write and stamp but actually its been the opposite.  I continue to go to my neurologist monthly and my migraines are becoming less frequent but I still have a daily headache and the blackout dizzy spells are almost a daily occurrence.   Last month I was put on two more medications for the dizzy spells (making my current number of daily medications to 14) and was told that I still can't drive.  It's been seven months since I've driven and yes there are days that it makes me crazy!  I hate having to rely on others to take me where I need to go but this is just another part of me accepting my current situation.  I am still learning to live with my limitations and accept that there is nothing I can do.  It's a daily battle.

A New Development

I had started this post last week but saved it and never got a chance to finish it due to being in a tremendous amount of pain that left me bedridden for days.  Then something happened a few days ago that could change my entire situation and I had to tell you about it.

We don't watch the news in our house but Louie checks a news app on his phone all the time and came across THIS article.  When I read the article I burst into tears.  It's me!  I was down all week, in an insane amount of pain, my right arm completely numb, feeling absolutely defeated when I read this.  Louie told me to figure out if this doctor is accepting new patients, if they're on our insurance, and see if I can get in anytime soon.

Not only is this doctor accepting new patients, but he also is covered on my insurance, AND they are getting me in this coming Monday to get new MRI's and figure out what our next step is.  Y'all this is the Lord!!!  Even typing this I still can't believe it!  This doctor is a spine specialist and specializes in schwannomas and neurofibromas!  I truly believe that God is answering prayers right here!

My Fear

Going to this doctor also means that I could possibly have surgery which scares me more than anyone really knows.  I know that God has this but this is testing my faith like nothing I've ever been through before.  IF I do have the surgery and something goes wrong it could be permanent paralysis or even death.  I have a hard time coming out of anesthesia and the last time I went under I almost slipped into a coma.  I'm only 37.  I know if it's my time it's my time but I'm not ready for it to be my time!  There is so much that I still want to do in this life but I also know that when God's ready for me I'm going whether I want to go or not.

I know that I'm getting ahead of myself but the more I read the more I hear surgery and that fear is  bubbling at the surface.  To sum it all up:

I am excited that we might finally get some answers and 

I'm scared what those answers may be.  

The boys aren't sure how to feel about everything.  Dylan is a compartmentalizer just like his momma so he acts like everything is fine.  Any time anything is brought up about my tumors and the "what if's" Dylan usually retreats to his room and Eric sits with me and cries.  It breaks my heart but I have to be real with my boys.  I have always been 100% honest with them and this situation is no exception.

Summer So Far

Other than that are enjoying the summer so far.  Eric had to go to summer school for a few weeks but now he's all done and we are all enjoying the laid back life.  They are both gaming fools and have been great helping me out when I need it.  

I don't know if I mentioned it on here but Dylan fractured his wrist in two places the last week of school during Field Day and thank goodness he was only in a cast for four weeks and got it off last week.

I have been spending all the time I can with family, laughing, enjoying the moment, and taking tons of pictures.  I am soaking it all up.  

Time spent online has been as minimal as possible so if you don't see me commenting or posting on Facebook or Instagram that much you know why.  I'm either at home in pain or I'm out living my life to the fullest.

We went to see Incredibles 2 last weekend and it was awesome!!  I have also been reading some great books so far this summer and have quite a few reviews coming to the Only By Grace Reviews blog that I'm really excited about.

I'll keep everyone posted on me as much as I can and love each and every one of you that has been loving on me, supporting me, calling, texting, messaging, and praying for me.  You know who you are and I am BEYOND thankful for you.

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