I think I've finally hit my ENOUGH point. In less than a month it will be a year since my hysterectomy. I still haven't truly came to grips with it to be honest with you. I can't have children. How can you let go of something that you wanted for so long and so bad? What's really hard is congratulating all my friends that are pregnant or having babies right now (which are quite a few at the moment). I smile on the outside and am genuinely happy for them but at the same time I die on the inside and once I get alone I bawl my eyes out. I'm waiting for the day for it to stop hurting but it doesn't look like its going to happen anytime soon.
Since I can't change that situation I have decided to change my focus. I long for God to truly be #1 in my life. I also long to get rid of all this weight that I've gained post-hysterectomy. The doctor said it would be about a year for my body to finally calm down and here we are going on a year so its time. It's time for me to stop making excuses and feeling sorry for myself! I have two beautiful, healthy boys and I need the energy to keep up with them!
How? How can I start? I am the biggest I've ever been in my life. It hurts to move half the time. How am I going to have the strength to start again and this time lose the weight for good and for the right reasons?
Jesus is the ONLY way this is going to work. My last weight loss was due to divorce and a traumatic time in my life. It wasn't because I worked for it. I think in the back of my mind I wonder if I really can do this and that's something I've realized these past few days. I can't do it. I've tried so many times and failed. It is going to take a supernatural push to get me to let go of this weight and to see myself for the beautiful creature God created me to be. It's more than just weight loss. It's about me finally letting go of a negative self image. It's about me not relying on what other people think of me but what God thinks of me.
Tonight I got out my weights and did a 30 minute leg workout in my living room with the boys. It felt good to get up and move. I didn't go too crazy but it's a baby step and I am proud of myself. After my workout I closed my eyes and praised God. I am thankful that I have the ability to do what I did. Not everyone has that gift.
I am going to hold onto Philippines 4:13 and constantly remind myself that I CAN and WILL do this because it's not on my strength this time but His and His alone. Hallelujah!
